BACK TO LIFE
by Noa

.script by Mirelle.

|story visited times|

Chapter
|01| |02| |03| |04| |05| |06| |07| |08| |09| |10| |11| |12| |13|

Chapter 01

The first noises she heard when she woke up in the morning were soft and very constant beeping alerts somewhere next to her bed. Her nose had been itching for quite some time but as much as she tried, she couldn’t reach it. Sighing she tried to open her eyes. It was hard work to open just one of them. Slit-eyed she tried to focus. What was wrong with her? It seemed that her body wasn’t reacting and refused to take orders from her brain-system. She wanted to turn her head, get up from the bed and swear like a trooper, maybe smash something. Did she have a hangover from heavy partying? Somehow it didn’t feel like it. It was definitely different from any kind of hangover she had ever experienced before. Her whole body felt like a huge and throbbing pain. She couldn’t bring it to mind, maybe it had been a rough night. Again she wanted to move and curse about the sudden limitations of her body. Trying to swallow she choked. There was plastic in her mouth and something was put deep down her throat. She couldn’t breathe properly but the strange flexible tube was constantly pumping air inside her lounges. Panicking she opened her eyes completely, trying hard to focus. Everything was so bright and white! The light hurt her eyes and she felt tears building up. Out of a sudden someone bent over her. His voice sounded from afar and she didn’t get the words but the guy put his hands on her cheeks, softly stroking her hair, wiping her tears away.
“It’s gonna be fine, !” he said in a very deep and husky voice and cleared his throat. “Just stay calm, ok? The doctor’s gonna be here any minute!” turning around he pressed a small button next to her head.
All she could do was blinking. Still her body wasn’t reacting, not moving although she was almost fighting for it. Where was she? Who was this guy next to her and why did he speak English? She tried to focus on his face, but everything was blurred. Right at this moment she was so filled with fear, she wanted to scream, but not one single sound came over her lips. With her panicking breath also the speed of the machine-sounds increased. Another person bent over her. Suddenly there was a light hitting her eyes, a little spot of a lamp, almost blinding her. But she couldn’t move, only try to close her eyes. The voices around her sounded excited and nervous. Two more people came to stand next to her bed, feeling her temperature, checking the machines around her. One of them bent over again. He wore black glasses and smiled broadly. “Mrs. , can you hear me? Mrs. ?” very softly he touched her shoulder. “If you understand what I say, just blink once for yes and twice for no, alright?”
blinked.
“Perfect! Mrs. , d’you have any idea where you are and why you are here?”
She blinked twice, again trying to raise her hands to get the ventilation tube out of her throat. The feeling and the sound were scary and she couldn’t swallow properly, the tube filling out her whole throat. ‘They must confuse me with somebody else!’ she thought. ‘I need to call my parents, they must be so worried! I am in a hospital!’
“Mrs. , can you breathe without the ventilation?” the doctor asked and blinked, her eyes full of tears again.
“We can remove the tube if you want, but we need to run a few tests right after to make sure that your lounges are strong enough to breathe.” He smiled encouraging. “Welcome back to life, Mrs. , we’re happy you made it! It has been a long time.” He patted her cheek. “We’ll now give you something to calm down a little, alright?” she felt a small itch in her arm and a sudden warm numbness spreading through her whole body, damping down her fears. The doctors voice was gentle when he put his hand on her chin “Nurse Mary’s gonna call your husband. He will be here for you within half an hour. And now,” he took the tube between his fingers. “I want you to take a deep breath, then cough while I pull this out, alright?” Completely sedated closed her eyes.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...

She woke up when somebody almost crashed down on her bed.
“Slowly, mate, don’t break her, she looks so fragile!”
“, babe?” hands were cupping her face and she slowly opened her eyes. It was a man, smiling down at her with tears in his eyes. “Oh baby!” softly he kissed her. “I thought I had lost you!!” again and again he kissed her.
With a very low sound she tried to push him away. Who the hell was this guy and why was he kissing her??? She looked at him totally puzzled, realising that he was old. At least 30 or 35. She opened her mouth to speak. “Jasmin und Andi?” she whispered with a lot of effort.
“I called your parents, babe, they’re gonna be here the day after tomorrow. They are taking the first flight they could get.”
nodded and closed her eyes again. She had no idea where she was and who this guy was but her parents were about to come so everything was going to be fine again.
“Mr. ,” the doctor with the soft voice had returned. “Your wife needs a lot of time to recover now. Let her rest, she’s not able to stay awake too long and she gets tired quickly, but don’t be afraid, we will monitor her 24/7, she’s on her way of recovering, ok?”
The man remained silent and could feel his gaze although her eyes were closed.
“Is she alright? She seems disorientated.”
“She is. Mr , can I talk to you for a second?”
“Sure! Is everything alright?”
“Well, as I said your wife is recovering, but it seems that there are a few blackouts, she doesn’t have her whole memories at the moment. We can’t foresee how long it is gonna take her to come back to her normal self, but it is gonna be a long and hard way.”
“So she can’t remember the accident?”
“Maybe she can, maybe her subconsciousness is suppressing the memories. Can you please follow me outside for a second? I will show you some pictures of the MRI we took earlier today. Maybe they can explain some of the lack of memories your wife is suffering from. I also made an appointment with our psychologist Dr. Murphey, she’s gonna come to talk to her tomorrow.”
heard how they opened the door.
“Wait! I can’t just leave her alone right now! She needs me! I wanna be there for her!” there was fear in the man’s voice.
“Mr , by now we assume that your wife doesn’t even know who you are!” the Doctor said a little hesitantly.
“What d’you mean by that? She asked about her parents! Of course she remembers us!”
“Childhood memories are in general memorized in different areas of the brain than short term memories. It might be possible that she still remembers a lot from her youth but the remembrance of her adult life might be suppressed or intermitted and fragmentary. What exactly did she say when she looked at you?”
“She asked about her parents. I’m not 100% sure but I believe that she was speaking .”
“Maybe you should just let her rest for some time. Come back tomorrow, we’ll keep you up to date, alright?”
Thoughts were running through ’s mind like cars in a roller coaster. What the freaking hell were these guys talking about? Was she in this hospital because of an accident? Her memories about this whole disaster seemed completely erased and she felt fear raising in her stomach. She wasn’t married, that was one thing she was totally sure about. Her hometown was , she attended 12 grade in high school and was going to graduate next year. Wait a minute... The doctor was wrong, her memories were perfectly clear and complete! There must have been a huge mixing up. Maybe this Mrs had been brought to another room!
shut her eyes firmly. ‘I wanna go home!’ she thought, feeling tears running down her cheeks.
“Mrs ?” the doctor came over to the bed again. “Are you alright? Any pain?”
She blinked twice, unable to even try to speak because of the shock and swallowed hard. Still her throat was sore and her whole body numb. What the hell was going on with her?
“I will give you something to help you sleep, alright? Don’t distress yourself, your memory loss is only temporary.”
Again a soft warmth flooded through her veins and closed her eyes, drifting into her sleep. ‘What has happened to me?’ was the last thought that crossed her sleepy mind.

Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Chapter 02

“Come on, mate,” Bryan patted ’s shoulder. “Let me take you home, alright?”
Without moving remained on the small hospital chair on the corridor, his face buried in his hands. “Bry, I can’t just leave ‘er! That ain’t right!” he looked at his friend, his eyes burning. “She’s me wife for Christ’s sake!”
“And she needs to sleep now! Come on, man. You can come back tomorrow, ok?”
shook his head. “Remember four years ago? For good and for bad? I gave her a promise in front of a priest, d’ya think that this means nothin’ to me right now?” again he shook his head. “This sounds a lot like bad times, don’t ya think? Go home, Bry, it’s fine, I will stay with her.”
Bryan sighed and sat down next to his friend. “If ya stayin’ I’m stayin’ with ya.” Stretching out his long legs he leaned back in the uncomfortable chair. “Bu’ maybe we can ask if we can sit inside her room then, what d’ya think?” he patted the smaller man’s shoulder. “C’m on, you go back inside, I’ll go find her doctor and ask how long we can stay, ok?”
just nodded, his mind still swirling with his thoughts. Finally. After almost four weeks in a coma she had woken up. But now he was nothing but a forgotten short term memory to her. He was just erased from her mind, not memorized properly. He put his face into his hands. For the last weeks he had been praying for her to wake up again. Whenever their last fight came to his mind, tears started to build up in his eyes. This stupid incident that had caused ’s car crash...
Westlife had been touring for nearly six months and he and had had some small arguments like always when he was on tour. She missed him and he felt bad for the long times he had to leave her back in Sligo. But it was his job! And anyway, it was the last tour before their big break for a year to finally spend time with their families and record their new album. When came to visit him in Dublin after a concert he had been happy at first. But the whole evening ended in a fiasco when they came back to the hotel after partying with the rest of the lads and found a girl in ’s bed.
had stayed calm in the beginning, trying to keep up her trust in her husband. But when the strange girl started to cry and pushed , sobbing “You told me it was over with her!”, swallowed hard, watching her husband carefully. “So it is over with me, is that it?” she said in a very low voice, narrowing her eyes. He had tried to convince her. He had never seen the girl before in his life and hell, it was true. But couldn’t believe him when the other girl broke down in front of her, sobbing in complete despair. Damn it, this chick was one hell of an actress. Still sobbing she clung on ’s arm, stopping him from running after his wife. He broke away from her. “Who the fuck are you?!” he yelled at her and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her hard. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’ve never ever seen or talked to you in my entire life!”
The girl smirked, drying her tears. “Well, let’s say that we are even now.” She turned her back on him, walking straight onto the corridor.
“What the hell are you talking about?” He bawled out and rushed after her, grabbing her arm. His grip made her gasp, but when she turned around she sneered at him. “Well,” she tried to remove his hand but he held her firmly. “Spit it out, you bitch!” he hissed, shaking her harder.
But she still grinned at him. “Well, honey, you messed up my life so now I took my revenge.”
“I messed up your life? How’s that possible? I don’t even know you!”
“Oh yes you do! It was in 1998! Remember? You had me ! And I gave you all of me!” she buried her hands in his shirt, pulling him closer. “You messed up my life ! You left me behind to be just a kerf in your bed-post!”
“What the freaking hell are you talking about? Good Lord, girl! That was eleven years ago. Look, I’m sorry, I really am, but now I gotta go, ok? Look, if I really did something bad to you, I am truly sorry. But now I need to find me wife, ok? I’m sorry for what I did to you!” he turned away, but she snatched his shirt, pushing him to the wall. “I forgive you!” she whispered, pressing her body and lips onto his. He struggled for breathe, completely taken by surprise and almost losing his balance.
Out of a sudden he heard his wife clearing her throat. “Well, I didn’t want to be stupid and childish.” She said, her voice not more than a whisper. “But I’m afraid you are, .”
Completely shocked lifted his gaze and pushed the girl away. “It’s not what you think, !”
“Surely it isn’t, honey! I thought we could talk this through like adults but it seems that we can’t.” Stepping back into the elevator she closed the golden automatic doors. ran after her, thumping at the cold metal. “ wait!” he yelled, rushing down the stairs to catch her in the lobby before she could leave the hotel.
The cause of the whole trouble whipped a little lipstick from the corner of her mouth and smiled evilly. Her mission was fulfilled. Finally she had retaliated upon for making out with her, making her let her hair down and than just running off after one night of pleasure. Finally she could get back at him. His marriage had been quite unstable anyway, that was for sure and written all over the tabloids. So now she had only sounded the death knell for it. Kiss of death. She smirked, walking down the corridor to take the elevator on the opposite side of the big hallway.
Completely out of breath reached the ground floor of the hotel. Taking a look around he started to panic. She was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she had left already. Quickly he ran outside, his breath caught in his throat when he heard tyres creak and saw his Porsche racing out of the hotel garage. He waved at her and screamed her name, but she just tromped the gas pedal, giving him the finger when she drove by, the speed of the car increasing quickly. He kept on running and screaming but she only sped up the car as a reaction.
The crash came out of the blue and he felt as if somebody had just kicked him into his stomach. It wasn’t her fault, her traffic light was still green but a huge pick up passed a crossroad, hitting the driver’s side of the Porsche...

“C’m on in, man.” Bryan’s voice sounded into his sad thoughts and lifted his head.
“What?” he asked, suddenly feeling out of breath as if he had been actually running again.
“Nothin’ mate. Come on, we can stay with her. I’ll keep you company, ok?”
was deep asleep when the two men came back into her room. Carefully took one of the chairs from the small table in the corner and sat down next to his wife’s bed. “God, I hate to see her like this!! She looks so fragile!”
“I know what you mean.” Bryan sat down on the other side of the bed. “I haven’t seen her sick in years!” he put his hand forth to touch his friend's arm but lowered it without daring, not wanting to wake her up although he had been longing for it as much as during the last weeks. Days and hours they had spent next to her, holding her hand, falling asleep by her side, crying desperately and without knowing whether she would ever open her eyes again or not.
Bryan swallowed hard. She had always been one of his closest friends during the last years. She had been there for him through fights and divorce, had cried and laughed with him, taken care of him as good as she could. Watching her more dead than alive sleeping in a deep coma in the huge white hospital bed, her skin cold and pale, all those machines working and almost living for her had been nearly too much to bear for him. He looked up, gazing at that had buried his face in his hands again. Bryan knew that he still felt guilty and thought that the accident had been his fault. “You alright, mate?” he asked carefully and shook his head.
“Can you stay with ‘er for a bit?” too excited and anxious to sit still got up again. “I need to get some more answers about what is actually going on with her. Maybe I’ll find Dr. Carter.”
“Just go, I’ll stay with ‘er.” Bryan patted his friend's back and grabbed his guitar. “It’s gonna be fine, .” He nodded and smiled. “She’s in good hands with me.”
“Well that’s something I do not like too much in fact!” punched him slightly but his full lips were curved into a small smile. “Don’t ya touch me wife, man! Ya know me’s not the sharing type of guy!”
When had left the room, Bryan turned over to . “So here we go again, honeyloop.” Smiling he started to play the first soft notes, keeping the volume very low to only reach her in her dreams without waking her up. It was ‘hey you’ by Pink Floyd, one of her favourites. Out of a sudden she opened her eyes when he started singing the second line.
“I know your voice.” She managed to whisper. He stopped playing immediately, bending forward to understand her properly. “I hope you do, babe!” smiling he took her hand in his.
“Who are you?” she moved her head a little to look into his eyes. “This is all so scary! I’d scream of fear if I had the power!”
He swallowed hard, her words hitting him like a fist into his stomach. She had absolutely no idea who he was! Her gaze on him was tired and fearful but curious at the same time and he could see that she wasn’t acting. He was a stranger in her eyes. “I’m your best friend, babygirl. Bryan.”
“Oh!” she stared at him perplexed. “How long... I mean... have we been friends for a long time?”
“For over ten years now, hun.” He squeezed her hand. “Can you talk? I mean, isn’t it too much effort for you?”
Slowly she shook her head. “It’s fine.” She took a deep breath. “You’ve been playing for me very often, right?”
“Almost every day.” He smiled, stroking her cheek.
“I heard you.” She tried to return his smile. “I’ve been in some kind of half sleep for a long time, it was so frightening. Couldn’t open my eyes or talk but I heard some things. And you singing was one of them.” Staring at him she swallowed. He looked so old! 30 at the least! How could he be her friend? Her parents would never allow her to have friends that were that old! But holding his hand felt unexpectedly good and felt her cheeks blushing when she looked down on their crossed fingers. Ignoring his age he was a quite handsome guy with his long blond hair, a little messy, a beard covering most of his face with full lips and piercing green eyes. All in all he was an extremely handsome man. A man. That was what he was. He could not be her friend whatever nice or handsome he was! Again she blushed. He saw it and started to laugh. “You’re turning scarlet, babe! What’s wrong?”
“Hum... you... you are... quite nice.” She mumbled and he broke into laughter again. “Comes with the package, baby!” he bent down to kiss her forehead. “So tell me, how are you? Beside a little dizzy maybe? Your shoulder still hurtin’?”
“Not really. I’m fine actually.” She rubbed her eyes. “I suppose they’re givin’ me the good stuff, hum?”
Again he laughed. “I bet they do.” He paused and took her hand again. “D’ya have any idea why you’re here?”
Slowly she shook her head. “Not a wonder to be very honest, I mean, I ain’t got no freaking idea who I am, or who the people around me are!”
“Tell me what exactly you remember. What’s your last memory? Maybe I can help you to fresh up those memories of yours! I still can’t believe that you were able to forget about me!” he pouted and made her chuckle from it.
“Ok then.” His smile encouraged her and she closed her eyes for a second. “Ok, My name’s .”
“Good start!” he interrupted, making her giggle slightly. “So it’s , I am from , 19 years old, I’ll be in my last year of highschool soon,...”
“Wait a minute, hun! You...” his eyes widened. “Are you serious?”
She shrugged a little nervous, holding her right shoulder that ached from the sudden movement and bit down her lower lip. “Well yes, that’s what I remember. Why?”
“Baby, I... I don’t know how to tell you this, but... there are actually... several years missing on your memory.” He moved a little closer. “You are still , but... a lot of things have changed.”
“So...” she swallowed with a worried look on her face. “You mean there wasn’t any mix-up? I am actually married to this man? What was his name again?”
“It’s , baby. Your husband’s name is .” Comforting he fondled her arm and put his hand on her cheek. She was pale, her forehead covered with cold sweat.
“.” She repeated slowly, tightening the grip around his wrist. “How long...?”
“You’ve been married four years now.”
“But then... how old am I? I was 15 four years ago. Not much gettin’ married at that age without somebody being arrested for child abuse I assume!”
“Baby!” he still stroked her cheek with his thumb, trying to sooth her. It was too much for her and he bit his lip. Why hadn’t he waited for her to recover first! “Baby, I’m afraid you are not strong enough for this right now! Why don’t you just try to relax, I can ask for some medication if you want to sleep!”
“Bryan!” she grabbed his arm. “Don’t go! Please! Help me to end this nightmare!” she held his hand firmly, her knuckles white from the effort to hold him back. “Who the freaking hell am I, Bryan?”
Now it was his turn to swallow hard. Still insecure and unsure what to tell her he lifted his gaze. “Ok.” He took a deep breath. “May I?”he pointed at her bed and she nodded and watched him sitting down next to her. Carefully he put his arm around her. “Well, hun,” he started. “Your name is , you are from , but you moved to Ireland at the age of 24. That was also the age when you got married to .” He watched her cautiously and pulled her a little closer when she turned pale.
“So I am... 28?” she whispered and looked up to him.
He nodded, softly stroking her arm. “You are, hun.”
“Oh my.” She closed her eyes. “Gimme a second to absorb this.” He saw her swallowing several times. Then she opened her eyes again. “My parents and my brothers are alright?”
He nodded and smiled. “And you’re talking to your grandparents on the phone almost every weekend.” Softly he stroked her cheek. “Can you do me a favour, honeyloop?” he whispered.
“What?”
“Sleep now, ok? Just try to get some rest. I will tell you everything you want to know tomorrow, alright?”
She nodded a little reluctant. “Will you stay with me?”
“I will. ’s gonna be back any minute as well, we will both stay with you, I promise.”
“I want you to stay.” Her voice was only a whisper and she closed her eyes. “ is scaring me.”
“Why’s that, baby?” he pulled her closer. “He loves you so much, you will know it as soon as your memories start to return. Sleep baby, I’ll be right here with you.”
“It scares me that I am supposed to have a relationship with him and I do not even know him!” she nestled her face closer to his arm. “Are we happy, Bryan? Do we have a happy marriage?”
“You do baby. You’ve never been anything but happy.”
“You only say this because I am sick!” she whispered, but her eyes were too heavy to keep them open. Exhausted and completely jaded from staying awake fell asleep. Her subconscious mind still fought against it, but her body was too weak to stay awake any longer.

When she woke up the next morning she found and Bryan sleeping in two chairs. One was sitting to her right and one to her left. Slowly she let her gaze travel over the two men, looking closely at for the first time. He had hair, falling over his closed eyelids. His full lips were parted a little, his facial features completely relaxed while he snored lowly, wrinkling his sweet nose in his sleep from time to time. He was definitely more than just attractive. He was stunning! felt her heart pounding faster and leaned back because she felt dizzy from sitting up.
So this was her husband. The man she had been living and sleeping with for years. ‘Don’t start to freak out!’ she demanded herself but she couldn’t help feeling her chest tighten in fear again. She felt naked and helpless like a little animal trying desperately to find its shelter from the storm. Everything that should have been familiar and help her to recover was strange, odd and new and she couldn’t stop breathing loud and heavy. It was like a shock and it hit her with all clarity and cruelty: This man knew everything about her and she knew nothing! She had no idea who she was.
The complete right part of her body was a huge and burning pain and still she had no idea what had happened to her. The hard plaster on her shoulder seemed to squeeze all the air out of her lunges and she gasped in panic.
opened his eyes at once and almost stumbled when he got up from his seat. “You ok, luv?” he asked fearfully, sitting down on the mattress next to her, grabbing her hands. Sleepily he ran his fingers over his face. “You need a doctor?”
Still trying to breathe normally, shook her head. “It’s fine, thank you.” A little uncomfortable she looked at him. So this was her husband. Studying his face she raised her hand. He took it in his and kissed her palm. “I’m so glad you’re back, .” He whispered. “When I watched you sleeping last night I was so scared that you would maybe fall back into your coma. I so wanted to wake you up all night long just to make sure that you are fine!” again he kissed her hand and buried his face in it.
“?” it felt strange to say his name and cleared her throat. Her voice was still hoarse from the tube but she needed to talk to him so badly. He sensed the urge in her voice and looked up. “What is it luv?” carefully he stroked her cheek.
“Can you... can you tell me something about us, our life? I... It is still... I don’t remember... I can’t...”
“Shshshsh.” He moved a little closer. “What d’you want to know?”
“Well...” helplessly she shrugged her left shoulder. “Everything?”
“Where d’you want me to start then?” softly he kissed her cheek, stretching himself out next to her. It felt strange to have him close and took a deep breath to gather herself.
“I could start at the very beginning if you want, baby.”
She just nodded in agreement, watching him repositioning himself on her pillow, putting his arm around her very careful.
“Ok then. I met you for the first time in Scotland. It was in May 1999, somewhere around Inverness.”

Chapter 03

Flashback
May 1999, Scotland

“Wait!” grabbed ’s arm. “Look!” she pointed ahead where a group of young men was standing on the small path through the forest, only about 200 meters ahead. They were obviously having some kind of an argument and the two girls stopped walking to observe them carefully for a moment. There were four of them, pushing each other around slightly, their shouting cutting through the silence of the afternoon.
“I don’t want to pass them, !” whispered, trying to hide behind a small tree nearby. “They’re fighting! It’s scary! See?” she pointed at the men again, when a small one punched the biggest guy of the group into his stomach. The big one cursed loud and punched back, smashing his fist into the face of the small one, blowing him off his feet.
“Oh my GOD!” squealed. “Did you see that? He hit the other one unconscious brutally!”
squeezed her arm. “Don’t be silly! Look! He’s fine! Just pull your hood far down, then we can just walk by!” actually she sounded a lot more confident than she felt right at that moment. But she knew that her friend was very anxious and if she would now show the slightest sign of fear they would spend hours in the bushes they were hiding behind now.
It had been a very tiring day with rain and a lot of mosquitoes and now they had nearly reached the small hostel they intended to spend the night in. “Come on, babes! Only a few steps and then one more hour to go! We almost made it!!” She pulled her friend with her, trying to cheer her up.
When they approached the four guys, saw the small holding his nose, his hands and face covered with blood. He had tears in his eyes. “This whole mess is your fault, Bry!” he yelled with an unexpected deep and husky voice. “I never wanted to give up IOU! Westlife is shit! It sucks! And you suck, you prick!”
“So now it’s all me, ?” the big one laughed, throwing his blond hair back. “Why don’t you go fuckin’ back to fuckin’ Sligo and fuckin’ stay there? Cry to your mummy!”
“It was my band! And 's band! Why don’t you go fucking back to wherever you came from, McFadden?”
“!” a small haired guy put his hand on the 's shoulder. “Just leave it mate! We came here for vacation and a little reconnection, remember? Give us a chance, man! D’you want this band to split?”
“Split from this bastard at least! Hell, you broke my nose, McFadden!”
“Excuse me?” cleared her throat. “May we pass?” she was still pulling behind her, her friend shivering with fear and almost breaking her hand not to loosen grip.
The small one lifted his burning gaze and stared into a pair of piercing eyes, still blurred from his tears. Again she cleared her throat. “Are you alright?” she asked carefully and he shook his head furiously. “Just got me nose broken, sweetheart, so would you please just pass and fucking leave me alone?”
swallowed. “Well, if it is actually broken you might need someone to fix it don’t you think?”
“I assume that would be you, aye?” he hissed and glared at her heatedly. “Bit young to be a doctor, hum? Just go, I can help myself a lot better!”
“Wait!” the haired guy grabbed ’s arm. “Can you fix his nose?” he looked at her questioningly and smiled a little.
shrugged. “My father’s a vet, I did it once for a donkey like this one.” She pointed at the .
“A vet?” he gasped, stepping away from her, his eyes widened with shock.
“I was kidding!” she grinned. “One of my brothers is a hockey-player and I fixed a few noses for the team this winter.” She raised her eyebrow. “You want me to give it a try?”
“Dunno.” He watched her for a brief moment, taking in her appearance. She wasn’t a girlie girl with her big boots, dark cord trousers full of mud and her huge black pullover. Her head was covered with the hood of the sweater she wore and he couldn’t even tell whether she was attractive or not for he couldn’t see her face under it properly.
“Gets worse the longer we’re waitin’, pal!” he thought he’d seen her grinning a little when she put down the enormous backpack she had been carrying. “So does anyone have some booze, I’m not gonna try this without him being sedated a little.”
“We got some.” Another guy opened his backpack. He had been quiet for the whole fight and now smiled at . His accent was thick and his smile warm and felt that she liked him at once. McFadden had walked away a few steps and sat on a stone, mumbling and cursing silently, smoking a cigarette. She watched him from the corner of her eye. “I might need ya as well, man.” She yelled over to him, earning another short mumble.
Quickly she handed the bleeding one a bottle of whisky. “Listen, I need you to drink a lot of it and I need you to do it fast, ok? It helps to ease the pain a little.”
He took the bottle from her hands and smirked. “Consider it done, babe.” Quickly he opened it and took a big gulp. “How much d’ya want me to drink?”
“Well,” she scratched her nose. “Dunno, are you drinking frequently?”
He grinned and downed another gulp. “Babe, I’m Irish!”
“Oh!” she played with her lower lip and furrowed her brows. “Well then I might as well start without the liqueur, there must be plenty of this inside your blood from breakfast and lunch.”
He chuckled slightly, still sipping the bottle. She was quite funny. Still he had no idea how she really looked like but she was fun for sure.
“Ok, guys, I need your help soon.” The was quick to down half of the bottle and didn’t want to wait much longer because his nose was skew and started to swell rapidly. She felt her hands getting sweaty. ‘You did this before!’ she said to herself, trying to work up some courage and rubbed her hands. was still standing close behind her, trying her best to disappear behind her friend's back. “, I need you to cut a bough from one of these young trees around here, ok?”
Her friend swallowed and nodded, taking out her pocket knife.
“Ok. So let’s get this started.” She nodded at her patient. “You just keep on drinking, alright?”
“You bet!” he grinned although his nose was so swollen that it looked like a red potato. He had stopped the bleeding by putting some tissue pieces inside his nose trills and now looked like little walrus.
“Blanket? Does one of you have a blanket?”
“Use my camping pad.” The walrus pointed at his backpack on the path.
“Ok then.” Again clapped her hands after commanding her little emergency team over to a group of huge conifers to prevent them from getting soaking wet from the rain. “So I have the bough, I have tissues, blanket, adhesive tape and four people to help me. Perfect!” she put all the stuff she needed around the camping pad and stepped aside to wash her hands with water from her bottle. Taking the whisky out of the ’s hands she put a little bit over her fingers for disinfection. “Lay down.” She ordered, waving the haired one closer. “I need you to sit here and hold his head, ok? What’s your name?”
“It’s .” He sat down on the head side of the sleeping pad putting his friends head on his knees. “And you are?”
“This is and my name’s .” ’s voice was damped from her clothes when she took off her pullover and sweater. “Ok, guys, here we go.” She straddled her legs and got down on her knees, sitting down on the 's chest. He cleared his throat and smirked a little. “Well, now that you are sitting on me already, my name’s by the way.”
“It’s a pleasure, donkey!” she smiled at him, bending forward a little.
He was completely taken by surprise. She was beautiful! Her slender curves were now shown off in a tight blue t-shirt and he couldn’t stop staring at her firm breasts. The picture was completed by full lips, smiling encouraging and light eyes twinkling at him. “So are you ready for this?” she put her long hair back in a ponytail and waved for the other two men when nodded.
“And you are...?”
“. My name’s .” He got down on his knees. “What d’ya want me to do?”
“I want you to sit on his right arm and you,” she pointed at McFadden. “Sit on the other one. , I need you to put his head between your knees and hold it as firm as you can, ok? Put your hands to his forehead and stop every movement he does, ok?”
nodded, his own forehead covered with sweat that soon was mixed with raindrops that started to fall from the sky, pouring down on the small group heavily.
“? Come and sit on his knees, I don’t want him to kick me off. Everybody,” she removed the tissues from his nose. “I count to three, then all of you hold him as tight as you can, alright?”
Everybody nodded. They were on her command completely. This would make it a lot easier. Softly examined ’s nose, making him arch his back with a strange sound. Quickly she moved up on his upper chest and put her legs around him tighter. “Don’t move, it will be over quickly. Just trust me, ok?”
He had tears in his eyes but he nodded. “Ok.” He whispered and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Can you do me a favour?” he whispered out of a sudden.
“What? Hit you unconscious? Or maybe ask McFadden here to do it for me?” She lowered her hands, bending forward to wipe tears and raindrops from his face. He shook his head and slightly opened his left eye, taking another breath. “Kiss me.”
“What??” she stared down at him a little puzzled.
“You heard me, lil’ Doc!” he grinned. “Kiss me.”
“Why should I kiss you?” she laughed a little nervous, his eyes rattling her completely.
“Well, my nose is broken and you’re gonna hurt me a lot, so...” again he grinned. “I want to keep a little positive memory of you because I might hate you after your surgery... just one kiss.” He smiled, trying to work up his courage for what was about to happen. “Just one kiss to ease my pain, ok?”
“You are definitely the craziest patient I ever had, boy!” she shook her head. “I will not kiss you!”
“Just do it right before you hurt me, ok?” was completely ignoring her protest. “Do a dying man a favour, girl!!”
“You are officially crazy if you kiss this guy right now!” whispered from behind using the mother language of the two girls.
“I know!” whispered back, staring down at that still smiled and tried his very best to look brave. “Maybe it’s for the best, I give him a small kiss, grab his nose and fix it in one go.”
“Crazy!” whispered again and shook her head. “You have so lost your mind in those eyes!”
took a deep breath, taking some wet tissue had brought to clean her hands from time to time in the wild without water. Slowly she wiped the blood from his nose and chin and bent down, her gaze studying his nose, touching the biggest swollen spot. “Ok, this is where your nose is broken. I will need to squeeze it hard and bring it back in position ok? You ready?”
He nodded and closed his eyes, holding his breath.
“One, two, three.” She counted and felt the others around her tighten their grips. With her thumb and index-finger on ’s nose she lowered her face, softly touching his lips with hers. He opened his eyes in surprise. A loud snap was heard when pressed her fingers on his nose, swallowing a sharp cry that escaped his mouth.
“You alright?” she whispered out of breath, still holding the broken part of his nose very carefully.
“I think I am.” He closed his eyes again, trying to free his hands to wipe away the tears from his cheeks. “Pleasure and pain seem quite close together with you, girl!” he swallowed hard.
felt her hands shaking tensely. “Sorry to tell you that, but we’re not done jet. I will now put a bandage on your nose, it might hurt a bit, but I think that the worst pain is over. D’you still trust me?”
He nodded slowly. “It’s a case of Hobson’s choice I assume. Don’t have much of an opinion, aye?”
giggled, resting her forehead on his shoulder for a brief moment, trying to cope with the adrenalin rush flowing through her veins out of a sudden. It was done. She had managed to bring his nose back in position.
The air between the four guys seemed cleared a little and most of the tension and strain faded away when started to laugh. “Good job, girl!” he patted ’s back. “You alright, man?”
felt nodding and raised her head, running her fingers over her face to wipe some strands of hair back behind his ears. “Let’s get this finished, hum?”
Again he nodded and smiled cautiously trying to keep his facial features relaxed. “Go ahead, Doc, I’ll try to stand it.”
“You will manage.” Her smile was warm and cheering. Quickly she cut the small bough had brought for her in two. “Ok, donkey, I will now put some adhesive tape on your nose. These two are important for the fixation and should fasten your nose in the position I brought it to. Then I will try to put a few tissues on top as a cushion, ok? You’re ready?”
When the bandage was finished, sat up, taking a deep breath. Reaching for the whisky bottle she leaned back at . “Done.” She whispered. Her friend took her in her arms from behind. “Well done, crazy!” she put her cheek on ’s and smiled. “Let me guess, you are hungry now!”
“Hell I am!” laughed and took a sip from the bottle. “You know me too well, hun.” She let her gaze wander over the four guys and watched McFadden getting up. He put his hand forth to help back on his feet. “I’m sorry, man.”
“Me too, mate.” slapped his back slightly. “I didn’t mean what I said. You know me, mouth works a lot faster than the brain.” He grinned bashfully. “Sorry Bryan.”
“Well in my case the fist seems to be faster than the brain!” Bryan laughed. “Come on, we only got one more hour to go. Let’s have a smoke and then go find this hostel, I’m starving!”
“So what’s your plan, girls?” sat down next to on the camping pad, fetching a packed of cigarettes out of his backpack. “Want one?” he offered them but they shook their heads.
“Thanks a lot.” rummaged her own backpack. “I’m in my Menthol-phase.”
Grinning put the cigarettes right under her nose. “Then take one of mine.”
She looked at him surprised. “Wow! I thought that I was the only person in the world smoking menthol!” a little shy she took a cigarette from him and bent forward for him to lighten it.
“So you are from...?” sat down next to , wrinkling his nose. “I seem to be the only non-smoker, hum?” he watched lightening a fag as well.
“Sorry!” turned away a little. “We are from . Are you all from Ireland? You sound different.”
“Those two,” pointed at and Bryan with his cigarette. “They’re from Dublin and and I are from Sligo on the western coast.”
“Isn’t it... I mean Scotland and Ireland are quite similar, aren’t they? Why did you come here for your vacation?” took a deep drag and leaned back, enjoying the calmative effect of the nicotine.
“That was actually one of the issues we were fighting over before you came.” grinned, squinting his eyes when he looked up at and Bryan. “Don’t we have hills in Ireland?” he imitated Bryan and laughed.
“Shut the fuck up! You lost the maps somewhere during our last break!” answered, doing a perfect imitation of .
“Bu’ he did lose the maps!” laughed and pointed at Bryan. “How the hell did you manage to lose the maps by the way?”
“Maybe I ate them because you are forcing me to hike and walk all day long and I-am-starvin’!” Bryan punched his friends shoulder. “So girls, may we use your map for a second? We need to find this hostel, because I’ve really had enough for today!”
“Sure!” opened the side pocket of her backpack. “Are you gonna stay in one of the hostels around here as well?” she handed the map over to . He nodded. “We planned to spend the night close to Beauly ‘cause we want to take a route up north for a week or two.”
“Just like us!” whispered in squeezing ’s hand in excitement. Her friend raised her left eyebrow. “D’you wanna join them or what?”
“Don’t you? Ou come on! Stop pretending! Ya can’t take yer eyes off him!” giggled when blushed but she couldn’t help grinning. “No more fear?” mockingly she played with her eyebrow.
cocked a snook at her. “You are turning more and more nasty every day!”
laughed and hugged her. “I’m just kidding, babe!” chuckling she kissed her friend’s cheek. “They are too sweet to be left alone!” she watched from the corner of her eye. “He seems to be quite taken with you by the way.”
’s eyes became round. “You think?” she whispered breathlessly. “God, he is so hot! Don’t you think he’s too old for me?”
Grinning nudged her with her elbow. “Well, no need to get married right away!”
“He must have a girlfriend, I mean, look at him!”
Out of a sudden cleared his throat. “Sorry to interrupt, girls, but... Well I don’t speak but... are you talking about me?”
blushed. “Naaa, we were just planning the rest of the trip!” she said quickly but answered at the same time. “The landscape. We were just talking about the landscape!”
Looking at each other the two girls broke into laughter. “We should definitely collaborate and agree a little better on what we’re saying when it comes to lying, hum?”
couldn’t hold herself. The colour of her face had turned into some bright shape of pink. “Can it get any worse than that, ?” she managed to ask between the chuckles.
shook her head, switching to again. “Just grab him and marry him!” she got up. “Sorry.” She smiled at the guys. “We’re not too used to speaking English actually. So what’s your plan for now?”
With the map turned over to her. “I kinda like yer route.” His finger followed the blue line the girls had planned to manage during the next 10 days. “Mind if we join for a bit?” he beamed at her brightly, the bandage not dampening the effect of his heart melting smile one bit. “I think I owe you at least dinner, a walk at the beach, maybe attending an opera or something!”
She laughed. “Dinner’s fine with me. As long as I don’t have to eat haggis or something pervert like that!”
“I’ll figure something out for you.” He twinkled at her. Then he clapped his hands. “Come on you guys! Let’s go!”

About one and a half hours later the six of them finally reached Beauly. was still carrying the map and had been quite sober for the whole walk, surprisingly after almost half a bottle of Whisky. “We need to find Croyard Road, from there it should be easy to find.”
“What’s the name of the street again? Ferry Street?” took the map from his hands, studying it. “Don’t be afraid!” she looked at him with a smirk. “You’ll get it back and I promise I won’t lose it! Come on.” She softly nudged him with her elbow. “Let’s go find some place to eat and sleep! The rainclouds are getting darker again!”

“Hey there kids!” it was an old lady sitting behind the reception desk of the hostel watching them stepping through the door. “Oh! There’s plenty of you, aye?” she smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but we are almost fully booked!”
“But it’s getting dark and rainy outside. Can we maybe get something to eat now that we are here already?” Bryan ran his fingers through his hair, his charming and almost boyish smile melting the heart of the old woman. As quick as she could she walked around the desk. “Know what, kids, we got some spare room in the attic. There’s no beds but if you want you can spend the night, I won’t charge it. What d’ya say?”
“Sounds perfect!” nodded. “Thank you so much!”
“C’m on ya kids! Let me show you upstairs! Dinner is served in 10 minutes, so just get comfortable, ok?” The six of them just nodded completely exhausted, following the limping woman upstairs. The room they were led to was small but very tidy for an attic. “Make yourself home, kids!” The woman smiled. “By the way, my name’s Maggy.”
They all shook hands with her. “These are and and the guys are , Bryan and . My name’s , nice to meet you!” introduced all of them properly.
Maggy beamed at the group. “Now let me guess the couples. Hum... let me see there’s only two girls... but you, little sweatheart, must be his girl!” she pointed at and winked at . Both of them turned red immediately but before they could clarify the mistake Maggy turned over to have a close look at the rest of the lads. “And you my dear,” she elbowed slightly. “You are for sure... hum... you have the air of it, the big one is your guy!”
grinned and stepped forward. “Actually up ‘til now I had the pleasure to kiss her.”
The woman threw her head back and laughed. “I may also get a wrong guess from time to time! So I’ll see you at dinner, aye? Make yourself at home!” with that she closed the door behind her.

It took the six of them exactly five minutes to wash their hands and faces and rush downstairs into the dining room of the hostel. The whole house was furnished with dark wooden equipment, the walls covered with blankets in different tartan colourings and decorated with some pictures and ancient weapons. When stopped to have a closer look at one of the swords in a huge display case, Bryan ran into her from behind, taken by surprise by her sudden stop.
“I’m so sorry!” he grabbed her arm to prevent her from falling into the glass. “You alright?”
She nodded, looking up at him. “You must be hungry like hell!” grinning she shook her head and stepped aside. “Après vous, monsieur!”
The food was perfect for hungry hikers: There were eggs and grilled meat, freshly roasted in an open fireplace at the head of the room, a lot of cheese and sausages on each table and enormous portions of fresh bread and homemade butter. About 20 people were sitting on chairs and benches around the massive dark wooden tables, most of them young like the now entering group.
“There’s some space over there.” Bryan pointed ahead and walked over to a desk where three young men were sitting and having dinner. “Are these chairs free?” he asked, sitting down right away without even waiting for a proper answer, grabbing a slice of bread. “Thank god!” he sighed, closing his eyes and chewing the bread like a desperately starving man in a desert that just found an oasis. But even his friends were now too hungry to make fun of him and just sat down by his side, handing around bread and butter. was fast to order three pitchers of dark beer for them and couldn’t help smiling when he looked down at her plate filled with meat slices. She was ignoring the cheese and salads completely and he felt that he liked this girl more and more.
“Are you drinking?” asked that was sitting next to him and pointed at her with the pitcher in his hand. She raised her glass with a big grin. “Are you seriously asking a girl whether she likes beer or not? You must be kidding!!"
He returned her grin and filled her pint, raising his own glass. “To friends!” he smiled at all of them. “Old and new ones!” with that he twinkled at and put his pint on his lips, emptying it in one big gulp. The beer was good. Dark and bitter, most probably freshly brewed somewhere in town. Closing her eyes took another deep swig. “I’m so glad we came here!” she sighed, leaning back.
“Here’s to you, hun, I’m glad we finally did this!” smiled broadly, raising her glass in her friend’s direction.
“So what brought you two here?” took another slice of bread, catching the butter before could grab it, making her pout and laugh. “Well,” she leaned back on the wooden bench, holding her beer with both hands. “I have been dreaming about Scotland for quite some time and I always wanted to go hiking.”
“We met online actually.” continued, filling her pint again. “And trust me, if I had had the slightest idea how obsessed and dominating this bitch is, I would have never ever and for nothing in this world joined her on this trip!”
laughed in surprise. “I thought we were having fun!”
“If you are calling it fun to be stressed up and down every hill crossing your path then we are definitely having a big lot of it!” ironically raised her eyebrow and grinned. “Just joking!” she punched her friend softly over the table. “We are havin’ a blast, boys, I’m tellin’ ya!”
“Still sounds a bit mockingly, if you ask me!” punched her back, turning over to again. “We’ve been on the road for three days now, planning ten more to manage just backpacking. You saw the route, right? So that’s what we are up to.”
“What are you doing for a living?” Bryan grabbed a slice of cheese, putting it in his mouth.
“Nothin’ actually. We’re still at highschool, hopefully finishing next year and the year after.” pointed at herself, then at . “How about you? What brought you here?” she nodded at with a smile when he filled her pint again before refilling his own.
“Well,” Bryan smiled from ear to ear. “We are just a bunch of friends that needed a little reconnection. So decided that mountaineering would be perfect.” He threw a killing gaze at the small that raised his hands defensively. “ also said it would be a good idea!”
“Yeah, you two were completely into it, wasn’t sure and got sick right on time!!” Bryan emptied his pint. “I have been forced!”
laughed, leaning over to look at him. “You are a bit too gigantic to be forced, dear!!”
Bryan threw his head back and laughed deep and hoarsely. “It was like in Guilliver, you know the story? He’s also prisoner of the dwarfs.”
“So what are you doing in your life besides being friends then?” finished her last piece of meat, taking a new one from the plate that had just been sat into the middle of the table.
Out of a sudden the music stopped and the lights went out. A low murmur ran through the people in the room. Then Maggy entered the dining area, clapping her hands. “Everything’s alright, kids! Just a little blackout! Happens a lot these days. We had to shut everything down but maybe there’s some among you able to sing or tell a story so that we won’t get bored! We got two guitars, if you wanna have try!”
Bryan winked at and smiled. “Wanna give it a try, ? We could play some!”
shrugged and got up as well to follow his friend. “What about you two? Don’t you wanna come?”
and exchanged a gaze and shrugged. “You two start, we will join you.” refilled his pint. “Let’s see what you can do on your own, you two rockers!” he grinned and leaned back.
Sitting down close to the fire, Bryan cleared his throat apparently a little nervous. “Well then,” he ran his fingers over the strings of his guitar. “If you don’t mind, we’re gonna try to play a few songs for you.” Shyly he smiled at the audience. “Let me introduce you to my very best mate, Paul Simon. My name’s Art Garfunkel and we are pleased to host this show tonight!” grinning he plucked a few cords.
looked up and nodded with a smile. “Kathy’s song, Art?”
“Kathy’s song, Paul.” Bryan returned his smile and started to play very softly.
When started to sing the first line, felt a shiver running down her back. It was one of her favourite songs by Simon and Garfunkel and she couldn’t believe that this sweet guy sitting by the open fireplace had actually started playing and singing it. When their eyes met, gave her a smile. His eyes were shining in the soft light of the flames and she couldn’t stop staring at him until he had finished the song.
“How ‘bout ‘The Boxer’, now that we’re in the mood already?” looked at Bryan. “D’you wanna?”
His friend nodded immediately and cleared his throat before starting to sing along with his friend.
The two of them kept on playing and singing and after a while, and joined them. They sounded quite good together and everybody started clapping and singing along with them. The crowd was applauding and cheering when Bryan and put their guitars down and got up to take a bow with their two friends. Out of a sudden three girls approached them. The first one, a small blonde, stepped up on her tiptoes to whisper something into Bryan’s ear. He laughed in surprise and nodded. The girls started to giggle and squeal, nudging each other with their elbows.
leaned over to . “What kind of a sanatorium break-out is taking place over there?” she pointed at the girls, tossing down her last sip of beer.
turned around and shook her head. “No idea.” She looked at her friend with one eyebrow raised. “Would you go for a bunch of guys that already hang out with some girls?” again she shook her head. “Well, I wouldn’t!”
nodded in agreement. “I wouldn’t wanna piss of a girlfriend either and you never know in a group...” she cocked her head. “Am I going crazy or are they actually taking pictures of the guys now?”
Again turned around and grinned. “Well, they sounded nice, maybe they will make it big one day! Then these girls are the first ones to tell that they met them!”
laughed. “You’re right! We should take some tonight when they’re asleep or maybe we can catch a few in the bathroom tomorrow morning!! That would be quite a seller on ebay in a few years!”
The two of them were still laughing when the boys returned.
“What’s so funny?” took the pitcher and sat down on the bench next to . “Didn’t you like it?”
“We did!” saluted him. “You were really good!! We were just wondering about these girls and planning that we could take some pictures and signatures as well and sell them as soon as you guys made it big!”
laughed. “Watch out, we’re waiting for the hot stuff!”
leaned back with a big grin, playing with the hood of s pullover. “Yep, maybe we will make it big one day.”
Raising her eyebrow turned to . “I have no idea what these girls wanted from you, but you are definitely making me curious!” she took a marker out of the pocket of her trousers and pulled up her sweat shirt. “You’d better sign me, this is getting interesting!”
He laughed and took the pen out of her hand. “What d’you want me to write?”
“Surprise me!” grinning she winked at him, watching him getting up from the bench again. “Get up, gal, let me sign ya properly!!” he returned her little twinkle and took her hand to help her up. Straightening her baby blue t-shirt, fixating its bottom with his left hand he bent down and started to write.
“Done.” Grinning he put the cover over the tip of her pen again and stepped back.
“I have been kissed by from Westlife.” managed to read upside down and looked up at him. “But that’s not true!” she laughed. “You didn’t kiss me, I kissed you, my little fella!”
He just grinned down at her. “Maybe I should change it then, what d’ya say?”
“Please do so!” she looked down and waited for him to correct his words but he didn’t open the pen again. Instead his smile grew wider and he bent down a little, lifting her chin with his index and middle finger. It was his turn to swallow a small squeal that escaped her parted lips when he touched them with his own. Still smiling he put his hands on her cheeks and softly kissed her again, ignoring her eyes that widened in surprise. Taking the cover off the pen with his teeth, he grinned. “Now I can change it.” He bent down and added “twice” behind what he had already written on her shirt.
For the first time in her life was speechless. Staring at in complete shock she just remained standing, still holding up her sweater. He chuckled. “You can get dressed again!” smiling he pulled her shirt down and took her arm. “Looks like we’re done. Let’s have another drink, what’d ya say?”
All she could do was nodding, totally blown off her feet for another second. Then she suddenly started to laugh, gasping for air and unable to stop for at least a minute. raised an eyebrow. “That was actually not the reaction I was hoping for.” He shoved her away a little, a small grin playing with the questioningly gaze in his face.
“God, I’m so sorry !” she patted his chest, still giggling. “You took me by surprise like no one ever before and you... you left me gobsmacked! I was thunderstruck! That has never ever happened to me! Chappeau, man!” with a whimsically smile she cupped his face with her hands and bent forward to kiss him back. “Well, now we’re even, I assume.” Grinning she put her fingers on his lips. “Let’s keep it that way for now, ok?”
“For Christ’s sake, can you please stop this you two?” punched ’s shoulder. “Stop being romantic! This is not ‘Titanic’!”
“Hey!” punched back. “You have been talking about this girlfriend of yours for months now and now you want me to stop kissing mine?” he grinned and put his arm around . “No chance man!”
“You’re taking this girlfriend thing quite serious, sweetheart!” shook her head with a grin and sipped her beer. “Remember, I got the air! Maybe I was made to be with a king one day! Perhaps a prince. Or at least a count or something!”
He laughed in surprise. “So I assume that I will have to wait for a bit, hum?” with a smile he fetched the marker from her back pocket again and nudged her with his elbow. “Up again, luv!” with a concentrated look on his face he bent down again when she stood in front of him once more, continuing to write on her shirt. He looked so adorable with the tip of his tongue stuck out from the corner of his full lipped mouth that couldn’t help smiling and running her fingers through his hair. “What is this?” she asked curiously when he leaned back, pulling her with him. “This, my dear, is my phone number. As soon as you have lowered your standards a little, your highness, just gimme a call, ok?” he smiled broadly, softly kissing her cheek. “If you also gimme yours I might call you the minute I am crowned as a king or whatever it needs to be with you, alright?”
Giggling nodded and turned over to . “Is he always like that?” she whispered seemingly intimate, but loud enough to let everybody on the table hear it, making a grimace and whistling trough her teeth.
chocked on his beer and laughed, coughing a little. “Never seen him that stupid!” again he coughed. “Must be your air, sweetheart!”

Chapter 04

All of them fell asleep quickly that night. The whole day had been exhausting and they were happy to finally lie down and feel warm and comfortable in their sleeping bags.
It was that woke up in the middle of the night from silent sobs. Sleepily he turned around, feeling his way to the sleeping bag next to him. When his eyes had adjusted to the darkness around him he saw the little figure all coiled up in herself.
She was obviously crying, her body tensed from the effort to keep the noise of her sobs as low as possible. Carefully he bent over her, touching her shoulder. “?” he whispered softly. “Are you alright?” it was a stupid question and he knew it, but what else should he ask her? Gently rubbing her back he turned her around, watching her face, dimly in the half light of the attic. “You want me to hold you for a bit?” stroking her cheek wet from the tears she shed he slipped out of his sleeping bag, drawing a little closer to her to take her in his arms. Without saying a word she dug her fingers into his t-shirt and clung onto him as if her life would depend on holding herself as tight as possible to him. Still she was crying hard, her shoulders shaking while she wept almost noiselessly. He felt a little helpless and overstrained by her outburst of feelings, but she was evidently too sad to explain her feelings. Tenderly he caressed her hair, whispering soft words to soothe her, every sob he felt on his chest making him feel heartbroken.
“I’m – sorry – !” she stammered after a few minutes, her voice throaty from crying. Still her forehead was snuggled to his neck and he moved away a little to face her. “Better now?” he whispered, stroking her cheek with the palm of his hand, trying to wipe the last tears away that fell from her eyes.
She tried to nod, closing her eyes and leaning her face into his hand. “I’m sorry.” She whispered again.
“For what?” he smiled down at her, playfully kissing the tip of her nose, making her snivel and laugh silently.
“You wanna catch some fresh air?” he pointed at the door with his head and helped her up when she nodded. Quickly he took one of the two plastic cards they had been given by Maggy to open the front door in case they stayed out late and grabbed two blankets from a shelf in a small corner. “Take one, it might be cold outside.” He smiled. “Come on, luv.”
On their tiptoes the two of them sneaked down the creaking stairs from the attic to the ground floor, sidling outside into the cold night.
was thankful for being with her. The nightmares that had been haunting her for weeks now had found their peak this night and she didn’t want to be alone.
Not caring about the fact that they were in their pyjamas they started walking, quickly leaving the hostel behind, crossing the street. For a few minutes they followed a small road in total silence. didn’t really look up. She seemed deep in her thoughts almost lost in them and didn’t want to disturb her. From time to time he let his gaze travel over her. It was weird. He didn’t even know her properly but he felt that he liked her more than he should by now. The moment she had been lying in his arms, crying her heart out, had been one of the most intimate moments he had ever experienced but... it was still weird. It almost felt as if she had belonged there. In his embrace. His arms. But there was no way to describe or explain the way he felt. He had only known her for a few hours and although he wished to touch and hold her again, there was no way to tell her that. He was no good with words and he knew it, so he kept silent and just walked on with her.
Without even realising it they had reached Beauly river and took a deep breath when he smelled the wet, almost oceanic air. He loved the beach, water, sand, everything about it. Carefully he put his arm around ’s shoulder. “Wanna go down to the water and sit there for a bit?” he whispered and she nodded, smiling for the first time.
“Love to.”
He put his blanket down on the ground and tried to get comfortable. “Come here.” He beckoned over and she sat down next to him, opening her blanket to give him a little access. It was freezing cold and she moved a little closer to his warm body.
He waited for her to break the silence again, not wanting to push her into talking about what had been on her mind to make her cry so hard. After a few minutes she took a deep breath. “You must think that I am crazy.” Still she stared down into the water, her small fingers playing with the border of the blanket.
He put his arm around her again. “I don’t.” Softly he nudged her forehead with his chin. “And you know that you don’t owe me any kind of explanation. I’m just here with you to comfort you a bit if I can manage.”
“Trust me, you do.” She exhaled with a small sound. “And I know, I don’t owe you an explanation, but I... I don’t know... I’m not sure...”
Carefully he put his finger in her lips. “Just becalm, ok luv? If you wanna get rid of something that’s bothering you, I’ll be there for you, ok?”
Again she nodded, biting her lower lip. “It was... I was crying because... It was because of my ex-boyfriend.” She took a deep breath. “We.. we just broke up a few weeks ago and...” she fell silent.
“Is it still getting close, hum?” he encouraged her to continue, surprised when she shook her head.
“That’s not it.” Breathing heavily she wound her arms around her knees, putting her forehead on top. “He broke up because I didn’t want to sleep with him.”
clicked his tongue. “Stupid bastard.” He murmured, stroking her back. “That’s a decision he has to respect! If you want to wait until you are married that’s perfectly fine!”
“!” she looked up and shook her head. Tears started to fall from her eyes but she didn’t wipe them away. “I’m not a virgin anymore.” Again she put her face on her folded arms. “Not since... since this... he...”
felt his hackles rising when he felt her shoulders tensing under his arm. Something was burning inside his stomach and he couldn’t help pulling the girl next to him a little closer. “What?” he whispered, already sensing what she was about to tell him and not sure if he actually wanted to hear it.
Once more she remained silent for a few brief moments. Then she swallowed hard. “Last year... I... I was dating this guy, really nice and handsome. He was a university student and we... we got along quite well but one night... we...” again she swallowed. “We came home from a party and I didn’t want to go home, so I slept over at his place. I... I didn’t want it to happen, but he... he was so drunk and then... he just...” she covered her face with her hands and started to sob again. “He just did it and it hurt so much! He... I was crying and begged him to stop but he didn’t.”
couldn’t believe his ears. Not sure what to do he just held her close, still stroking her back while she tried to continue. “When he... when it was over I just grabbed my stuff and ran away. I didn’t know where to go, so I just rang at the house of a neighbour a few streets away and they... they let me in and called the police. I... I was brought to a doctor to examine me.” She shook her head. “God, it was so embarrassing to talk to the police and tell them that... that my own boyfriend had... had raped me.” Wiping away her tears she stared into the water again. “The funny thing is, nothing happened. He didn’t get arrested or something. The court decided that he should just do some community service for a few months.” She swallowed. “Which leads directly to my new ex-boyfriend.” She sat up a little, pushing her long hair back. “We have been seeing each other for almost eight months but I just couldn’t... I mean... it... it was still so close and I just wanted to wait until I knew him completely to trust him and feel safe when I do it again, but he... he became impatient. He was asking over and over again, trying to convince me, he was begging for it but I... I just couldn’t do it! Then, only a few weeks ago, I came to visit him because he had been sick and I wanted to bring him his homework so I went to his place and when I sat next to him on the sofa he just... Out of a sudden he grabbed me and started to kiss me! I pushed him away but he just went on and said, that I might be the kind of girl that needs to be forced a little.”
clenched his fist, shaking his head in disbelief. “Did he...?” he wasn’t even able to articulate it properly and felt ease when she shook her head.
“I kicked his balls and ran away. Never talked to him since that day.”
“But... I mean that... what they did to you... it’s a crime! They need to be punished, penalized for it!”
She looked up for a second, her eyes still filled with tears. “The police did nothing.” Out of a sudden a small smile flashed over her face, almost too small to reach the corners of her mouth. “At least they got a little something they deserve.”
raised his eyebrow when her smile grew a little wider despite her tears. “I got two brothers. My younger one, Fabian, he’s playing hockey with my last boyfriend. And on their last match he and his friends caused a huge crash and somehow... well, somehow they managed to break his nose and arm. So at least he won’t be able to fulfil his dream and go to the US with his hockey-scholarship.”
A small giggle came over ’s lips. “What about this other son of a bitch?”
“As I said, I got two brothers. Julian is five years older than I and when he and his friends met my ex in a club they just provoked a fight and one of Julian’s friends accidentally bumped into him. I was told that his leg was broken and that he won’t be able to use the most important part of his body for a very long time.” She shrugged a little. “I know it is not right but this revenge made me feel a little eased.”
“I would’ve broken his neck!” whispered with his teeth gritted. Softly he caressed ’s arm. “I’m sorry.” Resting his forehead on her temple he sighed.
“Don’t be.” patted his cheek. “I so want to get over this! But it is hard. They gave me medication to cope with the post-traumatic-shock. They prescribed me Lithium. Should help to ease the pain and help me working it out.” She sighed as well. “Actually it is making me very tired, often I feel sick and I can’t stop shaking. But I kept on taking it until I came to Scotland a few days ago. Maybe that’s why everything came back to me now. The doctor’s told me not to discontinue too fast, but I was so fed up with it!”
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“You’re already doing it.” She nestled her face to his neck. “I just... please don’t tell your friends, ok? It’s bad enough that you are feeling sorry for me now. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.”
“I won’t luv. Promise.” Again he kissed her forehead very tenderly.
They sat in silence, just listening to the sounds of the river.
rested her head on his shoulder. “Thanks for being there for me, .” She whispered
“You’re welcome, dear!” He raised his eyebrow with a smile. “What did you just call me?”
She blushed. “I’m sorry, . I didn’t mean to...”
“No, it’s fine. ? No one has ever called me this before.” He leaned his chin to her forehead.
“So what are they calling you then? Your name’s a bit short to find nicknames, hum?”
“That’s true. But often, especially when they are really pissed, they use to call me .” He smiled. “That has actually been quite common these days.”
“You’re very close, hum?” she closed her eyes, snuggling her face to his neck. He smelled so good. It wasn’t only his aftershave, it was the scent of his skin that made her knees go weak when she moved a little closer, rubbing her nose very softly behind his ear. He smiled and placed a gentle kiss on her temple. “We are actually. To be very honest, that’s what’s making all of this so hard.”
“What d’ya mean by that?” she looked up at him and saw the expression on his face changing a little.
“Well,” he cleared his throat. “it is just that... you know, I’ve known for almost all my life and we... we always wanted to start a band together, but he was a little more into love songs and slow music, very romantic, ya know? Well and I... while he was writing lovesongs I have been playing and singing in every rock band of our hometown since I was 15.”
She laughed. “You look too nice to play in rock bands, ! You’re like the perfect son in law to every mother that’s scared to let go of her little girl!”
He laughed with her and pulled her closer again, feeling her chuckling on his chest. “Well, it is definitely the inside that counts. Some people are a lot show and no substance.” Carefully he brushed her hair back with his fingers. “I might have the appearance of Mummy’s little darlin’ but there’s a lot more, most people do not see.” Looking deep into her eyes he returned her smile. “Especially in the situation I am in.”
“Hum?” she looked up to him. “You mean this band thing?”
He nodded. “We founded a band called IOU, that was almost four years ago. It was six boys from our hometown and although they had to convince me into this boygroup-thing we were having a blast. Then last year the management decided that we had to split. They wanted us to finally break through and brought and Bryan to join us. In return we had to displace three of our own guys. Man, that was hard.”
“I can imagine.” She nodded on his shoulder. “Did it work out?”
“Well,” he grinned. “As you can see, I didn’t end up heart-broken but nose-broken because of McFadden. But honestly, it was hard. Now we are called Westlife, Ronan Keating is taking care of us and we really made it in Ireland. Maybe the rest of Europe will follow one day.” He smiled, a little uncertain how she would react to this confession, but he felt that she was laughing again. “You are telling me that you already made it big? So your signature and phone number on my shirt are worth a fortune on the internet?”
“Hum... maybe... dunno.” He wanted to scratch his nose but stopped when he touched the bandage, cursing silently.
“That is so funny! I never really met a famous person and now... I mean now I’m sitting here by a river in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but my pj’s, telling a celebrity the most awful stories of my life. God!” she put her forehead to his collarbone and giggled. “Are you serious? You are a singer? You are a member of a boygroup? Seriously?”
“Yep.” He grinned broadly.
“Ok, now I’m flattered! I caught the attention of a boygroup-member!”
“Well, it’s not a big deal, I mean, we just started, so...” he paused, looking down at her. “I will send you a CD if you want.” He offered with a smile. “Signed of course!”
She laughed with him making him feel a little eased. Still her words from before were spinning in his head and he wondered where she got the strength to continue living a normal life after the bad things that had happened to her. And in a strange way he felt so close to her that his heartbeat increased when she looked at him with her shining eyes. Quickly he got up, surprised by his suddenly rising feelings for the small by his side. “Come on, little girl, let’s go back. It must be dawn soon and we got a lot of hiking to do tomorrow.”
When she nodded he helped her up and put his arm around her shoulders feeling her arm sliding around his waist. “You are crazy, .” She took his hand in hers, caressing his palm with her thumb. “So will you invite me over to see one of your concerts one day?”
“Sure!” he smiled and kissed her cheek. “We are planning a little tour and there are a few gigs in as well, maybe you can make it there.”
“I will try.” She smiled at him. “You are crazy, !” she repeated, making him giggle.
“Tell me something I do not know already!” although he was joking his heart was still pounding in his chest. Maybe he was crazy but when he looked into her eyes he knew one thing for sure: He didn’t want to let her go again.

When they entered the attic again, sneaking inside as quiet as possible, grabbed ’s hand, nodding at ’s sleeping bag. ’s was obviously empty and there were at least two persons inside hers. To stop herself from giggling put her hand on her lips. The two of them had been sneaking around each other all day long, chuckling around playfully, flirting shyly. twitched ’s top, pointing at the clothes that were distributed randomly around the camping pads nearby. When they exchanged a gaze they couldn’t refrain from a small laughter that suddenly startled the two caught ones. pulled the sleeping bag from his head, turning a little to face his giggling friends. His face blushed and he quickly grabbed some of the clothes next to him.
When met ’s gaze she couldn’t help laughing silently, putting her hands over her red face. “I assume that we are busted, hum?” she managed to whisper.
nodded, picking up her friend’s top and panties and throwing it over to her with a grin. “Just go ahead, we are moving away a little and listen to some music, ok?” she turned away, taking ’s sleeping bag with her, putting it down next to Bryan to give the two of them a bit more privacy. “By the way, ,” suddenly she turned back at her friend that still tried to get dressed with in the same sleeping bag. “Can you try to keep it low? I mean, I’ve known you for quite some time now and...”
“Shut the fuck up!” hissed, her cheeks turning pink while she tried to pull her top over her head.
silenced her low cursing with a kiss. “We’re busted anyway, hun, just stop getting dressed again and kiss me instead!” with a grin he bent over her, pulling the blanket back over his head.
was still grinning when he sat down, opening the zipper of his sleeping bag. “You wanna pick up yours as well or d’ya wanna share mine for tonight?”
She hesitated for a second, then she sat down next to him. “If you promise...”
“Of course!” he interrupted her immediately. “What did you think?”
“That was actually not what I had in mind. I just wanted you to promise that you’ll hold me again if my nightmares return.”
“Again,” he widened his arms and smiled. “Of course!”

and were the last ones to get up in the morning and join their friends for breakfast. just grinned a little but and Bryan couldn’t stop making fun of them because ’s lips were swollen and he even had a little love bite right behind his ear...

“I so need a beer right now!!” leaned back on the wooden bench of the small pub they had found on their way home to the hostel. did the same and pulled with him, sighing in relief. “Goodness! Sightseeing is even more exhausting than this whole mountaineering stuff!”
laughed, trying to pull another chair a bit closer to put his tired feet up. “Get at least three pitchers, mate!” he yelled over to Bryan that was talking and obviously flirting with the waitress instead of ordering beer for the group.
“How ‘bout food?” leaned her head on ’s shoulder, closing her eyes. He chuckled. “Food sounds good, luv!” he put his arm around her, kissing her forehead.
The six of them had decided to take the train to Inverness in the morning for some sightseeing, visiting Loch Ness and taking a boat to Urquart Castle. Now it was almost nine pm and they all were completely shattered. The small pub they had entered to grab a bite to eat and have a few drinks was luckily right around the corner from their hostel so they wouldn’t have to walk far to finally get into their beds.
Carrying two pitchers of dark beer Bryan returned to the table with a huge grin on his face and the waitress in his tow. “Guys, Janet here just told me that there’s gonna be karaoke tonight! Anyone up for it?” he pushed ’s feet aside and sat down on the last free chair.
sighed and started filling the pints. “Do we have to make a fool of ourselves every night? I thought that we were on vacation.”
“Aww, come on, mate!” Bryan punched him slightly. “You love it just as much as we all do!” swaying his arms he started to sing. “Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl...” and laughed when gave him the finger. “I was drunk, man!! Who’d be able to sing the Copacabana without being completely ratted!!”
“But you had a blast up there, !” took a sip of his beer. “Fess up to it, mate!”
“Ok then,” Bryan turned back to the waitress. “So get us the song list to choose, here’s gonna rock the house!” he laughed. “And how ‘bout some roast and dumplings? Everybody in?”
After dinner took the little booklet to check on the songs that would be available to sing that night. “Will you do one with me?” he asked , shuffling the booklet into her direction. She just laughed. “Over my dead body, dear! I will never sing in front of an audience.”
“This is not an audience, babe, this is a bunch of drunken young people! Come on! Pull yourself together, luv!”
“I won’t. As I said: Over my dead body!!” she shook her head and patted his cheek. “Go up there and have fun! Find yourself another Cher to join you, Sonny!”
Out of a sudden Bryan grabbed the booklet. “Let me see....” he turned the pages quickly. “Good one! Let’s get this party started!” emptying his pint in one go he got up and walked over to the DJ.
The waitress that apparently also had the duty to work as the announcer of the night entered the small stage in the corner of the pub. “Well you guys, let the games begin, here’s the first candidate for tonight’s karaoke! Welcome Bryan performing Van Morrison’s “All over now”.” She clapped her hands, enjoying the sight of the huge blond, smiling and winking at her when he grabbed the microphone.
and couldn’t help it: Van Morrison definitely was one of their favourite bands, so they got up on the bench, cheering and clapping when Bryan started to sing with his husky voice.

“You must leave now take what you need
You think will last
But whatever you wish to keep you better grab it fast
Yonder stands your orphan with his gun
Crying like a fire in the sun
Look out baby, the saints are comin' through
And it's all over now baby blue

He was dancing along with the song, making the female visitors of the pub scream and cheer even louder, his blond hair falling into his eyes from time to time and the cigarette in his hand making him appear somehow wicked and mischievous.
“I so wanna marry this guy!” laughed and jumped on the bench, screaming Bryan’s name over and over again. He smiled and waved at the two of them, making them freak out completely.

The highway is for gamblers better use your sense
Take what you have gathered from coincidence
The empty handed painter from your streets
Is drawing crazy patterns on your sheets
The sky too is fallin in over you- ooo
And it's all over now baby blue

Leave your stepping stones behind
There's something that calls for you
Forget the debt you left that will not follow you
Your lover who has just walked through the door
Has taken all his blankets from the floor
The carpet too is foldin' over you
And it's all over now baby blue

Well strike another match, yeah, go start a-new
Go start a-new
'Cause it's all over now baby blue
Hey, hey, yeah
It's all over, it's all over now baby blue
It's all over, it's all over now oh yeah
It's all over now, it's all over now baby blue”

The whole pub was on its feet, applauding for his performance. But nobody wanted to sing after him hogging the limelight with his kick ass show.
With a small side glance at got up. “Come on, luv, we need to do something to encourage those poor people to sing again!!” he smiled at her and took her hand.
The two of them did quite good on ‘I’ll be there for you’ by the Rembrandts and soon there were more people working up their courage and singing alone or in groups.

Chapter 05

End of flashback
September 2009, Sligo General Hospital, Ireland

woke up with a start when somebody opened the door to her room. She looked up to find Bryan entering the room with two mugs. “Hey babe!” he smiled, closing the door with his elbow. “Did you have a good nap?”
“I didn’t even realize that I fell asleep!” Surprised she rubbed her eyes, feeling pulling her a little closer again. When he took one of the mugs from Bryan he cleared his throat. “Thanks, mate.” He sat up a little. “Well I had a good nap actually.” Smiling he bent down to kiss his wife’s cheek.
“So how far did you get with the narrating?” Bryan sat down in his chair again, sipping his coffee.
“I think that we’re still in 1999. Our vacation in Scotland.”
Bryan smiled. “You told her about the night in the pub where and her were singing Janis Joplin on the table?”
“I didn’t. Actually I was about to when we were falling asleep!” laughed. “God d’you remember how we almost got arrested when we broke into that public pool the same night?”
“I still got the pictures on my kitchen wall in my flat in Dublin!” smirking Bryan got up, waving at . “Come on, mate, Dr. Carter reminded me that Dr Murphy’s gonna be here any minute.”
“Who’s Dr. Murphy?” asked appalled when she felt getting up from the bed. He bent down again, softly kissing her lips. “We’ll be right back, ok dear? Dr. Murphy is a psychologist; she wants to talk to you to maybe help you to get back your memories a little faster.” He smiled but there was still fear in his eyes and she couldn’t help patting his cheek. “I’ll see you later, ok?” she tried to return his smile. “I’m gonna be fine, .”
He nodded and kissed her once again before he left the room.
leaned back. Still everything was new and she couldn’t remember anything of the last ten years. Although had told her about the first time they had met and the first days they had spent together the story did not ring a bell. It was more like listening to somebody else’s life and experiences. How could that be? She must have experienced all of this but she couldn’t find the matching pictures and memories on her mind. Sighing she closed her eyes. had tried his best. His voice had been soft and soothing, most of what he had told her had sounded almost too romantic to be true. Lying in his arms had been strange in the beginning but there was something about him that had helped her lose her tenseness and made her feel comfortable with him.
“Hey there!” a woman in her mid-forties entered the room. She had dark curls and wore a white blouse and jeans instead of a lab coat. Putting her hand forth she smiled at . “My name’s Amanda Murphy, please call me Amanda. How are you today?”
Surprised by her kindness and her informal way of talking sat up a little. “I’m fine, thank you.” Still shaking the woman’s hand she raised her eyebrow. “So you are my shrink, Amanda?”
“I am.” The woman smiled and pulled one of the chairs a little closer. “Did Dr. Carter talk to you already?”
“About what?”
“Well, your status. He called me yesterday to check on you because he said that your physical injuries don’t explain your memory losses completely.”
“Maybe he... maybe Dr. Carter wanted to wait until I had recovered a bit more. I suppose he talked to my husband about my injuries.” She swallowed hard. All the movement made her whole body ache again. Her shoulder was throbbing and when she touched her temple her fingers found an adhesive tape. The whole extent of the damage this accident had caused to her body seemed to be a lot greater than she had expected. “Can you tell me what... I mean what exactly happened to me?”
“The doctors are still puzzling about it, , you mind if I call you ?” the woman moved a little closer. “It seems that... well, the lesion on your brain is most likely to be associated with a post-traumatic cyst. Those lesions are rare and the doctors are still trying to find the reason for it. There has been no serious damage to your brain itself; that is the good news. The tests are still running and we hope that we can tell you more by tomorrow. But this is not what I am here for right now.” The doctor smiled, placing her elbows on her patient’s bed. “I was surprised that you called him your husband. So you are accepting it already? Or is there anything that you can remember?”
Slowly shook her head and lowered her gaze, fiddling the white bedcover between her fingers. “Nothing.” When she looked up again her eyes were filled with tears. “I don’t even know his face.” Quickly she wiped away the small traces on her cheeks and sniffled. “But there is something that I remember.” Again she sniffled, nodding thankfully at Amanda that handed a tissue over to her. “I remember his voice. Somewhere deep inside I remember the sound of it. As well as Bryan’s. he... he must have talked to me before because his voice kind of relaxed me when he tried to tell me something about our life this morning. I... I even fell asleep because I felt so safe out of a sudden only by the sound of his voice. Maybe this sounds a bit strange...”
“Not at all.” The psychologist smiled. “That is exactly the basis we are going to work on together. After a traumatic accident most people with similar lesions like yours keep denying everything. It takes weeks or even months and years to help them accepting their families again, imagine how hard that is for the relatives. So tell me, what is the last thing you remember?”
“Well,” cleared her throat. “On my clock it’s still summer 1998, so this must be like... well, maybe a few months or about a year before I met for the first time.”
Outside on the corridor was squirrely shifting from one leg to the other.
“Relax, mate!” Bryan grabbed his friend's shoulder. “She’s fine, ok?”
“I know.” Nervously started to bite his nails. “But what if... what if she doesn’t... what if her memories don’t come back?”
“Wohow, man! Don’t meet trouble halfway!! Give her some time, it’s gonna be fine!”
swallowed hard, looking up into his friend’s eyes. “God damn it, McFadden, I so wanna shove ‘it’s gonna be fine’ up yer ass right now!” staring along the corridor he leaned his back to the wall but only to jump up a few seconds later. “!” he ran to meet ’s best friend and hugged her tightly. “You shouldn’t have cut your vacation short, hun!” carefully he put his hand on her round belly. “You needed it!”
“Fiddlesticks!” with a quick gesture waved his comment aside. “Bad enough that convinced me to leave her for a few days because he was afraid that I could have a miscarriage! Where is she? I need to see her!” breathing heavily she leaned at the wall for a second.
“Where the heck’s yer husband?” Bryan put his arm around her waist to stabilize his pregnant friend.
She pointed down the long hospital corridor. “Parkin’ the car.” She sighed. “Damn it, why is everything so tiring?”
“Sometimes seven months of pregnancy explain a lot, dear!” he grinned, dodging a blow when she raised her hand.
“Why are you two not inside?”
“She has an appointment with a psychologist. They’re checking her inside out.”
broke away from Bryan. “Psychologist my ass!” she pushed the door open, entering ’s room. “Thank god you are awake, babes!” quickly she made her way to the bed, hugging her friend firmly. “God! You look awful, love!”
Completely taken by surprise looked at her. “Well, hi.” She smiled slightly. “I’m actually not that good. Very charming.”
had followed her and nodded at Dr. Murphy apologetically. “I’m sorry, we couldn’t stop her.” Quickly he grabbed ’s arm. “Come on, babes, let’s wait outside, ok?”
She gave him a killer-look. “Are you nuts, ? Tell me, are you fucking kidding me? This is my best friend, staring at me as if I was a mooncalf and you want me to wait outside without giving me any explanation about what is going on here?”
“Please, hun, stay calm, ok?” stroking her back tried to pull her away from the bed but broke away from him.
“Are you fucking kidding me, ?” she screeched, pushing his arm aside.
“Honey!” a small haired man entered the room. He was completely out of breath, carrying a little boy on his arm. “Please stay calm! Everything is gonna be fine!”
“Fine???” she yelled at him, pointing at the bed. “Then why’s my best friend just sitting here without noticing who the fucking hell I am?”
The man had covered the little boy's ears with his hands when the woman had started yelling at him but the toddler let out a cry. “Mooooommyyyyy!” his piercing shriek resounded from the white walls and his father handed the boy over to . “For Christ’s sake, take Jacob outside! Honey!! Please keep your temper!” he tried to grab her arm.
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you fucking dare touching me, !” she hissed, pushing his hand aside forcefully. “Fuck off! God damn it! ! What the hell is going on with you?!”
“!” still the haired guy tried to get hold of the woman, now stomping with her foot. “For God’s sake, get a grip!”
“Fucking Lord, have mercy! Get the hell off me, ! I swear to God! Sod off!” she pushed him again.
“! Look at me!” he demanded, grabbing her shoulders. “For Christ’s sake, pull yourself together! Stop being hysterical!”
“I-am-NOT-hysterical!” she shrilled, putting her hands on her mouth. “Jesus, I am hysterical.” She gasped, sucking in a deep breath. “But , you...” grabbing the man’s arm she collapsed onto the floor.
Dr. Murphy pressed the alarm button on the head side of the bed and jumped up. “Put her head down!” she demanded, grabbing the woman’s legs to lift them up. “We need a stretcher and oxygen here!” she waved at the nurse that came running into the room. “Get Dr. Carter or Dr. Connors on the phone and call someone from the gynaecology!”
“It’s gonna be ok, babe!” whispered, holding his wife that shivered with shock, completely overstrained with the whole situation.
“Is this... ?” she managed to whisper after a few seconds. “The girl you... you told me about?”
He nodded. “She has been your best friend for more than ten years now, hun.”
“God, I’m so sorry! Is she alright?” sobbing lifted her gaze to look at the woman, lying on a stretcher, her huge belly rising and falling under her heavy breathing.
“Enough tumult for today.” Dr Carter had entered the room with two other doctors that quickly took care of . “Please give Mrs. a break.” He nodded at his colleagues. They lifted up and put her down on a bed that had been brought by a nurse.
“Wait!” heard her own voice out of a sudden and waved at the doctors. “Please...”
They exchanged a gaze with Dr. Carter and pushed the bed with in it closer to her friend. Wiping her tears away took ’s hand in hers. “I’m so sorry!” she whispered, glad to see that opened her eyes for a moment.
“It’s fine, babes.” She whispered under the oxygen mask and closed her eyes again.

It took half an hour and a high dosage of sedatives to calm down.
Dr. Carter stood in the doorway of her room, patting ’s back. “She’s gonna be ok.” He reassured the young man. “Would you please follow me to the conference room for a moment? I have set up a meeting with two of our neurosurgeons.” He put his hand on ’s shoulder. “We cannot give you a guarantee, but maybe it is for the best if your wife...well,” he smiled encouraging. “There is a new technique, maybe it could help your wife to recover faster.”
gritted his teeth, looking up at the doctor. “Dr. Carter, I really appreciate what you have done so far but... no. I do not want anyone to operate her right now.” He shook his head. “She’s barely awake and I want her to recover first. As soon as I can I wanna take her home and take care of her.” Again he shook his head. “We don’t need surgery right now. If her status is not changing within a few months I might consider it but for now...” he looked down on his feet. “I want her back.” He whispered still shaking his head from one side to the other. “But I don’t wanna force her.”
“As a husband I totally understand your position, Mr. . But she needs to be monitored and I need you to report any kind of change in her behaviour. You would have to come back for checkups frequently to make sure that everything is alright with your wife. As a doctor I can only give you one advice: never take your eyes off her.” He looked back at the sleeping woman. “Are you sure that you can render this service?”
shrugged his shoulders. “I will have to.” He simply said and nodded at the doctor. “Dr. Carter.” With that he went back into his wife’s room, sitting down by her side.

didn’t sleep long. In the late afternoon she woke up from soft whispering of many voices around her and opened her eyes. was sitting on the bed, holding her hand. and Bryan were standing by the window, talking silently and even had been brought back and sat in an armchair next to ’s bed.
“Hey!” tried to smile. “Are you alright?”
returned her smile and leaned forward to touch her cheek. “I’m fine, babes. Was just a bit too much for me.”
nodded, not sure what to say.
“Is there anything you remember?” asked carefully. “’bout me? ‘bout us?”
“ has told me about you, but I... I’m so sorry , I can’t remember anything! Everything I know and remember finds its end at the age of 18, that’s it. The last ten years... they are just missing!” with a helpless gesture she raised her hands. “I’m sorry!”
“Don’t be.” got up and smiled. “Your memories will return.” Sitting down next to her friend she patted her hand. “Otherwise I will make them!!”
chuckled and felt crossing his fingers with hers. “Are you hungry, dear? We were thinking of getting some food from this new Italian delivery. You wanna order something too?”
“I’m not that hungry...”
“Maybe we could share something! How ‘bout Lasagne?” suggested and gently massaged her belly. “Not much space left beside my little girl here.” She smiled and nudged with her elbow. “Come on, luv! The food’s delicious!”
“Maybe you should consider asking one of the doctors about it first!” remarked. “She’s been on some kind of enteral and parenteral nutrition for the last weeks, so maybe she won’t tolerate food just yet! I'll go ask.” He made his way to the door, checking on his son, sleeping on the spare bed next to ’s before he went outside to find one of the nurses.
had been right after all, but the nurse allowed to have some soup.
It was almost eight o’clock when Bryan got up. “Come on, mate.” He put his hand on ’s shoulder. “I'll take you home.”
tried to object but Bryan waved his words aside. “You definitely need a shower and some new clothes and stuff. Come on. If you hurry you can be back within one hour!!”
Tentatively got up from his wife’s bed. “Very well then.” He squeezed her hand. “I’ll be back ok? You want me to bring along something from home?”
was about to laugh. How was she to know? What was this home like? Where was it? She took a deep breath. Then she nodded. “Can you get me some comfortable pj’s and clothes? Socks, underwear and stuff?”
“Sure.” He bent down to kiss her cheek. “I’ll be right back, ok?”
She nodded and let Bryan give her a hug before the two men left the room. got up as well, stepping behind his wife. “Babe, I think I’m gonna take Jacob home, maybe he can sleep over at my parents place tonight.” he kissed her cheek and turned over to the little boy. “Come along, sweety.” He picked up the sleeping toddler and carried him outside, waving at the two women. “Enjoy your time, girls! I’ll be back at ten to pick you up, ok, hun?”
nodded and waved her two men goodbye. Then she turned over to . “So what are we gonna do now.” She smiled. “Wait, I got an idea!” getting up from her armchair she walked over to the bathroom. “I so love these old hospitals!” with a huge grin she pointed ahead. “They still have bathtubs.” Still grinning walked over to the door. “Just wait for a sec, I’m gonna arrange a bubble bath for you!” Only a few minutes later she came back, followed by a nurse pushing a wheelchair.
“Come on, babes!” smiled. “We'll get you down to this plasterer-guy to remove this hard plaster from your shoulder, then you can have a nice warm bath.” Pulling the blanket aside helped the nurse to get her surprised friend into the wheelchair.
“! Wait!” grabbed her hand. “It is quarter past eight! Who’s gonna be there to remove this thing? And moreover: Isn’t it a bit too early to get it off?” she cupped her hand around the white cement.
“First: We just called Dr. Carter and he said it’s fine. Marian here’s gonna put a bandage on your arm as soon as we are finished. And second: You are a celebritie’s wife for Christ’s sake! Of course there is somebody to get this off you at anytime, day or night!” she laughed. “I’m not playing this celebrity-card often but right now it is exactly what is required.”
Only half an hour later sat in the bathtub. had somehow managed to arrange some bath additives and a scrubber and now washed her friends back to get rid of the residues of the cement. “You so need to see your coiffeur, babes!”
laughed and leaned back. “I think that I might need an extreme makeover!”
“You'll have it! As soon as you get out of here I will arrange everything!” when she put her hand down into the water to wash it, took it in hers. “Thank you for being there for me, !”
“You are more than welcome, babes!” squeezed her hand carefully. “I have missed you so much, dear!” she became quiet for a moment and looked down at her friend. “I was so scared that I might have lost you! God!” she swallowed hard. “What would I do without you?” there were tears in her eyes but quickly wiped them away. “Damn it! This damn pregnancy gets my hormones wild. I have been whiny for months now!!” she tried to smile and turned her wrist to show her friend the bottom side of her hand. “Remember this?” she ran her fingers over her arm. gave it a close look. There was a small tattoo on her friend’s wrist.
“Anam Cara?” she read with some effort and nodded and took ’s hand to turn it upside down. “We had them made together.” She ran her index finger over the baroque and squiggly font on her friend’s wrist and smiled down at her. “We all have it.”
“What does it mean?” raised her arm to have a closer look.
“Anam Cara is the Celtic word for soul mate. It was ’s idea. He convinced us to get a tattoo on one of our last days in Scotland.” smiled. “We were mulling over it for hours, considering something like the first letters of our names or something, but imagine how stupid that would have looked like! Then out of a sudden grinned and said ‘Anam Cara’ and we all were in immediately.” She tied her hair back. “Well, participating is everything, hum?” again she laughed. “God, we were so young!” sighing she sat down on the bathroom rug. “We had the two weeks of our lives with those guys!”
“ has started to tell me about it.” put water in her face, rubbing her cheeks. “So you have been with ever since?”
nodded. “Once and for all!” she laughed. “God, I’m still so sorry for you guys! and I, we were so obtrusive!! Always making out, never able to keep our hands off each other! was missing his girlfriend so much and I remember that Bryan and had a little fight over you at the very beginning of the vacation.”
“ and Bryan?” sat up. “They were fighting over me? has told me about the fight they had when we met for the first time. The broken nose.” She grinned. “By the way, I did a good job, right? His nose looks quite good!”
nodded. “It does.” She agreed and stretched out her legs with a little sigh. “Come on, let’s get this nurse to help us bringing you back to bed.” Twinkling she got up again. “Then I can tell you something about your wild youth.”
laughed shyly. “I never pursued a two-fold strategy! That’s so not me!!”
“We will see.” twinkled again. “Damn it, it’s fun to have the power of knowledge!!” giggling she helped her friend wrapping herself into a towel. The nurse was quick to finish the new bandage and sank into her bed with a sigh. “Having a bath can be exhausting!” she murmured and closed her eyes. laughed and sat down next to her. “So d’you still wanna hear the story?”
“Of course!” lifted her blanket. “Have a seat and get comfortable.”
“Alright then.” crawled onto the bed and stretched out her long legs. “So told you about the karaoke-night in this small pub in downtown Inverness, right?” when her friend nodded she continued. “Well, the night was long and we have been drinking like hell!”
“Sounds a lot like me!” smiling repositioned herself on her pillow. “You and I were singing, right?”
laughed and nodded. “Janis Joplin on the table! We got kicked out of the pub at about one because they wanted to close finally, but we were still too hyper to go back to the hostel, so we went for a walk.”

Chapter 06

Flashback,
May 1999, Inverness

“So what are we gonna do now?” excitedly jumped around, swaying ’s hand. “I can’t sleep now! It’s only short after midnight!”
“It’s one in the morning you little nag!” shook his head and smiled. “This part of the town is completely empty. It’s almost a ghost town! See?” rotating around his own axis he spread his arms. “No lights! Everybody’s asleep!”
Out of a sudden Bryan grinned and pointed ahead. “See that? They have a public pool. Anyone up for swimming?”
“The sign says two miles, don’t you think that’s a bit far?” yawned. “I’d rather go to bed instead!”
Bryan groaned. “Mama’s boy’s back.” He shook his head. “D’you wanna play chicken and go home or d’you wanna have some fun, you sissy?”
narrowed his eyes. “I’ll join you to kick your ass, McFadden! Then we can see who’s the bigger sissy!” grabbing ’s hand he started walking.

“How the hell are we supposed to get inside?” whispered, although the swimming bath was a bit outside of the town, on the border of a forest.
“Never broke into a public pool, you swot?” Bryan grinned, gasping in surprise, when she hit him with her elbow.
“I did, but it didn’t have a real fence!” she pointed up at the top of metal railing more than half a meter over her head.
“What’s the point?” Bryan laughed and started to follow the fence to the entrance, circling the swimming bath. “We either jump over this turnstile-thing at the entrance or I can lift you gals up.”
The entrance was secured with a gate so Bryan stepped back and looked up at the top edge of the fence. “Come on, let’s do this!” he beckoned over giving her a leg up. She scrambled up quite deftly and jumped down into the grass on the other side. Bryan grinned with his cigarette still in his mouth. “Break on through to the other side.” He sang and waved at . “Come on, lads, let’s go!” after helping and he turned to . “Come on, let me grab you, beautiful!” smirking he wrapped his hands around her waist but grabbed her hand. “I can do this, thanks Bry!” he stated, pulling a little closer.
“Well, you could, , but I wanna!” with his hand on her bottom Bryan got down on one knee. “Mylady, let me put yer perfect arse up that fence.”
Filled with indignation sucked in a deep breath. “Get yer hands off me girl's butt.” He said warningly, pulling away from Bryan.
“Yer gal?” Bryan raised his eyebrow. “Fixing yer nose doesn’t make her yer girl, mate! Looks like ya just got some competition here.”
“Stop!” got between them when clenched his fist. “Stop it right now! We wanna have fun, right? And we wanna be friends so stop this bullshit and help me up that fence, ok?” she glared at both of them. “Damn it!” She grinned. “I’ve never been in such a great demand before! Although I assume that this is only because off the flood of hormones, caused by and , constantly nibbling each other somehow!” she threw a wry glance at and that were holding each other closely. “Come on, now, somebody help me up!!”
This time reacted quickly and folded his hands for her to put her foot inside. She was fast to climb over and jumped down again, raising her thumb with a grin.
“Come on, dickhead.” Now Bryan folded his hands. “Let me get you up there too.”
“Thanks a lot, but I can manage myself.” got up on his tiptoes, trying to reach the fence.
“Stop being stubborn, dwarf.” Bryan threw his cigarette away, beckoning over. “Man, you can’t even reach it properly!”
After a few unsuccessful attempts to pull himself up, turned around, sighing in annoyance. “Then help me up you big bugger!” he hissed at his band mate, grabbing the cold metal when Bryan lifted him up. In one smooth movement the bigger blonde followed him right after.
Together they ran over a huge meadow quickly passing a group of trees. “Wait!” pulled his shirt over his head. “Let’s take all our clothes and put them somewhere near the fence.” Tossing down his jeans he pointed back at the hedge they had just climbed over. “If we get caught we already know where to run to and have all our stuff together to grab it and run.” Grinning he put his shoes on the pile of clothes. “Am I good? I am good!” still grinning he took in his arms and kissed her while he pulled down the straps of her top.
“First intelligent thing I heard from you today.” teased and took of his t-shirt.
Bryan did the same and cleared his throat. “Mate, do we need to watch you putting your tongue down her throat all night long?”
With a sigh turned around. “No you don’t, you jerk! Just watch something else instead!”
had blushed a little and lowered her gaze. Then she looked up again, whispering something into ’s ear before she patted his naked chest and went over to . “Sorry, babes.” She murmured a little contrite. “And sorry guys, we’ll try to keep it a little lower, ok?” grinning she jabbed into his ribs. “Come on, who’s in the water first wins!”
Of course took the challenge and Bryan followed them, grabbing , that had as well stripped down to her slip and bra, by the hand, completely ignoring ’s annoyed harrumph. When they reached the pool he let go of her hand, sliding his arm around her waist instead, pulling her with him when he jumped into the cold water.
Screaming in complete shock came back up to the water surface, wrapping her arms around Bryan’s neck. “Holy Christ!” she whispered, gasping for air. “You son of a...” when she looked at him, her face still burning with fury and complete disbelief, he couldn’t help giggling. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart!” he ran his fingers through her hair, removing a few strands from her face. “Goodness, you are even more beautiful when you are angry!! How can I manage to make you boil from anger all day long?” again he slid his arms around her, holding her close with a big grin on his lips. He wanted to say more but she pushed him away and laughed. “You are definitely on the best way, dear!” quickly she turned around, swimming to the edge of the pool where was standing.
She couldn’t read and interpret ’s facial expression properly but it was obvious that he was really annoyed by his friend's attempt in getting closer to her. “Hey!” she smiled at him, pulling herself out of the water. “You should be careful with your nose.” Getting back on her feet she touched the bandage. “Does it still hurt?” he shook his head, taking her hands in his. “Just a little scared to ruin what you rebuilt and maybe go through the same shit again.” He tried a small grin and shrugged his shoulders. “Well, I won’t be playing too much tonight, hum?” with a nod he pointed into the water, where just got comfortable on her boyfriend's shoulders to fight , that sat on Bryan’s.
“I’m afraid you might be right.” Again she looked at him, softly caressing his nose with the back of her index finger. “But you know what?” she grabbed his hand with a smile. “They must have a children’s-pool. Why don’t we go there and just sit in the water for a while and have a chat?”
“Sounds good to me.” He followed her a little surprised. Did she only try to be nice because he couldn’t join the others in the big pool and she felt sorry for him? “As long as you don’t get bored...?” he added, crossing his fingers with hers. She turned her head a little and laughed. “Don’t worry about that!”
Sitting down in the kid’s pool sighed. “God, this is so much warmer than the other one!!” quickly she lay down. followed a little hesitantly. “Well, to me the baby-pee is still quite chilly!” looking down at her he frowned, making her giggle. “Now you ARE Mummy’s little darling!”
He kicked her playfully and laughed. “I AM not!” sucking in a breathe he slid down into the water, stretching out his legs. “See? All grown up and strong as John Rambo!”
Again giggled, moving a little closer. Silently they just lay there, looking up into the clouded sky to find stars.
“What’s on your mind?” asked out of a sudden, making laugh in surprise.
“I’ve never been asked this question by a man actually!”
“And I have never actually asked a woman to be honest.” He laughed with her and turned around to lay on his front, shifting his weight to his elbows. “So what’s on your mind, hum?”
She changed her position as well, grinning at him. “A lot, dear. There’s always a lot on a woman’s mind, you know?”
“At no time!” he laughed again. “So tell me.”
“You know this, when... I mean, you start thinking about something and then... one thing just leads to another and out of a sudden you are planning the following ten years?”
“I know what you mean. Happens a lot to me these days. I mean, if we manage to make it big in Europe, we would be travelling a lot.” He smiled at her. “There are so many countries I want to see and... well, I hope that we will make it in so I will be able to see you from time to time!”
“Well,” she returned his smile. “I was having the same idea. The travelling, you know? I still have no idea what to do when I have graduated from highschool, so... well, I wish I could travel for some time, do some placements, a few internships abroad, you know? But... well, it’s hard, I still have no idea for a main subject to study. I really wanna go into medicine, but it’s quite hard in these days, the standards are really high and it is hard to get a place for it. So,” she shrugged. “Still no idea and a lot of female thinking to do.”
Laughing he nudged her with his elbow. “Well I can’t help you to solve your study-problem, but you can come and join us on tour whenever you feel like it. Nights on a tour bus are quite lonely!” he raised his eyebrow gasping in surprise when she hit him with her small fist.
“Maybe I will take the chance one day.” She got up on her knees, looking down at him with a smile on her lips. “Private groupie, hum?”
Laughing he got up as well, putting his hands forth to help her up. “Come on, sweetheart, wanna have some fun with the rest of the lads?”
“Sure.”
“I’m gonna try to find ’s camera and take the pictures of evidence of my private groupie then.” He winked at her.

End of flashback
September 2009, Sligo General Hospital, Ireland

“Hey honey!” softly kissed ’s forehead, sitting down at her bed. “Did you have a nice chat?”
stretched her back and got up. “Trust me, we had.” She smiled at her friend. “A quite small but nice one.” Kissing her friends cheek she got up. “Sleep well, babes, I’ll see you tomorrow, ok? ’s waiting for me outside. He didn’t find a parking place.” She gave a hug. “Take good care of her, ok?”
He smiled. “Sure I will. Sleep well, ok?”
When she had left the room he turned back at his wife. “So how are you?”
“Better actually. See?” She pointed at her shoulder. “The nurse was here and she left some pills for me to take for the night. Can you get me some water?”
It was a strange situation and the first time for her to be completely alone with him. “Don’t you wanna have a comfortable night at home?” she asked carefully when he returned with a bottle of water and some juice. “I mean, you... you have spent quite a long time in here and... well, it’s not too restful and snugly for you, is it?”
“Well,” he sat down on her bed again and took off his shoes. “I remember promising you something about ‘for good and for bad’.” Smiling he put his arm around her. “A small bed to share is only a small bad, don’t you think?” he kissed her cheek. “Try to sleep, ok? If you want I can also sleep on the chair again. Unfortunately they removed the spare bed Jacob was sleeping on before. Just let me know, ok?”
She nodded and pulled the blanket up a little. “I will. Good night, .”
“Good night, luv.”
closed her eyes, trying to cope with the insecurity and the suddenly uprising timidity. So many people had tried to tell her something about her life by now and although he had been nothing but lovely and wonderful she still felt strange in the presence of this man. He was nice, kind, very watchful. He tried his best to help her and she had to try to gain or better regain her trust in him. Opening her left eye just a slit she watched him for a moment, waiting for her mind to bring up memories, at least a little something of the afterglow and he had told her about. But nothing happened. She felt gutted, turning her head in frustration. There was nothing. As much as she wished to remember something that made her lose her fear and insecurity, nothing happened...

Chapter 07

“What the hell are you doing to me, kid?” her father’s voice woke her up from her light sleep somewhere during the next day. had been sitting in a chair, reading a book and got up with a jump when her parents entered the room.
“Andi!” he hugged her father and pulled her mother into a long embrace. “I’m so glad you’re here!”
Her mother patted his cheek. “Of course we are, dear! We came as soon as we could manage!” her English was still poor but from the way she tried realised that was very important for both of them.
“!” Jasmin hugged her daughter very carefully. “Thank god, you are awake!”
“Thank god, you are here!” felt tears burning in her eyes, when her father sat down on the bed and hugged her.
“How are you now, dear?” he took her hand and caressed her cheek.
“I’m fine actually! It’s just... I... it seems that I have lost some of my memories.” She swallowed hard. “The last ten years they... they are just erased from my brain, I don’t know how to get them back.” She looked at and sniffled. “Everything is gone.”
“Shshshsh!” her mother pulled her a little closer. “Relax, honey! Everything is gonna be fine, ok?”
got up and cleared his throat. He was pale. “Does anyone want something to drink?” he asked in a hoarse voice. ’s father got up. “I’m coming with you, boy, let’s go.” He patted his son in law’s back and threw a little smile at his wife. “We’ll be back in a few, ok?”
When he had closed the door Jasmin turned back at her daughter. “God, I’m so glad that you are alive, dear!” again she hugged her with tears in her eyes. “We were so scared that we would never talk to you again!!”
held her mother as tight as she could. “When I woke up, I... I was so scared, mom! I was so scared and... all these people... I... I had no idea who they were and ... he...”
“You don’t even remember your English boy?” her mother tried to joke and wiped a few tears from ’s cheeks.
shook her head and forced a little smile. “My what?”
“Your English boy, dear!” her mother blew her nose with a loud noise. “We used to call him that when you came back from Scotland and he started calling you.”
“So he called me right after I came back?” sat up a bit and tried to rearrange her pillow.
“He did!” her mother helped her sitting properly. “He and this other guy, Bryan. You have been talking for hours, their parents must have hated them for the telephone bills.” She chuckled. “Well, we hated you sometimes, but at least you tried and sneaked down into your father’s office in the middle of the night to talk because it was cheaper.” Again she blew her nose and put her hair back.
“Since when are you blonde, Mama?” carefully took a strand of her mother’s hair between her fingers, making her mother chuckle again.
“Well, since my hair is even greyer than your fathers and I was fed up with embrowning it every few weeks to hide it!”
“Andi’s completely grey by now, you’re right. God, I’m missing so many years!”
“You don’t!” her mother waved her comment aside. “You just need to remember a few things!!”
“So what happened when I came back from Scotland?” curiously pushed her blanket down a bit.
“Well, your father got crazy because you came back with a tattoo and obviously a little crush on this English boy.” Jasmin smiled and leaned back. “And then one day this English boy was standing in the doorway with a bunch of flowers and a scarlet face, trying his best to get to see you.”

Flashback
August 1999,

“Yes?” ’s father was standing in the doorway, forcing the young man down a few stairs with his appearance. He was tall, a dark beard covering his chin and cheeks, grey eyes staring down at the visitor.
“Hello, my name is , I... I am here to ask...” tried his best speaking . “I am asking for your daughter.” He felt his cheeks blush even more, knowing exactly that he was about to make a complete fool out of himself. A little unassertive he raised the bouquet. “These are... your wife, I ... can I talk to please?” his was poor and he was really afraid of ’s father that still stood there with the same facial expression. Repudiation. “Who are you again? And what do you want from her?”
felt sweat covering his forehead and soaking his shirt. He didn’t even understand the man properly, trying his best not to turn around run away instantly. “ is a friend of mine.” He tried in English. “My name is .” He dared putting his hand forth that was covered with sweat as well, trying to wipe it at his trouser leg first.
“Who’s there?” he heard a voice from inside and a woman showed up at the door. She cocked her head. “Hey there.” With a smile she took the hand he had already offered to her husband. “Are you here to see ?”
He nodded quickly, trying to return her smile. The man said something in , it sounded harsh but the woman shook her head. “Come in!” she pointed inside, making way for him to come in. ’s father still stood in the doorway like a rock, folding his arms. He was at the least one foot taller than and looked down at him with an unpleasant look on his face. After a few brief moments he stepped back inside, allowing to follow him.
“!” he yelled and added a few words.
She was outside in the backyard and felt his heart skipping a few beats when she got up from her chair and rushed through the trees and bushes, her dark blue summer dress flittering in the wind. “!” open mouthed she remained on the terrace, rooted to the spot for a second. Then a huge smile spread over her face and she ran to him, giving him a tight hug. “I can’t believe you are here!”
“I... I wanted to see you.” He simply said, hugging her back.
“And you brought me flowers?” she pointed at the bouquet he was still holding in his hand.
He shook his head. “These are for your mother actually.” Shyly he turned around to offer the flowers to her mother. “I... I glad... nice to meet you.” He smattered in again, making her mother laugh. “That is so kind of you, young man!” she took the flowers from him, making her way to the kitchen to find a vase.
turned back at , his heart still beating in his chest. “This one,” he pulled a small rose out of the back pocket of his jeans. “This is for you.”
blushed a little. “Wow. I had no idea that you had a romantic side!” still blushing she nudged him with her elbow, spreading her arms to hug him with a big smile. “Damn it, I’ve missed you!”
“Same here, luv!” he kissed her cheek and smiled.
Her father was still standing behind them, keeping a jealous watch over her. When caught his gaze she stepped back, turning around. “Papa, this is my friend .” She introduced properly, adding a few words. Again raised his hand to shake hands with her father. Surprised he felt the older man turning his arm a little to have a look at his wrist. “So, you are one of the garbled fraction as well, hum?” gimlet-eyed he stared down at . The young man felt the palms of his hands getting sweaty again and realised in surprise, that tightened her grip on his fingers as if she wanted to encourage him. “Mama, I want you to meet , he’s my friend from the trip to Scotland.” Never letting go of his left hand she pushed a little closer to her mother. Well behaved he shook hands with her again. “It is very nice to meet you.”
“Well, finally, English boy!” her mother laughed. “Welcome to our house. Sorry, we do not speak English, but maybe can translate it for you, ok? Why don’t you stay for dinner?”
squeezed his fingers. “She’s pleased and she wants you to stay over for dinner.”
“Well, if it doesn’t bother you...?” waved his comment aside. “No way! Come with me, I need to take the neighbour’s dog for a walk, you wanna join?”
nodded a little disburdened. “Sure I will!” he smiled at her mother. “Thank you for the invitation.”
“What did he say?” ’s mother whispered in her daughter’s direction.
giggled. “He accepted, Mama. Politely. Is it ok when we go and take Billie for a walk now?”
Her parents exchanged a gaze. “Well, if you promise to be back at seven...” her mother looked at her closely. “Don’t you wanna give him some old clothes? He’s a bit overdressed for a walk with a dog!” smiling she let her gaze travel over in his white shirt, ironed accurately and his light blue jeans. Even his black shoes were suitably matching his appearance and he had obviously spent time to figure out this outfit to look as good as possible for them and... for . Although he was trying hard to suppress his feelings ’s mother saw the sparkle in his eyes and the huge smile that spread all over his face when he looked at again. “Get some of your brother’s old stuff for him, ok? And be back at seven for dinner, will you?”
“Sure we will, Mama!” pulled with her. “Come on, I’ll give you some old clothes from one of my brothers.”
He followed her inside, feeling a little eased to escape from her father. “Your dad hates me, hum?” entering the stairs leading upstairs turned around a little. “He might.” She admitted and smiled a little apologetically. “I’m sorry, ! It is just...”
“I know, babes.” He rubbed her arm and quickly kissed her cheek. “He needs time to get used to... well, a guy by your side even if...” he smiled at her, leaving the rest of his sentence hanging in the air. “It’s fine.” Carefully he brushed his hand through her hair. “Damn it, I really missed you!” he said after a short pause with a grin. “I really did.”
“Me too.” returned his smile and pointed ahead. “Come on, Fabian is in his room, we can go and ask him for some old jeans and stuff.”
nodded, following her up to the second floor. There was music in one of the rooms and knocked, yelling something in . A few moments later the music was turned down and a key was turned before the door was opened. Again was taken by surprise. was quite small as well as her mother but the male part of the family seemed to grow as if they wanted to reach the ceiling. “What?” the boy looked down at the two of them, putting his long hair behind his ears.
“Fabian, this is my friend , we need to get some clothes for him because we wanted to go for a walk with Billie.”
Her brother’s gaze travelled over and he couldn’t help grinning a little. “Well, come on in.” he opened the door completely to let them in. Clearing his throat he went over to his closet and grabbed a t-shirt. “Well,” still grinning he turned around again. “The shirt’s gonna fit but what about pants?” he unfolded one of his jeans, smirking at his sister. “Your friend is really small!” he whispered in and giggled. “No, I mean it! He’s tiny! Like a doll! Since when are you Barby, trying to find your personal Ken, hum? Your very tiny Ken.” Again he laughed, stepping back quickly when tried to hit him. “We can still turn up the bottoms, you nag!!” when she slapped him again he threw the jeans at her with a chuckle. “Then have fun turning up the bottoms for tiny Ken over here!”
“Aren’t you supposed to do some homework?” she hissed, glaring at him with blushing cheeks.
“Aren’t you supposed to stop annoying me?” grinning he nudged her with his fist. “Nevermind, dwarfy, ok? Have fun, ok?”
Out of a sudden the telephone rang. “I get it!” Fabian stepped back and grabbed the phone from his desk. “Dwarfy hotline, giant speaking…. Oh hey! Sure, dwarfy’s here, wait a sec.” he turned back at his sister and handed the phone over to her. “It’s tiny Ken’s friend.”
took the phone from his hands and slapped him slightly. “Bry? Is that you?”
“Yep, it’s me.” He laughed. “I like your little brother! He’s really funny! So what’s up? What’s new?”
“Nothing actually.” sat down on her brother’s bed. “ just popped by to visit me and we are going out for a walk with the dog now.”
“Sounds like I’m stuck on second as usual, hum?” again Bryan laughed. “Will I see you the day after tomorrow? You’re coming to the concert right? I mean, we are playing in your hometown, so you are definitely out of excuses!”
“Well, I need to ask my parents, maybe they let me…”
“You haven’t told them yet, have you? ! This band is our life! There’s no chance that we are gonna stop tomorrow and become doctors or lawyers to please your parents, girl!!”
“I know!” scratched her nose. “They are just… well, they are always so scared when it comes to me and friends and I… I don’t think that they would want me to hang out with you guys.”
“But what if we meet them before? Maybe they like us. Especially me!” he made her laugh but he knew that she was really scared to tell her parents about her new friends being members of a boygroup. Most probably she was right now twisting her hair around her index finger the way she used to do it when she was nervous. That was why he continued. “You know that won this trip to Ireland for the next summer, hun. And if you wanna be the one to join her you should start letting your parents know who we are and that we are nice! Otherwise they won’t let you go and maybe you will have to face some huge fights! So please, baby girl, tell them!”
sighed. “I will try!” she promised, fiddling her brother’s jeans between her fingers. While the two of them kept on chatting for a bit, Fabian waved over to the window and crossed his arms. “So.” He looked down at the small . “So you are the new one, hum?”
swallowed nervously. Then he shook his head. “No, we… we are just friends… she…”
“Bullshit!” Fabian interrupted the smaller man’s stuttering rudely and clenched his fist. “I’m only 17 but I’m not stupid! I can see that look on her face and I can clearly see the way you are looking at her!” he glared at . “If you ever, EVER hurt her in any way, I’ll be there to tore you into pieces, alright, Kenny boy? Just remember, you hurt her, I hurt you, understand?”
Again swallowed and nodded. This felt a lot more Italian than . ‘She’s my sister, capice? If you hurt her I will kill you and make it look like an accident!’ But her brother was definitely serious and his fists and strong arms definitely looked as if they could cause a lot of harm.
“Come on, let’s go.” handed the phone over to her brother and touched ’s arm. “Billie’s waiting.”
swallowed, his eyes still locked with her brother’s. Then he nodded. “Thanks for… the clothes.” He tried to smile and turned around to follow his friend outside.
“You can go to my room and get dressed, I need to pee anyway.” She smiled and squeezed his arm. “I’ll meet you downstairs, ok?”

He felt ridiculous in her brother’s jeans and the huge t-shirt. The pants were large but a bit too tight for him and made him feel silly, but when he took the last step and saw , playing with a medium sized dog on the carpet of the corridor, his heart skipped a beat and he forgot about the unyielding pants. She looked so beautiful with her long hair lose and the blue summer dress she wore and he couldn’t help smiling. They had been talking on the phone for the last weeks and he had to admit that he had waited impatiently to finally meet her again.
“You ready?” he asked and bent down to pet Billie, that started to wag immediately, obviously happy to be taken for a walk. Excitedly she barked, rushing to the entrance door.
The whole afternoon was wonderful and he enjoyed the landscape and the time with . From time to time he watched her from the corner of his eye, still asking himself if he would ever pull out the strength to make a step and maybe ask her out properly.
Far too fast it was half past six and they had to return to her parents place. had linked arms with him when they left the forest and walked back. She had been laughing and joking the whole afternoon and he felt the muscles of his stomach hurting already. When they entered her street she let go of his arm and took his hand instead. Smiling she made him stop for a second. “I really missed you!” she admitted out of a sudden and leaned forward on her tiptoes to softly kiss his lips. Completely taken by surprise he just froze for a brief moment. This was exactly the one thing he had been longing for for months now and now that it happened he just turned to stone and stared down at her. She blushed, stepping back immediately. “I’m sorry.” She whispered and turned away. He grabbed her arm. “Please, don’t be!” quickly he took her in his arms again, brushing his lips over hers. When he pulled away he smiled. “I couldn’t wait to do this!” again he kissed her soft lips. “Don’t you ever stop!!”
She chuckled, putting her arms around his neck. “Never?” she teased and chuckled again when he kissed the tip of her nose.
“Never!” his eyes were sparkling when he smiled at her. “Never ever.”

Chapter 08

End of flashback
September 2009, Sligo

“So how are my girls doing?” ’s father re-entered the room, carrying a bottle of water, followed by .
Smiling ’s mother turned around. “We’ve just been talking about the first time came to our house, you remember that day?”
“Goodness, I do!” ’s father rolled his eyes. “I hated that little English boy!!” laughing he patted ’s back. “Sorry, dear, but I really hated you at the beginning! And when you two insisted that I had to meet all the other little nags I could have drowned you in the pond nearby! God! Jasmin, you remember the barbecue? The whole boygroup was around! I wanted to get drunk and run away! God! My kid and the gay rock’n’roll-club!”
giggled. “Papa!” warningly she shook her head. “Why did you hate them so much?”
“Well, honey,” her father sat down on a chair and started to fill a few glasses. “Your youth wasn’t exactly easy, you were on medication because of you last boyfriends and… well, I didn’t want anything male close to you, so why the hell would I want a bunch of young rockstars hanging out with you?” he shook his head and grinned at . “I mean, you guys were polite, you really tried your best but I almost freaked out when you wanted to take the girls to your concert!”
took a glass from him, nodding with a little smile. “Ou yes. I remember. You gave me a hard time! I’m still glad that none of her brothers was ordered to beat me up!” he took a big gulp.
“That thought actually crossed my mind from time to time!” her father laughed. “But I didn’t take you too serious so I just let you call her for months and months and kept hating the letters you wrote. And when the girls insisted to take their trip to Ireland, I let her go.” He raised his eyebrow. “Big mistake, hum?”
“Well,” shrugged with a smile. “I gave her a golden ring after insisting myself for almost six years. If you still consider it a mistake, well,” again he grinned. “I will keep on insisting, so…”
“Oh stop it you two, will you?” ’s mother squeezed her husband's arm. “Why don’t we help her refresh her memories a little? There’s a lot to tell!”
“Like what?” sat up, handing her glass to her mother.
“Well, dear, Julian got married to his school friend Lilian short after you and had your wedding in Ireland. He has two adorable kids by now. Leon is five and Elena just turned three last week. And your little brother, well he also has a baby by now. His girlfriend Britta gave birth to a little girl only a month ago. They named her after you.” Jasmin had tears in her eyes and turned away quickly to hide them.
felt tears building up as well. “They named her after me?” she swallowed hard.
Softly squeezing her hand her father nodded. “After your accident he… he was in complete shock and when Britta gave birth he did not take no for an answer and chose to call his girl . He would never admit it, but he had the hardest time and he was very scared that he might have lost you forever.”
“God!” covered her face with her hands, trying to suppress her sobs. “Are they alright? Is everybody fine?”
Her mother nodded. “Now that we know that you are fine everybody is happy and relieved. Your grandparents are sending hugs and kisses, they miss you a lot!”
“Please tell me more!” begged. “Do you have pictures?”
“Of course we have!” Andi got up from his chair, lifting up a huge bag. “We got everything with us. You wanna see them now?”
“What a stupid question, Papa! Of course!”
They spent the rest of the afternoon watching pictures. could tell from the look on his wife’s face that she had a hard time and that it made her heart sink that she couldn’t remember a thing. He knew that she had been hoping that the pictures could bring back some of her memories. Obviously they didn’t and he saw tears in her eyes when her father closed the last album. He knew the look on her face too well. She was disappointed. Another little straw she had firmly held on to was taken from her. Rubbing her eyes she lay back on the bed. “You mind leaving me alone for a bit?” she whispered, staring at the wall. “I need to rest.”
Her mother swallowed hard. “Sure, dear. , D’you maybe wanna join us for dinner?”
A little unassertive bent over to touch his wife’s arm. “You really want us to leave, babe?”
She nodded, her lips pressed together. “Just leave me alone for a bit, ok?” still she wasn’t looking at him. “Stay at home for the night, get some sleep, ok?”
He didn’t reply, feeling his hands getting cold. “You sure?” he whispered. “I promised you to never leave your side!”
“!” out of a sudden she looked at him, her eyes burning with tears and hardly suppressed anger. “I have no idea what you promised to me! You hear me? I have no fucking idea! So just do yourself a favour and go home to get some sleep instead of sitting in my bed or sleeping in an uncomfortable chair again! Just go!” tears were running down her cheeks, but she pushed his hand away when he tried to wipe them away. “I’m sorry, !” she whispered. “Please leave me alone, ok? Only for a bit! I need to sort this out by myself!”
He was obviously hurt and got up from the bed. Avoiding his gaze turned away.
Her father took ’s arm and whispered something to his son in law, patting his back.
had coiled up in a u-shape, her back turned towards the visitors.
“We’ll be back, hun.” Her mother bent over to kiss her cheek while her husband put his arm around ’s shoulder, leading the pale young man outside. “Come on, boy, let’s go, alright?” carefully he closed the door behind them, grabbing that broke down crying.
“She… she doesn’t… she…” he sobbed on Andi’s shoulder. “God, I will never have her back!” desperately the young man stepped back, trying to gather himself but he couldn’t breathe properly. Slumping down on the floor he buried his face in his hands. “I want our life back! I want her back!” he moved to and fro like a maniac in a little cubicle, repeating his words over and over in a throaty voice. ’s mother got down on her knees next to him, taking him in her arms. “I so wanna tell you that everything is gonna be alright, dear!” she stroked his hair, holding him close. Andi took a deep breath. “Wait here.” He simply said, opening the door of his daughter’s room again. She was still lying in her bed in the same position, her arms wrapped around her body. When he closed the door she lifted her gaze, her eyes red from crying.
He sat down next to her, taking her into his arms. “, dear,” he rubbed her back, whispering words to soothe her. Very careful he pulled her up a little to make her sit on his lap. “Listen to me, little kitten.” He lifted her face by her chin, making her look into his eyes. “Listen to me.” He repeated softly, stroking her cheek. “You have trusted me all your life so you will listen now and trust me one more time, alright?”
She nodded snivelling and tried to pull herself together. “I-will-Papa.” She whispered with a lot of effort and he pulled her closer again. “Ok then.” He kissed her forehead. “Little kitten, I know this is hard for you now and I have no idea how to help you but you need to try to help yourself, ok? You need to fight for your memories and your life, you hear me? Don’t block it out! Fight for you life and fight for your love! I know you sometimes had a hard time with , especially when he was away for so long, but he never stopped fighting for you. He never did. And now you need to return this favour, ok? I know I didn’t like him at the beginning, but he kept on trying so hard to convince me. He fought for you, little kitten. Now you have to fight for him.”
“But Papa, I don’t even know this man!” sobbed. “I’ve never seen him in my life!”
“You have seen him and you have loved him with all your heart!” her father looked deep into her eyes. “I think that he almost had a nervous breakdown a few minutes ago outside on the corridor. He’s desperate and he wants you back.” Carefully he put his hand on his daughter’s cheek again. “Fight for your life, little kitten!” he repeated. “And fight for the one you love. loves you more than anything, at least give him a chance and don’t just block him out of your life, ok?” he helped to lie down again. “We will take him out of the hospital for dinner. Please don’t make me tell him that you don’t want to see him afterwards.”
simply nodded, staring at the ceiling when her father kissed her forehead and got up to leave the room. “Papa?” she cleared her throat. He stopped at the door, turning around to face her. “What is it, little kitten?”
“How come that you care so much about him?” she lifted her head to look into her father's eyes again. Andi tried to smile. “Well, you are my little girl and nobody’s ever good enough for you of course, but was close. He loved you and he made you happy. He simply made you happy, dear. That’s why I wish that you can let him back into your life. I want you to be happy again and I want you to recover.”
nodded slowly. “Please, can you… can you tell him that I’m sorry, Papa?”
“Why don’t you tell him yourself?” Andi put his hand on the doorknob, waiting for his daughter to nod again before he opened the door.
Still Jasmin tried to hold her son in law steady when they entered the room again. ’s eyes were red and there was a deep desperation inside of them. swallowed hard, lifting her hand to touch his arm. “, I… I am sorry.” She whispered, her voice still hoarse from crying. He looked at her and tried to smile. “I know.” He whispered back staring down at the floor.
“,” squeezed her husband’s hand. “Will you come back here after dinner?”
He gazed at her, his eyes widened in surprise. “Of course I will!” a little smile was fighting the sadness on his face when he bent down to kiss her forehead.
“I’m sorry.” She repeated, stroking his cheek. “It is just… It is so hard!” again she felt tears building up in her eyes, feeling his soft lips on hers for a moment. “I know, luv.” Carefully he kissed her again. “I’ll be there for you. No matter how long it takes, I’ll be there.” Resting his forehead on hers he closed his eyes. “I love you.” He whispered and felt her returning his kiss.
Softly she stroked his lips with her thumb. “You know I would be lying if I told you I loved you back.” She whispered with a lot of effort, not wanting to hurt him. He nodded and swallowed hard. “I know, baby girl, I know.” He took a deep breath. “But you loved me once, that’s all I need to know right now.” Putting his hands on her cheeks he kissed her one last time before he got up again. “I’ll be back, luv.” He whispered before he followed her parents to the door, lightly smiling at her again before he closed it.
He returned to the hospital around ten with his own car. He wanted to take ’s parents along but her mother had only smiled a little, shaking her head. “You need time alone, dear.” She had said very simply, taking her bag out of the trunk. “Come on, help me to carry it inside and take off, will you?”
was still touched by how hard his parents in law had tried to improve their English to be able to talk to him properly. Whenever he found the time he tried to watch movies to work on his pronunciation and his vocabulary but he was still moved deeply when he heard Jasmin trying her best for him and his family.
He took the bag from her hands, closing the trunk of his car. “Come on in.” He said in . “I prepared the guestroom for you. Make yourself home, ok?”
She smiled and patted his cheek. “We will, dear! Give her a kiss from me, will you?”
“Sure I will!” he smiled and hugged her goodbye when Andi returned from inside the house, taking his wife’s bag.
“I’ll come back tomorrow morning to pick you up, ok? Or maybe can come for you, I’ll ask him.” gave his father in law a hug and handed a key over to him. “You have the combination for the security system, right? I’m leaving ’s keys with you.”
“No need to stay any longer.” Jasmin smiled and patted ’s back. “Go, dear!”
The way to the hospital wasn’t long but had to try hard not to break the speed limits of the city. Although he felt a lot of fear when he thought about the fact that might never find her way back to him, he felt excitement prickling in his stomach whenever he thought about his wife. Just the thought of her kiss made him smile. She was alive. And that was all that counted. Watching the lights of the town and the dark cloudy autumn sky he sighed. If the worst came to the worst and her amnesia wasn’t only temporary he would have to try to win her heart again. He had won her once, he would try his best to do it again. Still smiling he parked his BMW and rushed over to the night entrance of the hospital. The night nurse waved at him, returning his smile. Most of the staff knew him by now and they had accepted his presence in the hospital at night. It had been a hard fight because he had ignored the rules of the clinic from the very start, fighting with doctors and nurses until they finally let him stay with his wife.
Carefully he opened the door to ’s room. His wife was asleep and he watched her relaxed face when he approached the bed. Her eyes were shut firmly, her soft lips parted a little, making him wanna kiss her immediately. Out of a sudden she opened her eyes, smiling at him. “Hey!” she whispered, clearing her throat. “Did you have a good time?”
He shrugged with a diffident smile on his lips. “They are really trying their best to encourage me. Unfortunately they do not succeed.” Slowly he sat down on the bed. “Not too much bravery found inside of me right now to be honest.” Staring down on his hands he sighed. Surprised he felt her hand in his out of a sudden, softly caressing his palm with her fingertips. With a shy smile she beckoned him over and moved to the other side of the bed. “Come.” She simply said watching him taking off his shoes. “I’ve been thinking.” She started suddenly and touched his arm. “It seems that I have loved you a lot.” She said in a whisper, looking straight into his eyes when he turned around and opened his belt.
“Well,” again he shrugged. “At least you gave me the feeling you did.” Smiling he sat down and pulled her a little closer. “To my mind I’ve always been nothing but loved by you.” He kissed her forehead, feeling her moving closer to him under the duvet.
She slid her leg between his and looked up to him. “Have you ever shared your bed with a total stranger, completely aware of the fact that you have no idea who the hell you are?” she nestled her face to his chest. He laughed lightly. “Well, maybe. But I must have been really drunk!”
She laughed with him, rubbing the back of his neck. “Tell me something more about us!” she begged. “Please!”
“Well,” he pulled her closer and bent down to brush his lips against hers. “You came to visit me in Ireland. That was almost one year after I had been at your place in . We’ve been writing letters to each other, talking on the phone and stuff.” He smiled. “And whenever I was somewhere in I came to visit you. And then you came to Ireland with . It was July the seventh when you arrived. I remember that my parents almost went bananas because I insisted that you would sleep at our house for the whole month.”
“I must have been quite a handful, hum?” played with his thumb, feeling his chest vibrating from his laughter.
“You weren’t babe! You were nice and shy and polite and funny. No, I think it was more because I didn’t want you to sleep in my sister’s room but in mine and, well, also not in a spare bed but in mine, so...” he smiled and cuddled his nose to her temple. “My mother has been praying for my salvation because she didn’t believe that two people in the beginning of their twenties were in love without having sex.”
“We were not having sex yet?” looked at him with surprise. “Wow, you were quite patient!”
“I wasn’t!” he shook his head and chuckled. “Every night you lay there in my arms, always wearing your night gown, kissing me, making out with me... I could have exploded! I think that I spent hours in the bathroom, imagining what else I could do to you if you’d only let me!!”
“That’s what I’d call patience, dear!” giggling snuggled her face closer to his neck. “What happened then? Did we have a good time and finally sleep which each other?”
cleared his throat. “Well,” evasively he coughed. “It’s almost twelve now, don’t you wanna sleep?”
She looked at him and raised her eyebrow. “Why d’you knock off your story so abrupt?”
“I don’t!” he stuttered. “It’s just, I... I thought that you might need some rest!”
“Liar!” she smiled. “I don’t even have to know you to tell that you are a bad liar!”
A little unassertive he laughed. “Well, I’ve always been bad at that actually. That’s why... I mean... we... we...”
“Come on! Spit it out!” nudged him softly. “Can’t be that bad, I mean, we are together and married, right? Everything you told me up to now sounded a lot like a daily soap or something!” she smiled. “So now there was thunder in paradise, hum? Tell me about it!”
“There was actually.” He admitted, pulling her closer in his embrace. “I’ve tried to repress those thoughts for quite some time and I think that you did the same for the last, well, nine years.” Watching her carefully he ran his fingers through her hair. “I mean otherwise it would have been impossible for me to stand on the same stage as McFadden for all those years.” He looked directly into her eyes. “You really wanna know about it? It might be a little depressing, maybe you get angry.”
“Tell me!” she put her hand on his cheek. “I don’t want you to only tell me about the good times we had! Please!”
He felt a little uncomfortable, rearranging the duvet before he pulled his wife closer again. “We... we were about to break up that same summer I just told you about. It was... well, we both made a mistake that almost closed the subject “ and ”. I think it was at the beginning of August, about a week before you and left Ireland.”

Chapter 09

Flashback August 2000,
Sligo, Ireland

“!” with a huge smile on his face Bryan tapped ’s shoulder. She turned around, her movement slowed down by the large amount of alcohol she had consumed. Again. After the birthday party of one of ’s best friends , and had to take off to London. Although they refused to go they had to leave for some unscheduled interviews and recordings.
So here the rest of them still were. Drunk like every night, enjoying the summer house of ’s parents by the sea. There was Ethan, the birthday-kid with his girlfriend Kelly and her sister Jude. had just broken up with the girl he had been dating but from the way he was dancing with and Kerry, the girl that Bryan had brought for the holiday, it seemed that he did not care at all. Also a few of Bryan’s and ’s friends had decided to stay a few more days after the big party, and so the beach was filled with music, dancing people and laughter. They had spent two days there already, drinking and dancing through the nights in the soft sand. A fire keeping them warm whenever the night got dark and cold and a strong breeze hugged the shore of western Ireland.
“What’s it Bry?” emptied her beer, almost falling over with a giggle, keeping herself steady on Bryan's arm.
“I got something for you.” Still smiling he slid his arm around her waist, watching the others dancing down at the beach. “Just get yourself another beer and follow me, ok?” he whispered into her ear, heading back inside the small cabin they had been sharing for the last few days. A little surprised followed him. His huge frame seemed to fill the whole doorway and she saw a smile on his face when she approached. “So what is it, Bry?” again she grabbed his arm to prevent herself from stumbling.
“Just follow me.” He slid his arm around her waist once more and leaded her outside through the sand, leaving the cabin behind. For a few minutes they were just walking and giggling about the loss of balance they both felt already.
“Have a seat!” he suddenly said, slumping down in the sand with a chuckle. He lay down completely to pull something out of the pocket of his short, offering a plastic bag to her. took it from his hand. It looked a lot like some dried fruits and she sat down with a frown. “You’re taking me away from the party to share some dried apples with me?” she raised an eyebrow, making him laugh slightly.
“It’s not apples, stupid!”
“So what is it?” opened the small bag smelling its contents, removing it from her nose with a disgusted sound. “It’s rotten apples or bananas! Urgh! That’s disgusting, Bry!” she threw the bag back at him but he just laughed, opening it again to offer it to her.
“It’s mushrooms, you stupid pet!”
“Mushrooms, you mean mushrooms?” she put her beer aside to grab the bag again.
He nodded with a grin. “Magic mushrooms for a little magic. Have some! I’ve only tried them once before, these are supposed to be very good!”
A little unassertive took a piece out of the bag. It had the shape of one of the dried mushrooms she used to cook with sometimes. Curiously she smelled it again. “What am I supposed to do with it now?”
“Well, just eat it and enjoy!” grinning he took a few for himself, putting them in his mouth.
“But how many?” she watched him chewing.
“Dunno, maybe two or three, just give it a try.” Again he lay down, stretching his legs out. “Try it and then cum ‘ere.” Smiling he opened his arms. hesitated for a second.
“Shouldn’t you bring yer gal here instead of me?” she suggested, carefully chewing on two of the mushrooms. He shook his head no. “I’ve only known her for a bit, this is more to share with people you really know.” Smiling he pulled her closer. “Prevent me from doing stupid things, ok? The last time I had them I went swimming in somebody’s pool in the neighbourhood on my way home. Tonight the chances of drowning are a bit too high so I assume we just stay here and watch the stars, ok? Maybe we can find a new galaxy.”
lay down next to him, resting her head on his arm. Trying to rinse her mouth from the strange taste she took a sip of her beer, offering it to him as well.
For a while they just listened to the waves breaking at the shore, sharing some cigarettes. Then broke the silence. “I read this book recently.” She cleared her throat, shifting her weight to her elbows, still staring up into the clear black sky.
“Which one?” he took another mushroom, putting one into her mouth as well. “You’ve been reading a lot these days.”
Smiling she nodded, chomping on the strange little brown thing. “It was called ‘the five people you meet in heaven’.” Turning her head to face him a little she smiled. “You’d love it! It’s about a man that dies and when he enters heaven it is not the lovely bright place with soft clouds that he imagined but different places. He meets five people there that have changed his life somehow and they all try to explain his life to him. It’s great. One of the best books I ever read.”
“D’you sometimes try to imagine how the afterlife’s gonna be?” he folded his arms behind his head, staring up to the stars. From the corner of his eye he saw her nodding.
“I hope it’s gonna be peaceful.” She rested her head on his elbow. “Like in this movie with Robin Williams. What was it called? Beyond the horizon?”
“Something similar, yep.” He smiled. “So it is bright and beautiful, aye? Not like in Flatliners where there are fears haunting you and stuff like unfinished business to solve?”
“I hope so. There’s a shore for sure. Soft waves. Turquoise. And the softest sand you can imagine. Of course there’s also mountains and the greenest forest you’ve ever seen, full of flowers!” closed her eyes, feeling her mind drifting away from the hallucinogenics of the mushrooms.
“It is like taking pictures with different filters.” She heard Bryan whisper from her left. “There is a blue one for the early mornings, a yellow one for the bright sunlight, in my heaven there’s a lot of sunlight, and there’s also one for the evenings, when the lights start fading away. It’s more orange, maybe even violet in the end. And then if you feel that you need rest or just want to stare up into a dark and strong night full of stars you just click and the night rises from the ocean.”
“We seem to have a similar vision of heaven, hum?” smiled, the intensity of her smile almost hurting her cheeks but she couldn’t stop it.
“I know.” Bryan shoved his fingers into her hair. “And I can see you there, honeyloop. I can clearly see you running over a huge meadow with purple flowers. Your hair’s loose and you wear this beautiful white summer dress you wore yesterday.” He paused for a second, still playing with her hair. “You are definitely one of my five people, waiting for me in the end.” Softy he stroked her cheek.
“But what if you die before me?” she took his hand, holding it on her cheek, enjoying the sensation of his warm palm.
He bent over her a little. “Well then I will be waiting for you, honeyloop. I assume that time will not be an issue in heaven, hum?” smiling he kissed her forehead.
“It’s good to know that somebody’s gonna wait for you, hum? Feels… I don’t know, feels comforting.” She stroked his arm, cuddling a little closer to his warm body.
“It’s comforting for me that you are the one, .” His soft breath caused goosebumps all over her body when he bent down again, resting his lips on her forehead. closed her eyes feeling a gentle prickling in her fingertips when she cupped his face with her hands, running her fingers through his hair. It was so soft, so smooth. Inhaling his scent she felt her head spinning for a split second. It was warm and male and it somehow made her feel home right at this second. Over and over she ran her finger through his hair, softly caressing his neck with her fingertips. Without even realising he let his own fingers run over her lips. They were so soft and full, smiling at him. She was beautiful. Perfect in his eyes. Shoving his fingers into her hair he bent down again, touching her welcoming lips with his. She had always been beautiful in his eyes. Her laughter, her hair, the sunshine in her stunning eyes, sparking like the stars. A low moan escaped his lips when he felt her opening her mouth, allowing his probing tongue to enter.
Everything seemed in watery motion and he wished this moment to never end. He was holding her, feeling her pulling him closer, her tongue fighting with his, the sweetest fight possible. Putting his hand to the back of her neck he deepened the kiss, feeling all his blood rushing south when he heard her moan, pulling him closer. He had longed for her from the first moment he had laid eyes on her. Feeling her returning his kiss now made him forget about everything. It was almost as if all the higher functions of his brain were switched off instantly. Nothing mattered. Only her. Her lips. Her kiss. He wanted her so badly. He wanted to touch her, feel her, taste her. Right at this moment he wanted the world to stop turning. He wanted to push her dress up and lie down on top of her, sinking down into her warm centre, filling her out completely, making her nothing but his.
Her fingers pulled up his shirt and he felt her hands running over his chest, playing with his chesthair. Still her hot tongue battled his so sweetly and she didn’t refuse him when he bent over to lie on top of her, pulling up her dress a little. His hard-on was pressed to her thigh and he sucked in a breath when he felt her touching him.
Right at this moment there was nothing on earth but them. Their minds drifted away and their bodies were only burning for one another in the cold sand. Bryan pulled down one of the straps of ’s dress, bending down to kiss his way over her collarbone, his hand cupping her right breast, gently massaging it before he caressed the tip of her nipple with his tongue. He felt her arching her back in response, running her hands over his naked back. She was his. Right at this moment she was his and nothing else mattered. He didn’t even think about the girl that was supposed to be his girlfriend. When the thought about crossed his mind he shoved it away quickly, burying his face between ’s silky breasts. His hand found his way under her dress again and a low groan escaped his lips when he ran his fingertips up her thigh and touched her dripping wet panties, covering her obvious desire. She let out a moan when he slipped his finger inside the wet fabric, touching her centre. He knew that she was more than ready to accept him and kept caressing her gently while he opened his belt and tossed off his shorts and boxers in one go. Bending down again he pushed her dress over her head and quickly slid down her panties before he lowered his face to softly lick the core of her lust, his hands shivering when he heard her moan again. Completely out of breath he kissed his way over her belly, tugging his tongue into her belly button, making her squirm and moan again. He was totally lost in her kiss, lost in her eyes when he straddled her legs, placing himself on top of her. Sensing her wetness on his throbbing cock drove him mad and the only thought on his mind was his desire to finally thrust inside her wet folds, feeling her walls tighten around his dick. He kissed her deep and passionate and when he looked down at he found her eyes reflecting his own lust and need completely.
The next thing that happened was too much for his intoxicated brain to take. He felt something hitting his left side forcefully. His body was pushed aside and he felt himself rolling over the sand and down the dune. Quickly he tried to get back on his feet but he fell down again, remaining on his knees. The sounds of the waves seemed incredibly loud and he watched the sand, changing its colour from white to bright blue. Squinting his eyes he felt his balance disappear again when something approached him rapidly. He felt a huge pain rushing through his face. Had he just been slapped? Disorientated he rolled over, trying to face his assaulter but he was far too slow to react and felt the other one hitting his face again. There were yells, words thrown into his face, but he didn’t get the meaning. ! Where the hell was she? And who the fucking hell was attacking him? He raised his hands to defend himself, trying to get back on his feet. Blinking for a brief moment he lowered his arms. was standing in front of him, yelling and still hitting him with her small fists.
“What?” he managed to say and tried to get hold of her hands. Hell she was quick! With a surprised sound he stumbled and fell down into the sand.
“Whaaaaat?” she screeched. “Are you fucking kidding me?” she slapped his face. “You are fucking banging my best friend, your friend’s girl and you have the guts to stare at me and ask me whaaaat?” again she slapped him, trying to get hold of that had just passed them completely oblivious and cool as a cucumber, running down the beach in the nude.
“!” let go of Bryan, running like lightning to catch her friend. When she had finally approached her she grabbed her arms, shaking her furiously. “What the hell are you doing?” she yelled, but her friend just laughed. “I wanna go swim.” She pointed into the water. “See, all the weasels are swimming!”
“What weasels?” kept shaking her. “What are you talking about for Christ’s sake?”
Again pointed at the shore. “Don’t you see them? They’re purple! That’s rare in weasels!” she nodded and laughed. “Wait for me!” she yelled and waved, trying to get rid of ’s hands. “Come on, ! Let’s go dance around the lemon tree!”
“Lemon what?” slapped ’s face. “Stop running right now and stop fighting for god’s sake! What did you take? Did you have any pills or something?”
kept laughing. “In the land of the leprechauns you might become an elf sometimes!” she turned around when Bryan approached, opening her arms with a wide smile. “There’s my giant!” she put her arms around his neck. “All naked and beautiful!”
Bryan pulled her closer immediately, stroking her back. “My sweet little fairy.” He murmured into her hair and lifted her face to kiss her deep and passionate, making slap him again.
“Christ, get off her!” she pulled away from his embrace, making her friend sob out of a sudden.
“! Don’t take me away from him!” grabbed Bryan’s hand. “He’s mine! He’s all mine and I am his!”
“No, you’re not!” hissed, pulling her away a few steps. “If you are somebody’s, you are ’s, you hear me? He’s the one you love, ! ! I know you have been fighting today but there is nothing gained if you now bang this one at the beach! God! Did he... did you really...? I mean has been longing for you and waiting for over a year now and you just grab Bryan and let him... shag you?”
“Right.” stopped fighting her friend. “. He was mean today. He was out to party and he had told me that he had to work late. He was mean. But he isn’t.” She pointed at Bryan. “He’s my first person in heaven! He’s gonna wait for me there!” she smiled and took a step towards Bryan, stopped by right away. “Maybe he is and maybe wasn’t nice to you before. But how can you just forget about everything you had with ? God, , he loves you! Maybe he was out and drunk but he loves you! You are not fair! You are sleeping with his friend behind his back! Don’t you love ?” tried to be calm. Both of her friends seemed to be in a completely overdrugged condition, maybe too high to put two thoughts together.
nodded slowly. “But he was mean!” she crossed her arms over her chest, staring out into the water. “And Bryan’s doing me good.”
“He is obviously doing you, you stupid pet! Now get your stuff, get dressed and let’s never talk about this again!” felt strange and uncomfortable. She had become a witness of something that should be hushed up completely. She needed to talk to about it. Maybe he knew what to do with this whole situation. While pulling back to the place she had found her to make her getting dressed she took her mobile out of the pocket of her short, pressing the speed dial button to call her boyfriend. It took a long time before he picked up, obviously out of breath. “What’s it, babes?” she heard him running again.
“Wow, what’s wrong with you, hun?” she pushed a little and helped her putting her dress over her head again. Bryan was still sitting close to the water, completely nude, talking to the waves or maybe to ’s weasels.
exhaled. “I’ve been trying to find for half an hour now! He’s gone! God damn it! Maybe he left already! Fuck!” heard a door closing. “!” her boyfriend yelled out of a sudden, speeding up his pace. “Fuck mate, what the hell d’ya think ya doin’! !” he sucked in a breath. “Babes, I need to call you later, this son of a bitch!” he cursed, cutting the connection. stared down at her mobile. What the freaking hell was going on tonight? Maybe it was the full moon, making everybody around her go nuts! She sighed, watching putting on her sandals. “Wait here!” she commanded, making her friend sit down in the sand. “Don’t move, alright? I’ll be right back!” with that she grabbed Bryan’s clothes and ran down to the shore again. “Come on, mate!” she pulled his t-shirt over his head. “Get dressed, this is a lot more than I ever wanted to see from you!” she tried to pull him up but she didn’t succeed so she just handed his boxer shorts over to him. “You’d better hide your hard-on or try to get rid of it! It is a little obvious.”
Still sitting in the sand he stared down between his legs, a stupid grin spreading over his face. “You have no idea how much I wanna get rid of it!” he tried to get back on his feet. “Just bring my little angel back and I will be fine in a split second!”
shook her head. “Forget it, mate! She’s not yours! You shouldn’t even think about touching her! Listen, I’m leaving you alone, please try to... well,” she waved her hand in direction of his crotch. “I will come back as soon as I have brought to the cabin, alright?”
He just nodded, lying down in the sand, stretching out his legs.
It took all her strength to bring back to the cabin safely. She sent one of Bryan’s friends back to the beach to find Bry and take him to the cabin. It was late already, the music had been turned down and most of the people inside the hut were sleeping. sighed and took outside because her friend was still completely hyper, telling stupid stories without even realizing. When Jackson returned from the beach without Bryan got up a little concerned, meeting him halfway on the terrace. “What’s wrong?” she whispered.
Jackson just shrugged his shoulders. “Said he needed some thinking alone, he’ll be back soon.”
Still worried lay down next to again, trying to calm her flow of words down a bit. It was late at night when finally fell asleep, but her sleep was fitful and she kept talking even though her mind was far away sleeping.
It was almost dawn when Bryan returned. He tiptoed over the terrace, finding asleep next to on a mattress. Carefully he sat down next to her, touching her cheek with his lips. She almost jumped out of her skin at first but when she opened her eyes and saw him she smiled. Slowly she turned to him. “Hey!” she whispered. “Is everything alright?”
He smiled down at her, kissing her hand when she put it on his cheek. “, babe, I... can I talk to you for a second?”
“Sure.” Cautiously she got up from the mattress and took his hand to follow him down to the beach again. They sat down together close to the water. When shivered from the cold breeze he pulled her closer and wrapped his arms and legs around her from behind to keep her warm. Hesitatingly he put his face to the back of her neck, inhaling her intoxicating scent and softly kissing her nape. “Listen, , I have been thinking.” He took her hand in his, pulling her a little closer. “You know my feelings about you, there’s nothing to regret for me for almost sleeping with you. I just want you to know that, ok?”
nodded slowly. Her stomach was churning in nausea. So it had actually happened. When she had woken up she had hoped that it had only been a wild dream but it obviously wasn’t. She took a deep breath but before she could respond to him he pulled her up a little, softly kissing her lips. “You know I love you, , I always have, maybe I always will. But I know that you love and I’m truly sorry that I brought you into this situation. I never planned to do so. It’s just that... well,” he shrugged. “When I felt you returning my kiss, I couldn’t stop myself and that’s what... well, that’s what I regret because of you. For your sake I should have stopped myself but I just couldn’t. I never meant to ruin your relationship with ! I only wanted to be your friend, it would have been enough for me. God, I’m so sorry!”
hushed him down by putting her fingers on his lips. “It is my fault just like yours. I should have stopped you but I felt so safe in your arms and well, those mushrooms are actually helping a lot to lose your last spark of decency.” She sighed, feeling a lump in her throat. Staring down into the waves she tried to make up her mind. There was no way to stay with after what she had done to him. She felt tears building up in her eyes but she knew that she had to talk to him and break up with him. It gnawed at her conscience but she had no chance to undo her mistake. Again she took a deep breath. “God!” she whispered, leaning back at Bryan. “I will have to break up with . I’ll talk to him as soon as he comes back and break up with him. It is the only fair thing to do.” She felt him loosening his grip around her.
“You wanna tell him about it?” surprised he lifted her chin with his index finger.
She nodded. “I can’t live a lie, Bryan. It would not be fair.”
Suddenly he got up, but grabbed his hand. “What are you doing?”
“Going inside.” He simply answered. “Breaking up with Kerry.” He started walking towards the hut, but stopped him.
“Don’t Bryan! I... Please, I can’t... I can’t be with you instead.”
He slowly turned around, facing her. “Why?” he whispered merely, looking down at her with his piercing green eyes. Sighing he lowered his gaze. “Of course.” He squeezed her hands. “Because you don’t return my feelings.” He wanted to turn away but she held him back.
“Bry, I... I’m so sorry!” she put his arms around his waist, burying her face on his chest.
“Don’t be.” He kissed her forehead. “You are honest and straight forward. And I know what I mean to you as a friend so... I want you to be happy and I do not want to lose you completely. God, I hate this sentence but, well, let’s stay friends, ok? I will be fine with it.”
“Thank you, Bryan.” She pulled him closer.
“Come on, honeyloop, let’s go back to sleep, ok?” carefully he put his arm around her shoulder. When he watched her smile in the half light of the breaking morning he swallowed hard. There was an aching inside his chest he had never felt before. It was like a stab with a knife and he couldn’t help pulling closer again, hugging her tightly. He swallowed down the words he wanted to say, feeling ridiculous. He was in love for the first time in his life. When he pulled away from her embrace he felt the scent of her skin lingering on him and felt a lump in his throat. Nobody would ever get to know it, he would never admit it to anyone, but when he looked into her beautiful eyes again he felt his heart aching...

Chapter 10

On the way to Dublin, where and had arranged to meet up with and to spend a few days together, was very quiet. She was completely lost in her thoughts and as much as tried to talk to her, her friend didn’t answer. sighed and tried to concentrate on the road. Even that was sitting in the back of the car had become quiet for at least hours now.
Nothing was right and felt tears building up in her eyes, turning up the volume of the radio playing one of her favourite songs by blink 182.

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

[I miss you miss you]
[I miss you miss you]

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head [I miss you miss you]
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head [I miss you miss you]

closed her eyes, trying hard not to cry. Nothing was right! He would not be coming to ease her pain tonight.
They reached the hotel at about one pm. Still not saying a word opened her seatbelt and got out of the car.
“!” held her friend back. “What the hell are you doing? Talk to me for Christ’s sake!”
“!” shook her friend’s arm off. “Please, just let me go!” with that she turned on her heels, heading for the hotel entrance. To make things easier for and , and had booked the two rooms for them on the girl’s names. When entered the hotel, carrying her suitcase, she saw the golden doors of the elevator closing. was inside, staring at the ceiling.
Cursing lowly asked for the key to her room.
“, baby!” it was rushing into the lobby. He had been sitting at the nearby bar, obviously waiting for them to arrive. “God, I’ve missed ye!” he hugged her tightly. “Where’s the rest of you?”
sighed with relief and hugged him back. “’s outside waiting for Bryan and Kerry. God, , what the fuck was wrong last night!?”
“We’d better have a seat and a few shots before I tell you this!” He took her arm. “By the way, where’s ?”
“Trust me, there is a lot to tell, babe!” sighed and sat down in one of the black armchairs of the bar. “’s upstairs, she wants to talk to . I’m afraid it’s over with them.” Thankful she took the whisky the waitress offered to her and downed half of the glass.
“How come?” ’s eyes widened. “How does she know? I mean, has he called her and told her about it?”
“Told her about what?” emptied her glass, sucking in a deep breath. The liquor felt like fire in her stomach but it didn’t have the calmative effect it normally used to have. “What are you talking about?” she asked again.
“I... I...” swallowed, gulping down the rest of his whisky. “I caught him yesterday. He was completely rat-arsed from whatever he had been drinking or taking and I found him outside the club we had been partying in. He was with this girl, making out with her. And I mean really making out! He had pinned her to the wall with his pants down at his ankles and her skirt pushed up.”
put her hands on her mouth. “He did what?” she whispered in a throaty voice. rubbed her arm, taking her hands in his.
“He did nothing babe, not yet, I assume.” He tried to smile. “But I was so enraged that I just grabbed him and beat the shit out of him. I can’t believe it!! I mean, he is so in love with ! He has been true blue with her for a year and now...! Just imagine, most probably he would have banged this other bitch if I had not found him on time!”
“God!” buried her face in his hands. “, that... I can’t believe this!” she looked up, shaking her head. “What was wrong last night?” she sighed and leaned back. “Remember when I called you yesterday? I was at the beach. and Bryan had disappeared for almost three hours and I was completely freaked out but when I found them, well... they were completely naked, full of magic mushrooms and Bryan... he was on top of . I think they were about to...”
“That’s a joke, right?” ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re kidding, aren’t you? and BRYAN? God damn it!” he clenched his fist and banged on the table. “Did everybody go crazy last night?” he hissed in suppressed anger. “God!! Did they...? I mean...?”
shook her head waving for the waitress. “They didn’t. Well, at least he was still... hum... From his stiffy I’d say at least he didn’t finish the mission.”
“So what are we gonna do now?” rubbed his face with the palms of his hands. When he opened his eyes again he found Bryan with , Kerry and at the reception desk. “Here comes the suspect!” he gritted his teeth, staring at Bryan. “Hey you guys! Did you have fun?” sarcastically he grinned.
Bryan didn’t answer but Kerry got pale. Without looking at her boyfriend she sat down in one of the armchairs, ordering a drink.
“What the hell were you thinking, Bry?” hissed. “God!”
Bryan lighted a cigarette, staring down at with narrowed eyes. “Can we please not talk about it now? We were drunk, we were on drugs, it was a mistake!” he snapped at his mate. “We never meant to do anything! We didn’t plan this! It just happened and we are more than sorry, ok?!”
“God, Bryan, sorry is not enough! What the hell were you thinking?” got up from his seat, staring up at his band mate.
“Well, maybe I didn’t think!” Bryan growled back in response.
“Can somebody please tell me what’s going on here?” sat down on the armrest of ’s chair. “What the hell are you fighting about?”
Kerry let out a sardonic laugh. “Well, my so called boyfriend took ’s girlfriend to the beach for a little drug-party and a good shag!” she downed her drink. “Lovely, isn’t it?”
“I didn’t sleep with her, Kerry!” Bryan took another deep drag from his cigarette. “We made out but that’s it! Nothing else happened!”
“D’ye think that this makes it any better, you cheat?” she hissed, getting up. “Would you excuse me? I need some rest now. And you,” she pointed at her boyfriend. “You’d better find another room to sleep! I don’t want you anywhere near me and I’m not gonna share my bed with you tonight!” she turned on her heels, walking over to the elevator.

At the same time had entered her room. wasn’t inside but when she put down her bag she heard the shower. Slowly she sat down on the couch close to the open balcony door and drew a deep breath. She was still convincing herself that telling about her bit on the side was the only right thing to do. Maybe she was in love with him but she couldn’t bear the feeling of being untrue, unfaithful with him, so she pressed her fingers together and waited for him with a bad gut feeling.
When the shower was finally turned off her heart almost jumped out of her chest. Without noticing her entered the bedroom, a towel wrapped around his hips. He stepped closer to the mirror on the wall, touching the adhesive tape on his eyebrow. got up, making him flinch. “!” quickly he put a second towel over his head, a useless attempt to hide his bruises, and started to rub his hair.
“What happened to your face?” asked, stepping a little closer.
“Just a fight last night.” He took the towel from his head, putting it around his shoulders. “Not much.” He ran his fingers through his messy hair.
only nodded. She sat down on the sofa again, lighting a cigarette. “, I... I need to talk to you.”
Her boyfriend seemed to turn to stone for a split second. “About?” he watched her carefully, sitting down opposite to her on the edge of the bed.
“Last night.” She barely whispered, looking at him with tears in his eyes. “Listen, I know that it was maybe only a few kisses and some making out but... I just can’t...” she took a deep drag from her cigarette, looking down to the floor. got up out of a sudden. “It was nothing!” he whispered hoarsely. “A lot of booze and a stupid mistake but... Please don’t leave me because of this stupid incidence! I love you, ! Please! I know, it was stupid and I...” he stopped and stared at her. “God, why did tell you? I wanted to talk about it with you! And I wanted to apologize! God!” he dropped down onto the bed again. “, I’m sorry! It meant nothing to me!”
“Did I miss out on something?” put her cigarette into the ashtray. “What are you talking about?”
bit down his tongue. Maybe had not told her and now he had been stupid enough to blurt out the truth. “Listen, , I’m sorry!”
“Well,” got up from the couch, picking up her bag. “Seems that we are even again. Well then, goodbye .”
“Wait!” he jumped up and grabbed her arm. “What d’ya mean? Don’t just leave me now! Please! !!!”
She tried to shake off his hand and glared at him. “Well, dear, while you were obviously making out with someone, I was at the beach with Bryan. We took some halucinogenics, use your imagination where it ended!”
He let go of her arm, out of words for a brief moment, staring at her. “You... you and Bryan? You slept with BRYAN?”
“No, I didn’t!” tried to push him aside but he remained standing in front of the entrance door of the room, blocking it.
“We made out, ok? I know that drugs are not an excuse or help to make this situation any better. It just happened, ok? And, well, you also had your fun with someone, right? The forbidden fruits seem to taste the best.” She swallowed. “Let me out.” She whispered, trying hard not to cry. “Just let me go.”
“No way!” he straddled his legs, putting a hand on each side of the doorframe. “You made out with Bryan?” he shook his head. “Why ? Why him?? Why are you doing this to me? Why Bryan?”
“Stupid question!” pushed him slightly. “Why did you make out with this girl and not with another one?”
“Booze, short skirt and a pill she gave me.” simply answered, still glaring at her reproachfully. “Why Bryan?” he repeated. “God, why of all the men in the world, why did you have to pick him??”
“!” she put her bag down onto the floor. “I didn’t pick him or plan to make out with him! It just happened! We were at the beach and... it just happened! I wasn’t searching a club, getting pissed and horny!” she saw his right hand jerk before he clenched his fist, banging the wooden doorframe. Gwaping at her he shook his head. “Don’t you dare blaming me now! I know I made a mistake but I didn’t let one of your friends touch me for Christ’s sake! I was pissed and she was there! I can’t even remember her name or anything that has happened between us! But you, you took one of my best friends! You knew exactly that he’s mad about you! You just pushed your luck and took the chance! God! Tell me, I assume he has touched a few places I haven’t even seen after being with you for how long? A year?”
was about to slap his face. “Shut the fuck up! I had no idea about his feelings! I would have never joined him if I had known that! He’s my friend, we went to the beach as friends! Christ! Do you insinuate that I did this on purpose? God, ! Why should I? I loved you for Christ’s sake! I wanted to be with you! You!!” she shook her head, staring down onto the carpet. “God!” she whispered. “Let me go, .”
He shook his head. “I won’t.” He drew a long breath, looking straight into her eyes.
“Why?” she returned his stare. “There’s nothing more to say, right?”
“Well, actually there is.” He crossed his arms over his naked chest. “You already said it: We are even.”
“So? This is not some kind of game, ! And what if you are pissed and horny again sometime? Can I just grab someone and have fun as well?”
“It won’t happen again.” He simply answered, holding her stare.
“What makes you so damn sure about that fact? There’s still plenty of girls and drugs to try!” again she shook her head. “What are you gonna do the next time?”
His answer was short and simple: “Nothing.” He looked at her. “I’ll give you my word. You are the only one I want in my life. I promise you that this will never happen again!” he reached out his hand. “Can you give the same promise to me?”
Hesitantly stepped back meeting with disbelief. “I don’t think that it will work anymore. Maybe we were not meant to be together.”
“And you wanna find out whether we are meant to be together or not by leaving? It might be hard to figure out when you’re gone, don’t you think?” silently he looked at her.
rubbed her cheeks. “God, ! What are we doing here? Why... I mean how could we let this happen? Didn’t we have something... special together?” she turned around, sitting down on the edge of the bed, lighting another cigarette.
“We did.” He confirmed, sighing silently. “That’s why I don’t want you to leave.”
sighed as well, burying her face in her hands. “, I... I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have followed him to the beach but I had no idea that he... he had feelings for me! Believe me, I really like him, but you are the one I love!” suppliantly she looked up at him.
He got down on his knees in front of her and put his hands on her shoulders. “Can we work this out together?” he asked and took her in his arms when she nodded.
Deep inside of him his love for her tried to fight the boiling anger he felt because of Bryan. It was almost as if McFadden had passed him on the home straight. He felt sobbing on his shoulder silently, trying to push away the thought that it had been Bryan that had seen her naked first. Touched her first. Felt her naked body close to his. He swallowed. Still he wasn’t sure about what had happened to him the previous night. Like small flashes of lightning memories came to his mind. The other girl’s legs wrapped around him. Her kiss, hot and eager. Hands on his crotch, then inside his jeans, lips touching the tip of his hard-on, a hot mouth engulfing his whole length. He had been longing for to touch him for so long. Now, after being totally celibate for almost one and a half years it had been somebody else’s hands and lips on him. He opened his eyes to dispel the recurring thoughts, nuzzling closer to ’s neck. Carefully he lifted her up from the bed. “What d’ya say, you have a long relaxing bath and we order something from the room service and just stay in the rest of the day, watch movies or whatever?”
She put her arms around his neck when he carried her over to the bathroom. “Sounds good to me.” Softly she touched his black eye. “What happened to your face?” she asked again. He cleared his throat, blushing slightly. “Well, that was . He caught me and beat the crap out of me.” He didn’t dare looking at her and put her back to her own feet.
Once more she touched the adhesive tape on his forehead. “ did the same.” She took a deep breath. “When she found us she beat the shit out of Bryan.” Sighing she turned around to start the water. Sitting on the edge of the bathtub she looked up at him. “D’you think that we can ever forget what has happened?” she asked in a very low voice, her sentence almost drown out by the running water.
He got down on his knees again, putting his arms around her waist. “I don’t know.” He whispered straightforwardly, feeling her running her fingers through his wet hair.
She leaned her cheek to his forehead. “At least I wanna try.” She whispered, her voice causing goosebumps all over his back.
“Me too.” He whispered in response, lifting his face. “I’m sorry.”
She tried to smile. “Me too.”
Slowly he got back on his feet, grabbing his slipping towel. “I... I’ll be outside if you need anything.” He forced a little smile. It would be hard to forget about her and Bryan. knew that he loved his girlfriend, but the thought of Bryan kissing and touching her felt like a thorn aching somewhere deep in his heart. Sighing he turned around to leave the bathroom when cleared her throat. “, you... d’you wanna stay and join me for a bath?”
Not sure what to do he froze, his hand already on the doorknob. Slowly he turned around. “Join you?” he asked carefully.
She nodded and blushed. “We could... well, we...” shyly she lowered her gaze. “Was just an idea.” She turned around to put some bath additives into the water. When he touched her shoulder she flinched.
“Baby,” he whispered, kissing her temple. “There’s no need to rush things now. If you wanna wait... I don’t want you to do this for me now!”
turned around to wrap her arms around his neck. “I should have done this a while ago.” Softly she kissed his lips. “I love you, . I love you with all my heart and I do not want to lose you.”
He gasped in surprise when she deepened her kiss, pulling him closer. Moaning lowly he wrapped his arms around her and ran his fingers through her soft hair, tugging them inside to pull her head back. She let him push up her top and took it off, opening the zipper of her jeans, her heart beating faster when she tried to push away a slowly raising feeling of discomfort. When he let his fingers travel over her naked back another little moan escaped his mouth. He grabbed her buttocks, squeezing them gently. Feeling his towel slipping to the floor, he held her closer, his hard-on pressed to the soft skin of her belly, begging for her to finally touch him. Slowly he pulled down the straps of her bra, kissing his way down her neck. “You are shivering, baby.” He whispered, lifting her face with his index-finger. “Is that a good or a bad sign?” he leaned back a little, still watching her closely. She looked down to the white floor and nervously bit her lower lip. “Well, I don’t know actually.” She admitted in a whisper.
“What d’ya mean by that? You don’t know whether it feels good or bad to kiss me?” he took his towel and put it around his hips again, staring at his girlfriend with confusion in his eyes. was still avoiding his gaze and the thought that she was still afraid to be touched by him felt like a fist in his stomach. “Why?” he whispered and stepped back. “I mean, how were you able make out with McFadden without any fears or doubts but when I kiss you, you get scared? I don’t get it, !” filled with bitterness he took another step away from her.
“Maybe it was the drugs.” suggested in a very low voice, still staring down at her naked feet. He let out a fake laugh. “So I need to sedate you with drugs anytime I wanna touch you? That’s insane!” he turned his back on her. “Maybe you wanted him more than you want me.” He whispered without looking at her. “Maybe you love him more.”
“!” felt tears in her eyes. Quickly she opened her bra and took off her slip. “Look at me, !” she whispered and reached out her hands to touch his back. “Look at me, will you?” her fingertips ran along his spine, making him shiver but still he didn’t turn around to face her. His mind was confused and he felt completely puzzled and rejected by her. When she pulled down his towel, pressing her naked body to his back he panted in surprise.
“Have a bath with me and please give me some time to get used to being naked and touched by you without being almost unconscious and intoxicated, ok?” she got on her tiptoes and kissed the back of his neck, her heartbeat speeding up when he finally turned around to take her in his arms again.
“Of course I will! I love you so much, !” he whispered hoarsely and buried his face to her neck. “God, I love you!”
“I love you too.” cupped his face with her hands, kissing him passionately before she took his hand. “Let’s get inside, what d’ya say?” she smiled at him. Carefully he returned her smile, kissing her again before he stepped back. “What d’ya think, are you up for a drink? I could use one. Why don’t you get inside and I pick something from the minibar?”
Smiling she squeezed his hand. “Alright then.” She kissed his soft lips again. “I’m with you!”

Chapter 11

All wrapped up in a huge white bathrobe sat on the bed, watching that had fallen asleep by her side, his arms still wrapped around her firmly. It was almost ten o’clock. They had been watching some movies, eating food from the room service in bed, trying to make lose her fear with kisses and soft touches. Somewhere during the early evening they both had fallen asleep, cuddled up together under the blanket of their king size hotel bed. Carefully ran his fingers through ’s soft hair, making him flinch for a second. He opened his eyes and smiled at her. “Hey!” he rubbed his nose to her arm. “Sorry, did I fall asleep?”
laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. “We both did.” She shoved her hand into his hair and giggled slightly when he pulled her up to sit on top of him.
“So what are we up to now?” he ran his hands over her back, smiling when she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. She had never been more beautiful and he sighed when she bent down to peck his lips. “I think I got an idea.” Her smile grew wider.
He raised his eyebrow. “Do you, hum?” Carefully he ran his tongue over her lips, playfully nudging them until she opened her adorable mouth to give him full access to her sweet taste. Gasping for breath she pulled away after a few seconds, smiling down at him. The look on her face made his soul jerk. Her eyes were full of trust and love and when she cupped his face with her hands and kissed him again he couldn’t help pulling her closer and turning her to lie on her back. Without breaking the kiss he slid his leg between hers and bent over her.
With the tips of her fingers softly rubbed his chest, letting her hands travel inside his bathrobe, stroking his nipples. A small whimper escaped his lips when she squeezed them softly and he placed himself on top of her to kiss her once again. He tangled his hands into her long hair, feeling his girlfriend opening the string of her bathrobe before she loosened the knot of his own. She brushed the terry cloth away, closing her eyes when she felt his soft skin on hers. Legs entwined with each other ran his fingers over her face and down the delicate skin of her neck. Her warm belly was pressed against his and he felt his member twitch when he felt her pubic hair rub against his own. Slowly he kissed his way down her neck, his full lips leaving a burning trace. Moving down to her belly he looked up at her and smiled. Her eyes were closed and her hand ran through the strands that fell over his forehead. When he stopped for a second she opened her eyes, returning his smile. “What?” she whispered.
He shook his head, putting his big hand to her cheek. “Nothing.” He answered. “I love you!” he sat up. “And I think I must be dreaming because the most beautiful girl is lying in my arms. She’s naked by the way.” He joked, playfully twinkling at her even though his whole body was begging for her touch. He let his gaze travel over her again and again, the sight of her firm breasts and her tanned flat belly almost making him groan. He put his hands forth, gently cupping her breasts and circling her nipples with his thumbs before running his fingertips over her hips, making her tremble. Immediately he took his hands off, looking up at her. “Good or bad?” he whispered, twitching in surprise when she sat up as well, stroking his chest and his belly. “Good.” She simply whispered, getting on her knees to wrap her arms around him and kiss him deeply. “I have a little surprise for you.” She whispered in his ear, chuckling when she saw the soft hair on the back of his neck raising and little goosebumps spreading over his muscular back. He slid his hands into her bathrobe and up around her neck. “What is it?” softly he blew over her nipple before taking it into his mouth, sucking it eagerly.
gasped for air and tugged her fingers into his hair, forcing him to look up again. “Before I came to Ireland I started taking the pill so that... well, that we could do it whenever we felt like it.”
A huge smile played on his lips. “Wow, so...” he ran his fingertips over her breasts again. “So you really wanna try...?” she nodded, returning his smile, burying her face to his neck.
He cupped her face with his hands and kissed her passionately. “D’you want me, baby?” he whispered, caressing her lips with his thumbs. She nodded with a little smile, allowing him to lie her down on the bed again.

End of Flashback,
September 2009, Sligo

He was still holding her close when he woke up in the morning. In his dream they had been on their honeymoon in France again and it was as if he had actually felt her hands on him. Carefully he moved away a little, trying not to wake up. Rushing into the bathroom he put cold water on his face, staring at his reflection in the mirror while he tried to sort out the throbbing feeling in his boxers. All it took was her smell to make him stiff in a split second and he sighed in annoyance, squeezing his hard-on to take a little pressure off it. Quickly he slid down his boxers, turning on the cold water to calm down. He didn’t want her to wake up and find him wagging in the bathroom.
Gulping down handful of water he washed his face again and started to towel himself off before he got dressed again and went back to the room. was still asleep and he was praying that she would be stable enough to finally return home with him when he lay down beside her again. He felt her moving in his arms. She put her arm around him, snuggling her face to his chest.

Chapter 12

His wish was fulfilled only a week later. He had been talking to Dr. Carter that had hesitantly signed the papers to finally release from the hospital. had given his promise to never leave her side and report everything to the doctor. They would need to come back to the hospital every few days to check up on ’s health but didn’t care. The only thing that counted was her being home. He was ready to do anything that was necessary to keep her close and take care of her.
While he was driving through the familiar streets he was almost unable to take his eyes off her. She was still pale and a lot thinner than before but whenever his gaze travelled over her he felt butterflies in his stomach. She’d be back home finally and he would do his best to help her to recover. Thinking about the surprise he had planned for her he couldn’t help smiling, still hoping that she would be strong enough to meet another little piece of her own history, their history together.
Carrying her suitcase he stepped out of the car, carefully helping her to get out as well.
She had been quiet on the way home, staring out of the window to avoid his gaze. Leaning her back on the huge BMW she closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. So this was home. With narrowed eyes she looked up at the huge house and the front yard that was bigger than the whole neighbourhood of her parents place. Again she took a breath before she made her first step towards the house. Somebody had hung a banner up above the front door. It was flapping in the cold breeze and shivered. had brought her a soft woollen wintercoat but still her body was trembling in the cold and also with fear and excitement. ‘Welcome home, ’ was written on it and swallowed hard. Everybody was waiting for her to return home. There were actually people standing at the doorstep, waiting for her. She found and waved at her. , and had also brought their families and recognized ’s parents and some of his siblings that had come to visit her at the hospital during the last days. remained standing on the gravel walk of the driveway. She could hardly believe her eyes. This was her home? The place she used to live in? It was all posh and expensive, besides being incredibly huge! Again she swallowed hard, feeling close behind her. “Welcome home, luv.” He whispered and kissed her cheek. “Don’t you wanna come in?” carefully he put his arm around her, following her gaze. “You’re home, baby.” Kissing her cheek again he turned her around to hug her tightly. “I got a few surprises for you, you think you will manage?” he looked deep into her eyes, kissing her lips.
She tried to smile and nodded. Her father had been right. She had to give this life a chance. She had to give a chance to prove that they were happy and belonged together. Putting her hand in his she smiled again. “I’m ready.” Only time could tell how often she had to be ready to face new things, people, and parts of her life that were still erased from her memory. But when she looked at she found a happy and encouraging smile on his full lips and couldn’t help smiling back at him. Feeling her eyes locked with his for a brief moment she felt another shiver running down her spine. He would be there for her. For good and for bad. Forever. She grabbed the scruff of his coat and pulled him down to kiss him herself for the first time. Resting her lips on his she felt him wrapping his arms around her. “I love you baby.” He whispered, holding her tight in his embrace.
hesitated. “,... I... I really...”
put his finger on her lips. “Don’t, baby.” He whispered and kissed her again. “There’s no need to answer this any time soon and you know that.”
“But I want... , I want...” she looked up at him, feeling her knees getting week from the look in his beautiful eyes. “I want you to know that I am really fond of you! I... I care about you! And I wish more than anything in this world that I can one day look into your eyes and tell you that I love you!” she cupped his face with her cold fingers, making him flinch and put his own hands on top of hers to warm them.
“I know, baby.” Leaning his forehead onto hers he smiled. “But it’s good to know that you don’t reject me. That’s more than enough for now!” kissing her again he softly nibbled her lower lip, making her smile as well.
“Come on, you ready, luv?”
nodded, taking a deep breath. Together they entered the gate leading on a path over the lawn. Out of a sudden nodded at his mother that had a little girl up on her arm. She smiled at him, putting the girl down on her feet, whispering something into her ear before she handed her a rose. Her were messy from the autumn storm and she shoved them behind her ears when she started running towards and . Everything seemed in watery motion for a few seconds. The wind was chilly, blowing through the trees and the bushes that were surrounding the huge white house. watched the little girl running over the meadow, smiling and waving. She was about four years old and her little blue dress accentuated her eyes. Smiling broadly she waved again. “Welcome home, mummy!” she yelled, hugging ’s leg.
Luckily was there to support his wife when she almost slumped down onto the grass. Mummy? Was she a mother? stared down at the little girl, trying hard not to pass out right there and then. put down the suitcase and lifted the girl up in his arms, kissing her red cheek. “See, honey, I told you that Mummy would be home soon.”
The girl reached out her little hands. “Want Mama to hug me!” she begged, grabbing ’s shirt. Completely overstrained swallowed, taking the girl from ’s arm. When the girl put her arms around her neck she felt tears burning in her eyes and looked up at her husband. “We... You mean I...” she cleared her throat. “We are...”
He nodded with a smile, putting his arms around her and the girl. “She’s yours, baby.” He kissed his wife, resting his forehead onto hers. “Yours and mine of course. I didn’t want to overburden you as long as you were in the hospital but now...” again he kissed her. “Welcome your daughter , luv.”
Slowly shoved the little girl away to look at her. She was small, almost like a doll. Her skin was tanned just like her own and the and messy on her head made it obvious. looked just like herself only in a smaller version. The girl’s eyes were the only thing differing from her own. They were piercing just like her father’s. . Her daughter’s name was . It had always been her favourite girl’s name.
felt tears running down her cheeks when put her hands on her face. “Are you fine, Mummy?” she asked, playing with her mother’s hair. nodded with a lot of effort. “Now I am, babygirl.” Carefully she kissed the girl's forehead, wrapping her arms around the little body firmly.
“We’re having dinner, Mommy!” beamed at her mother, still caressing her face with her little hands. “Grandma let me chop the beans, so I cooked for you!”
“Come here, baby.” widened his arms. “Let’s go inside and see what you prepared for us, ok?”
Proudly the girl nodded, holding onto her father’s shirt. left the suitcase in the grass, putting his arm around his wife’s waist to guide her to the entrance of the house. “Are you alright, luv?” he asked carefully, watching her with his eyes.
She turned at him and nodded. Although she was pale a smile lit up her face. “It is just a lot for me right now. I mean,... this huge house, you, our kid... it’s just... well, a lot to absorb, so...”
He stroked her back. “Take your time, luv. Let’s just go inside and get some dinner, what d’you say?”
Again nodded, reaching out her hand to touch ’s cheek cautiously as if the little girl could disappear right in front of her eyes any minute. She was a mother. This tiny adorable doll on ’s arm was her kid. Her little girl. Again she felt tears building up in her eyes and she couldn’t hold them back when approached to give her a tight hug. “I wanted to tell you about her babes!” she looked at her best friend, trying to wipe away her tears. “The doctors told me not to because you weren’t strong enough! How d’you feel now? Is everything alright?” again she hugged her and pressed her face to ’s neck. nodded slowly. “Everything is fine, babes.” She whispered, stroking her friends back. “I’m home with my family now. Everything’s gonna be fine.” Although she sounded confident, felt her legs trembling. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she couldn’t concentrate properly on all the people that came to hug and kiss her. She was a mother. That was the only thought on her mind during the whole evening. She couldn’t help gazing at the little girl that was sitting next to her in a children’s highchair, enthusiastically telling her stories about her friends from kindergarten.
When everybody had left the house, remained seated on the couch in the entrance hall. It was twelve already and was sleeping on his chest.
“Don’t you wanna bring her to bed?” whispered, sitting down next to him to touch the little girls back. It was strange and somehow she felt awkward. It was as if she didn’t have the right to touch the kid. just smiled and raised his hand to caress her cheek. “Well, you are the one that is constantly telling me that she needs to be with us and not in her bed when there are visitors. You always wanted her close.” Smiling he kissed her. “My father used to call you the ‘ape-mother’ because you never let go of her. When she was younger you used to carry her around wherever you went in a baby-sling. You never put her down to sleep, she always fell asleep on someone’s lap. I’ve never seen a kid before that is able to fall asleep in a talking and laughing crowd of people!”
“I can.” ran her fingers through ’s hair catching her husband’s gaze.
“I know you can. You are able to fall asleep anywhere!” he smiled and brushed his lips over hers. Then he got up very slowly. “Why don’t you go upstairs and make yourself comfortable? I will bring to her room.” He pulled his daughter up on his arm. “She gets heavier every day!” smiling he ran his fingers through the little girl’s hair and kissed her soft little cheek. The girl mumbled something in her sleep without waking up, making her father’s smile grow wider. “Just like you, luv. Whenever you are asleep and I touch your hair, you let out a short mumble but you never wake up completely.” He bent down to kiss her, resting his lips on hers for a few seconds. “I’ll be right with you, babe.”
watched him climbing up the stairs to the first floor of the house. She leaned back on the sofa, sipping her wine while she let her gaze travel over the living room. The whole ground floor of the house was a living area. got up, swivelling her glass between her fingers. There was a dining room and an open kitchen right next to the entrance part of the house where she had been sitting after saying her goodbyes to everyone. She touched the light kitchen furniture, walking over into the dining room. Unlike the kitchen the huge table and the 16 chairs around it were made of dark wood. Also the carpet and the curtains were heavy and dark red. Running her fingers over the claret-red velvet of one of the curtains, sipped her wine again before she turned right and walked through another door into the actual living room. She let her gaze travel over the huge cream coloured couch and the matching armchairs. There was an open fireplace and a big flat screen TV. But also a few shelves from the floor to the ceiling, filled with books. Carefully she stepped closer, the names of many authors ringing a bell. Valerio Manfredi, she seemed to own all the books he had ever written! The same with Scott McBain, Mark Sullivan and Mitch Albom. Disbelieving she stared at the shelf that filled the entire wall behind the couch. This was definitely the biggest collection of books she had ever seen in a private house. Maybe except her parent’s place that had always been filled with books to the last centimetre.
A small smile played on her lips. Obviously she hadn’t changed much. Books had always been her passion and she used to buy a new one whenever she had the money for it. Staring at the huge library she couldn’t stop herself from letting out a small giggle. Money seemed not to be an issue anymore.
When she turned back to leave the living room and continue her round tour through the house she found another door in a corner of the room. Curiously she pressed down the door handle, gasping in surprise. The room was a beautiful study with huge windows looking onto the garden. The furniture was dark and there were two pianos, some guitars and even a small recording studio with all its equipment. In the corner to her left was a big black leather couch and an armchair placed around a glass table. The shelf above the couch was filled with awards, trophies and pictures of the band. Taking one of the pictures from the shelf, gave it a close look. Carefully she ran her finger over the glass frame, touching ’s face. He must have been very young on that photography, holding an award in his hands, a huge smile lighting up his whole face. Bryan was standing next to him, his arm wrapped around the smaller man. He was doing a funny face, it seemed as if he was yelling, raising his hand that held his trophy as if it was a sword and he highlander himself. couldn’t help giggling. was unbelievably cute, but Bryan was not her type of guy at all! Well, maybe he was tall but his hair was cut in a childish way, falling over his ears and although he had a lot of gel put on his head his hair was impossible to tame. ‘Does he still have such a big nose?’ gave his face a closer look and shook her head with a grin. He was great looking today, now that he had lost his puppy fat. His hair was longer and his beard gave him a male look, but back then... she could hardly believe that she had actually made out with him. Still smiling she put the picture back at its place and walked around the corner. The room was completed by a winter garden with a lot of flowers and a beautiful view over the back yard. Sighing sat down on a comfortable armchair and watched the garden.
“Hey!” entered the room with a big smile on his lips. “So you found your favourite place again, hum?” he sat down on the armrest of the chair, putting his arm around his wife’s shoulders. Kissing her forehead he pointed down at the floor. There were toys and a small light blue blanket. “Even loves to be here. I think it is the room we spend most of our time in.” Again he kissed her forehead, pulling her a little closer. Surprised he felt her wrapping her arms around his waist. With a little sigh she rested her head on his chest. “It is beautiful!” she whispered, running her hand over his upper thigh, softly stroking his leg before she put her hand in his. He flinched under her touch. It was the first time that she had reached out her hand to touch another thing than his hand or face and he felt his knees going weak. Carefully he slipped down from the armrest, pulling his wife on his lap. He tried hard to control himself but when she moved in his arms and turned a little to face him he couldn’t resist kissing her soft lips. His heart was pounding in his chest and he felt it skipping a beat when he let the tip of his tongue travel over her upper lip and she reacted to his touch without hesitation, opening her mouth to give him access to her warm and familiar taste. She ran her fingers through his hair, returning his kiss a little unassertive.
couldn’t help pulling her closer. He had missed her for so long! Her taste, the softness of her lips! He moaned slightly when she turned towards him, letting him deepen the kiss. Suddenly he let go of her lips, leaning back on the chair with a smile. “God, I’ve missed ye!” he whispered out of breath, pulling her closer. Again and again he kissed her lips, leaving little butterfly kisses all over her face. “I love you so much, !” sighing he buried his face to her neck, running his hand over her thigh, her hip and her belly, softly cupping her breast for a second, circling her nipple. winced and he removed his hand quickly. “Sorry!” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her.
returned his embrace but she felt a little insecure. He was her husband. Of course he wanted to touch her. But it felt strange to be touched by him, although she had liked the kisses they had just shared. She turned around completely, straddling her legs to sit on his lap again. Carefully she ran her fingers through his hair and over his chest and bent down to kiss him again. Now that she was sitting on top of him, she could feel his hard-on between her legs. At least she assumed that it was his hard-on. She had only felt it once when she had made out with Micky Larson in tenth grade. Well, that was what she remembered. Her body obviously remembered more because she felt her heart pounding faster when pulled her closer. Her breath had become deep and fast although she still felt shy and hesitant. let his lips travel over her neck. “Come to bed, luv.” He whispered, hugging her tightly. “It’s late, you must be tired.” Smiling warmly he got up from the armchair, carrying her up the stairs to the first floor. In front of a door he put her back on her feet. “Come on in, babe.” He whispered, wrapping his arms around her from behind and followed her inside the bedroom. It was a beautiful and cosy room, everything was cream coloured and brown. The bed was huge and couldn’t believe her eyes: She actually owned a canopy bed! It was made of dark wood, almost a little reddish and had cream coloured curtains.
“Oh my god!” she rushed over to the bed and lay down with a small giggle. “God, this is beautiful!”
followed her and lay down as well, resting his weight on his elbow. “You chose it, luv.” Smiling he bent over to kiss her again. “Come on, the bathroom is over there.” He pointed at a door to her left. “Your nightgowns are in the little commode by the window. Get one and have a nice shower to wash away the rest of the hospital.” He smiled and kissed her forehead but she could clearly see the suppressed want in his eyes.
Quickly she got up from the bed trying hard to not let her fear and insecurity show. Inside the bathroom she locked the door and leaned her back against it to catch her breath.
She was here. This was her home. Her husband was waiting outside in a beautiful bedroom to finally hold her and touch her again, but she felt nothing but fear. She had never had sex in her life. Neither with him nor anyone else. Turning on the cold water she washed her face, staring at her pale reflection in the mirror. No one had ever seen her naked or touched her and she felt a lump in her throat, trying hard to swallow it down. had touched her. He was her husband. She wasn’t the 18 year old girl from anymore. She was a mother. She was a wife. And as a wife she had duties that had to be carried out. Swallowing again she took off her blouse and t-shirt, still staring at her reflection. She had lost a lot of weight. Her breasts were a lot smaller and they were not as firm anymore as she remembered them. Sighing she ran her fingers over her body. It had changed a lot. Touching the stretch marks on her belly she sighed again. She was definitely not 18 anymore. Furrowing her brows she ran her fingertips over her forehead. During her hospital stay she hadn’t really looked into the mirror but now that she had the time for it, she started to take stock. “Hell, you look old!” she whispered at her own reflection, carefully trying to remove the wet adhesive tape above her eye.
Standing in the shower she took her time, washing her hair twice with the coconut shampoo she had found in a small metal shelf that was attached to the wall of the big shower. When she stepped outside to towel herself off and brush her wet hair she felt completely clean and refreshed for the first time in days. Quickly she brushed her teeth and dressed herself in the black cotton nightgown she had found in the drawer of the bedroom commode. When she opened the door to the bedroom her heart was beating far too fast and she felt her stomach doing backflips.
was sitting on the bed, wearing nothing but a blue boxer short. His hair was wet, obviously he had taken a shower as well. swallowed shyly, starting to fold her clothes and put them on the chair in a corner of the room. When she turned back at him, he smiled, lifting up the book he had been reading. “It is really good! I finally started it.” He put the book down in his naked belly. “Did you have a good shower? Feeling better?”
She nodded, realising in surprise that he was wearing glasses. When she approached the bed she could clearly see that they were quite strong. She put forth her hand. “I didn’t know that you were wearing glasses.”
He grinned bashfully. “Well, I don’t wear them too often, maybe I’m a bit too conceited for them. But I didn’t want to put my lenses back in just for a bit of reading in my bed. I’m not conceited enough for that.”
chuckled. “You look different!” she noticed, running her hand over his cheek. “More like yer old man to be honest!”
“Aww! Thank you!” he laughed ironically, taking the glasses off. “Don’t you ever say that I look like my 65 year old father again!” warningly tickled her belly, making her gasp and giggle even more.
“Do you still see me?” joked with a lot of effort. “You must be blind as a bat now that those preserving bottles are off yer eyes!” squealing and laughing she rolled over the bed to escape his fingers but he kept following her, grabbing her hips. “You are so gonna pay for this!” he laughed. “Don’t you dare joking about my glasses!” he tickled her harder and harder the more she tried to escape but she couldn’t stop joking. “You know what, we could go outside in the backyard, maybe we can find the man on the moon with your glasses, what d’ya say?”
He couldn’t hold back his laughter any longer. Guffawing he lay down on top of her, his face pressed to her belly. laughed with him and wrapped her legs around him. “Come on, let’s give it a try!” she buried her fingers in his hair, tugging it softly. Still laughing and coughing got back on his knees. “God, I’ve missed ye so much, luv!” cupping her face with his hands he kissed her very gently.
When he lay down on top of her, his weight supported by his elbows, broke the kiss. “ I...”
“Shshshsh.” He hushed her down with a soft kiss. “Don’t be afraid, baby. Just tell me to stop whenever this goes too far for you, ok?”
She swallowed. “It does.” She whispered bashfully, looking up into his eyes. She saw understanding but it was mixed with disappointment when he got back on his knees. His tight boxer shorts were bulged from his erection and she saw swallowing hard when he softly ran his hand up her thigh, finding her naked under her nightie. “Sorry.” He whispered, removing his hand quickly. “I never meant to... I just... I just love you so much and I want to feel you! God, I’ve missed you, !”
She couldn’t help staring at the bulge of his short. It was huge. And she had no idea what to do or how to deal with it. noticed her stare and the fear in her eyes. Quickly he turned away, pulling the duvet over himself and his wife. “Try to sleep.” He whispered, wrapping his arm around her waist to pull her a little closer. “I love you, baby.” Kissing the back of her neck he sighed, wondering if she would ever find her way back to him.

Chapter 13

It took almost two weeks to orient and get familiar with the house and her whole life. tried to spend as much time as possible with her. Together with they went to the park, to the indoor water park nearby and to the playground very often. He took his wife shopping or just strolling in town and invited their friends over for dinner as often as he could.
Two weeks had passed by. As long as it was daytime or their friends were around, seemed eased. She was laughing and joking, obviously happy. Often she sat on her husband’s lap, kissing him shyly. But as soon as the last visitor had left the house it was as if she froze from inside. She seemed scared and insecure. Sometimes she even refused to touch him when they were in bed. Every time she removed his arm from her waist and turned away it was like a slap in the face for him. He tried not to let it get too close to him and told himself time and again that she only needed time. Although his heart was aching and his body was almost begging for her touch, he never tried to push her.
Again their friends had spent the evening with them. was a little tipsy, still giggling when she came back to the living room after saying her goodbyes to and . “That was fun!” she emptied her glass of wine, refilling it. “D’you also want some more?” she asked in ’s direction. He nodded, handing his own glass over to her. Yawning he stretched his back and sat down on the sofa. “I think I’m gonna go to sleep soon. I’m really tired.”
She nodded slightly in agreement. “I’m gonna have a shower.” She sipped her glass and bent down to kiss his cheek. A little unsteady she got up again. “You don’t have to wait for me if you are tired.” She patted his cheek, before she turned around and climbed up the stairs with a bit of effort.
Inside the bathroom she stared at herself through the mirror, gulping down a mouthful of wine. Even now that she was drunk, she was still afraid. What was it that scared her so much about having sex with ? His hands and his kisses were never demanding. He was more than patient with her and he loved her more than she ever thought to be loved by someone. Why was she still avoiding him? It couldn’t be that bad. He had touched her before, why should sex be any different from being touched or kissed?
She sat down on the bathroom rug. Maybe she would never find her lost memories again. It was quite possible that everything from the last ten years was gone forever because of the accident. How was she supposed to live with ? How was he supposed to stay with her if she kept rejecting him, pushing him away whenever he tried to be close to her? He would not be able to stay like this forever. He would leave her. Closing her eyes emptied her wineglass. She couldn’t wait forever to finally do it. Better now than later. She was encouraged from the alcohol anyway, maybe it wasn’t too bad. Everybody in the world did it and loved doing it. Why should she be the only person not enjoying it? She took a deep breath and got up from the floor.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...

had been in the bathroom on the corridor because he didn’t want to disturb . Sighing he put on a fresh boxer short and slid under the blanket of the bed. The shower was still running and he closed his eyes. He felt a little dizzy from the wine, rubbing his face with his hands before he put them behind his head. How was he supposed to continue like that? The woman he loved was only a few meters away from him but he knew that she would come into the bedroom, avoiding his gaze and quickly putting the blanket over her body. She would push his hand away when he touched her, refusing to give him more than a little peck on the lips.
He felt tears building up in his eyes, swallowing hard. Even now that she was a bit drunk it would feel like sleeping alone in this huge bed. Even if he held her hand, her heart and mind seemed miles away. The bed was empty and cold every night even though she was right next to him. Trying hard to suppress his sobs he turned over to the window and closed his eyes.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

Towelling off her face stared at her reflection again. Why couldn’t she just go inside, take him into her arms and give him the love he needed? Tears were burning in her eyes and she pressed her towel onto her face.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Still sobbing silently got dressed in her nightie. How was she supposed to lose her fears? Maybe was her husband but she had only known him for three weeks now. Furthermore she had no idea what to do! Her body might belong to a 28 year old woman, but deep inside she wasn’t. She was eighteen, scared, a virgin. And she was supposed to sleep with a nearly thirty-year-old man she hardly knew!
Blowing her nose she tried to work up all her courage and opened the bedroom door. had turned his back on her. Everything was quiet, the room was dark. Sneaking over to the bed considered to just lie down and postpone the subject ‘sex’ for another night but when she slid under the blanket she heard snuffling. His body was tensed when she moved a little closer and rested her forehead to his back. Sighing she closed her eyes, trying to ignore the fear inside her heart while she softly ran her fingertips over his belly. His hand found hers and he held it close to his heart for a moment before he put it on his face, gently kissing her palm.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

Slowly turned around to face his wife. There she lay. Her beautiful eyes red from crying but nevertheless shining in the moonlight. There was a lot of fear like little sparkles inside the shining and he closed his own eyes, leaning his forehead onto hers.
Her hand was shivering when she touched his cheek, moving a little closer to him under the duvet.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

felt her body trembling when he bent over and kissed her lips. Taking a deep breath she shoved her hands into his hair and returned his kiss. She could tell that he had been crying. This wonderful, stunning man had been crying because of her. Because he loved her and had been loving her for over ten years. She couldn’t change the fact that she had lost all her memories about him but she could at least give him the chance to be close to her again. From the way he looked at her, the way his eyes were sparkling whenever she entered the room and his smile that always grew wider when he was watching her, she could tell that he loved her.
Cupping his face with her hands she returned his kiss, shoving him away slightly after a few seconds. Frustrated and disappointed he just nodded and turned away again, but held him back. “... wait.” She whispered, lifting up her nightgown. There was a big lump in her throat when she threw it across the room. Now there was no chance in taking back the offer. She was naked, looking deep into his eyes for a brief moment.
He was surprised and evidently he had no idea how to deal with the situation. He had been longing for her for so long! The last weeks he had spent with her, the long time of her coma and the months of the last tour where he never had gotten the chance to see her because he had too much work to do. Carefully he ran his fingertips over her cheek. “I love you, !” he whispered touching her lips with his. There she lay. Naked and beautiful as he remembered her. He couldn’t resist her soft lips and kissed her again when he bent over her. He didn’t dare touching her yet but out of a sudden he felt her taking his hand and guiding it over her breasts.
“I don’t wanna lock me up inside with my fears, .” She whispered, looking straight into his eyes. “I want you to be my husband.” She pulled him down to kiss him again, allowing his fingers to travel over her body for the first time.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with you
I'm gonna let it go......

He was completely over the moon when she let him deepen his kiss, bending over her. God, he had missed her so much! Running his hands over her hips and her belly he cupped her breasts, rotating his thumbs over her nipples. Sighing he let go of her lips, carefully kissing and nibbling his way over her neck. He tossed down his boxers to lie down on top of her again, his hands cupping her face. Suddenly he felt her tensing in his arms. He looked down at her and brushed her hair back. “Baby you...” softly he kissed her lips. “I don’t want you to feel forced do this now, love.” He ran his fingertips over her waist, making her squirm and arch her back towards him.
“I know.” She whispered, looking straight into his eyes while she ran her thumbs over his lips. “But I want to do it for you! It’s just that... I... I’m scared. I never... I never did this before!” she blushed slightly. “Well, technically I have been with you for such a long time, sharing your bed for years but... I just... I just can’t remember so... I have no idea what to do right now.” Burying her burning face to his neck, wrapped her arms around . “I’m sorry, !” she whispered. “I really have no idea what to do! Where... I mean... how d’you wanna be touched? I...” she fell silent, still not looking up at him.
rubbed her back. “Baby!” he whispered close to her ear, placing soft little kisses on her cheek. “Look at me, .”
When she lifted her gaze he kissed her lips very tenderly, running his fingers through her hair. In the silver light of the moon that shone inside the bedroom he looked down at her, feeling his heart aching in his chest. “Baby, I...” he started, running his fingers down her neck. “Maybe I didn’t think this through completely.” Tracing along her collarbone he bent down to kiss the tip of her nose. “I’m sorry, love.”
She shook her head and cupped his face with her hands. “Don’t be, ! You never forced me to do something.”
“Well maybe I didn’t enunciate it, but... well I assume that my moods and my disappointed frowns were enough for you to get naked now and try to overcome your own fears.” Gently he kissed her lips. “But deep inside, you... you...” he looked straight into her eyes and slid his hand down between her legs, running his fingers through her pubic hair. “Deep inside you don’t want me to do this, right?” he whispered when she jerked under his touch.
“, I...” she swallowed hard. “Please don’t be mad at me!” she pleaded and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Please! I... I’m so sorry!”
“It’s fine, baby!” he pulled her closer. “Don’t feel sorry. We... we will figure something out, ok?” resting his lips on hers he stroked her back. Then he pulled the blanket up, still holding his wife close. “So tell me, what... what do you remember? I mean... how....” he cleared his throat. “I know that I have more or less been your first positive experience with a man, besides Bryan maybe.” He tried to joke and lay down close behind her, resting his head in his hand. “What happened before?”
“Well,” she blushed and tried to avoid his gaze. “There were a few kisses but... well, as far as I know, you are right now the first man I have seen naked beside my brothers and my father.” When she ran her fingers over the soft skin of his chest and down to his belly under the blanket her cheeks turned purple.
He twitched under her touch, chuckling in surprise. “And you like what you see?” he joked, caressing her hot cheek with his lips. “I mean, I know that Julian and Fabian are a lot better built, want me to work out a little more?”
Giggling she shook her head and leaned in to kiss his smiling lips. “I’m not exactly looking for a beef-cake!”
He broke into laughter. “I love the way you say beef-cake!” taking her hand he guided it down to his belly again. “So you don’t mind if he stays for a bit?”
“The muffintop?” giggling she squeezed his flab, making him squirm and brake into laughter again.
“Muffintop?” he giggled and panted for air. “You used to call it the love handles, but I do like muffintop!” wrapping his arms around her he bent down to kiss her deeply. “God, I love you so much, !” he rubbed his nose to her cheek. “Come on, let’s go to sleep, ok? Will you stay naked with me and the muffintop?”
Chuckling she cuddled up to him, running her fingers through his hair. “I will.” She returned his kiss. “Sleep well, !”
“You too.” He broke the kiss and smiled down at her. “Now turn around and let me finally cup your tits again when I fall asleep!” he nudged her playfully and kissed the tip of her nose.
“And how am I supposed to fall asleep with this in my back?” cheekily she rubbed her butt to his groin.
“Sorry to tell you this, it won’t take care of itself and I am definitely not getting up right now, going to the bathroom! What?” he nudged her again when she giggled. “Come on, you have no idea how embarrassing it is to...” he gestured towards his crotch. “I know you can’t remember but... well the thought of you being next door is not... not exactly helping to get over with this when I’m standing in front of a mirror, staring into my own reflection while I... well!”
“So...” she turned around to face him again. “How do we wanna handle this now?”
“We?” he shoved her hair back, gazing at her questioningly.
She blushed. “Well, I... I mean...”
Laughing he took her in his arms. “Baby, please!” he kissed her softly. “If you want I can turn around and you can wrap your arm around me! I will not pressure you into anything, love!”
“I know, .” She rubbed his chest, looking up at him.
“Wohow!” he moved away when her hand slipped under the blanket, clasping his hard-on. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Actually I have no idea, so... you’d better tell me before I hurt you.”
He gasped for air, putting his hand around hers. “Slowly, love!” when he felt her hand running up and down his shaft he sucked in another breathe. “You know you... you don’t have to do this right now!” he whispered with a lot of effort, trying hard to contain himself when she tightened her grip.
“I know.” She whispered back, bending over him to kiss his lips, softly probing them with her tongue. “Tell me what you need.”
felt his head spinning. It was like one of the play roles they used to play sometimes, but this time she wasn’t the cocktail waitress or the sexy secretary. He felt a sudden rush of shame when he realised how much he was turned on by her being so shy and innocent. Trying to stop her hand he bent over her again and grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands over her head. She looked up at him in surprise, returning his hungry kisses. Breathlessly he stared into her eyes, bending down to kiss her again and again. The feeling of doing something forbidden aroused him even more and he broke away from her, getting up on his knees.
He was aching to hold her, to make love to her and right now he was horny enough just grab her and pin her to the headrest of the bed. Still breathing heavily he watched her getting up on her knees as well. “What?” she whispered and closed her eyes when his hands smoothed down her body until they reached her bottom, squeezing it lightly. Unable to answer her question he grabbed her legs and pushed her back onto the bed. He captured her mouth with his, shoving his hands into her hair to tug her head back. “What d’you want me to do?” he whispered huskily, kissing his way down her body. She shivered under his touch, weakly shaking her head. “I have no idea, but this feels so good!” she whispered back and ran her fingers through his hair. “My head is spinning!”
He chuckled, blowing soft air into her belly button. “That’s the wine, baby.” Gently he nibbled her upper thigh, chuckling again when she covered her face with her hands. “What?” he mumbled, biting down on the soft flesh.
“I just realised that I am actually very drunk and that...” a small giggle came over her lips and she kicked her legs in the air, making him sit up with an astounded sound, grabbing her ankles. “What?” he asked again and laughed with her.
“Well I just realised that you can see me naked.”
“Of course! But, well, the lights are off and I have seen you naked about a million times!” spreading her legs again he placed himself on top of her and kissed her, feeling her giggling to his lips.
“This might be true.” Smiling up at him she ran her fingertips over his dark eyebrows. Then she lifted her head a little, meeting his lips in a gentle kiss. “God, , you...” again and again she ran her hands through his hair, returning his kisses. Suddenly he felt her smiling against his lips. “You’re wonderful, !” she whispered and brushed her mouth over his. Playing with the strands of hair in the back of his neck, she looked up at him to meet his eyes. “You’re wonderful.” She repeated, pulling him down to wrap her arms around him tightly.
Kinly he returned her kisses and moaned softly against her lips when he felt her fingers running down his back. She cupped the cheeks of his butt with her hands and squeezed them lightly, making him chuckle.
“Stop laughing!” she whispered and giggled herself, when he blew hot air to her neck. “Hey!” she shoved her hands in his hair. “I’m trying to seduce you and you are laughing?”
“I’m sorry, love!” he put his hand on his mouth. “Just go ahead, ignore me! I’m a little out of practice and honestly, I think I also had a bit too much tonight.”
Giggling pulled him down again. “Yup, I definitely saw that. But your drunken Piano-session with and Patrick was amazing!”
He kissed the tip of her nose. “So go ahead!” he whispered, rubbing his nose to her cheek. “Seduce me, little fairy.”
Breathlessly he pulled away from her after a few kisses and got up on his knees. “Close your eyes.” He whispered and kissed his way down her belly when she did as he told her. With a surprised little sound she grabbed his hair when he ran his fingertips down her upper thighs and his tongue along the sensitive flesh that was presented to him. “Shshsh.” He whispered, gently sucking and nibbling her clit with his lips and his tongue. “Let me do the part with the seducement, ok?” he lifted his head and smiled at her while he ran his fingertips over her belly. “Just relax, love.”
Completely taken by surprise closed her eyes and grabbed his hair again, moaning lightly. Whatever it was he was doing, his fingers and his tongue felt so good! Closing her eyes she sighed. Her head was spinning. It felt as if was building up an unknown heat between her legs that seemed to spread through her whole body, making her legs tremble.
Gasping for air she pulled him up to lie on top of her after a few minutes. She crashed her lips onto his, kissing him eagerly. Her mouth swallowed a little moan that escaped his throat when she wrapped her legs around him, instinctively guiding him as she lifted her hips.
There was no pain when he started to enter her. It didn’t feel odd at all. closed her eyes, panting for air when he pulled out of her and slowly sank down again.
“I love you!” he whispered and kissed her, building up a slow but steady rhythm.
He was close to the edge quickly, trying hard to delay it just a little longer. “Use your hand.” He whispered into her ear, softly kissing her earlobe.
“What?” she looked up at him, her cheeks flushed and her eyes shining.
Carefully he took her hand and guided it down between their bodies, resting his weight on his elbow. “I won’t last long, baby!” he kissed her deep and passionate. Feeling the speed of her breath increasing he closed his eyes, hoping that he would be able to hold it back only a bit longer.
Out of a sudden he felt her tensing in his arms. She arched her back towards him, closing her eyes. A low groan escaped her parted lips and he sighed in relieve when he felt her climaxing in his arms. Speeding up his pace he wrapped his arms around her and pressed his face to her neck.
He was unable to move for a few seconds, breathing heavily. When he felt her hand caressing his back he tried to lift his head, smiling down at her. “I love you!” softly he kissed her lips.
She was still completely out of breath, staring at him astounded. “, you...” she whispered and closed her eyes. Feeling lightheaded she tried to gather herself and fought the strange feeling of dizziness that seemed to take over her body. Suddenly she felt numb. She opened her eyes, staring up at . There was a strange pain in her head out of a sudden. Unable to speak she panted for air, acid rising in her throat.
became pale and shifted his weight to his elbows, quickly putting his arm under her head to lift her up a little. “You... you alright, love?” he whispered and stroked her cheek, his eyes widening in shook when he saw the small dark traces that trickled from her nose trills. “Baby!” he made her sit up, pressing a tissue to her nose. “God, what’s wrong?”
She was pale and stared at him in total confusion. Suddenly her head dropped behind and he grabbed her as she collapsed onto the bed. The nosebleed became stronger and jumped up in panic when her body started convulsing in his arms. Quickly he took the phone from the bedside table, calling an ambulance. He was completely freaked out, holding close in his arms to stop her body that was still suffering from cramps. There was blood all over her face and the pillow in her back and he helplessly tried to move her to her side to stabilize her. It took a few minutes that felt like eternity until her body relaxed a little. Quickly he got up, dressing her in her trainers before he put on his jeans and a pullover, carrying his unconscious wife down the stairs. He put her down on the carpet of the entrance hall, too afraid that her cramps might return and she could fall off the couch.
Trying to gather himself he felt tears burning in his eyes. Why had he slept with her? It was all his fault! She needed to recover, she needed to get well first and he had been impatient, forcing her body into something it wasn’t ready for just jet. Wiping his tears away he ran upstairs again, opening the door to ’s room. The little girl was fast asleep and he wrapped her into her blanket. “Take your bunny, love, we need to take Mummy to the doctor again.”
She wrapped her little arms around his neck and started to cry. “Daddy, is Mummy gonna die?” she whispered and held her bunny close.
swallowed hard. “She won’t die, lovey!” he whispered with a lot of effort, trying his best to be strong for her. “Listen, I want you to close your eyes, alright? Close your eyes and just bury your face to my pullover, you hear me?” quickly he made his way down the stairs. “You hear that? It’s the ambulance. They’re gonna take Mummy to the hospital and we’re gonna follow in Daddy’s car, alright?” trying to soothe her he stroked her back.
“I don’t want Mummy to die!” she whispered close to his neck and grabbed his pullover.
“Everything’s gonna be fine, ok?” he took a deep breath and rushed over to the entrance door, opening it. To spare the sight of her mother on the floor he pulled the little girl closer and put his hand over her face. “Listen, sweetheart, will you do Daddy a favour? Can you put your fingers into your ears? The siren is very loud and Daddy needs to talk to the doctors, ok?” She nodded at his chest, doing what he told her.
With the kid up on his arm he went outside, meeting the doctors on the stairs to the entrance door. One of them raised his hand. “We’re aware of the situation, Dr. Carter talked to us on the way here. So what happened exactly?”
“We...” threw a gaze at his daughter in his arms. She had put her fingers into her ears and buried her face to his chest. “She collapsed when we... when we were... God! We were sleeping with each other and everything was fine, but suddenly she collapsed and... she was convulsing, I didn’t know what to do! It started with a little nosebleed!”
The doctor simply nodded, making a few notes before he went over to his colleagues that already took care of . They had put her up on a stretcher and started some infusions, checking her vital signs again and again.
“Come on, let’s go!” waving at the two others the first doctor nodded at . “You can follow the ambulance. We will bring her to the emergency room, Dr. Carter is waiting for her. Ask for him or Dr. Andrews, that’s me.” Again he nodded at his colleagues.
Completely out of breath pressed to his chest when he reached his BMW. “Stay right here, !” he rushed back inside the house to find his car keys.
When he returned and opened the car she jumped into the back. She managed to close her seatbelt herself and held her bunny close.
“Let’s go, ok?” he whispered and tried to smile but his heart sank when he looked into her eyes that were filled with tears. She nodded and snivelled lowly, her little bottom lip trembling.

For almost two hours he was sitting in the waiting room with on his lap. The little girl had fallen asleep after a while and he could finally let himself go and cry silently. Again everything had been his fault and he hated himself for persuading her to sleep with him.
His bad conscious kept him awake and he watched the dawn breaking outside, slowly illuminating the room. The first sunrays played with the different shades of brown and red in ’s hair and he couldn’t help smiling and swallowing hard. She looked just like her mother and the agonizing uncertainty whether would ever recover completely hurt him so much right at this second that he wanted to put the kid down and run outside, screaming at the top of his lounges, yelling at God for his plan to take her from him, ready sup with the devil and sell his soul if he would only have her back. Tears were running down his face again and he stared outside into the peacefully breaking morning, cursing himself.
Suddenly the door opened. It was Dr. Carter and looked up, not sure whether he wanted to hear the news the other man brought to him or not.
“She’s fine.” Carter simply said and sat down next to . “It was only a minor surgery and now she will be able to recover completely. Come on, she’s in the intensive care, nurse Mary is awaiting you with a cup of coffee and a bed for .” He patted the young man’s back. “She was brought in right on time.” Encouraging the doctor smiled at . “We could release her brain from the pressure it was suffering from. The pictures of the MRI look good, even the cyst has disappeared.” Opening the door for and Dr. Carter smiled. “She’s gonna feel a lot better when she wakes up.” He promised the young man and beckoned him over to follow him to one of the elevators.

Despite the cup of coffee that Mary handed over to him, fell asleep on his chair, his face snuggled to his wife’s arm. He woke up when he felt her moving. “?” he heard her whisper and lifted his head, quickly taking her hand in his.
“I’m here!” he whispered in a throaty voice and tried to smile at her. “Are you alright, love?”
She returned his smile weakly and put her hand on his face. “I’m fine, .” She whispered. “What happened?”
“There... there was too much pressure on your brain, but Dr. Carter told me that you’re gonna be fine. How are you now?”
“I... I don’t know actually.” Carefully touched the bandage on the back of her head. “It hurts a little, but it is not that bad.” She lay back, watching him closely. “I’m sorry.” She whispered out of a sudden. “It was... you... we had... please, I... I don’t want you to think...”
He chuckled dryly. “Well, actually it was kinda my fault again, don’t feel sorry, luv! I... I know I should have waited a little longer.” Blushing he lowered his gaze, looking up again when he heard . The little girl was crying and got up hastily, bending over her to pick her up. “It’s fine, lovey!” he whispered, sea-sawing his daughter. “See, Mummy’s fine!” making his way over to her mother’s bed again he sat down, putting down onto the mattress next to . Still sobbing cuddled up in her mother’s arms, calming down immediately when pulled her closer and stroked the girls back, whispering soft words to soothe her.
wrapped his arms around them, resting his forehead onto ’s shoulder. “We’re gonna be fine, right?” he whispered out of a sudden, anxiously pulling closer.
She nodded and kissed his temple. “I know we will, !” she whispered back. “I’m still here, right? Maybe there’s no past to look back on just now, but there’s a future lying ahead.” Resting her lips on his temple she smiled. “We will have something to look back on in a few years, alright?”
He simply nodded, trying to pull her another impossible inch closer. “We will.” He whispered in response, kissing her carefully. "As long as you are with me.”

Epilogue
Time flies by without even being recognised by most of us. Many people just live their lives, ignoring the most important facts of it. Hunting from day to day, experience to experience, event to event we are losing ourselves somewhere along the way. We are losing ourselves in the meantime, in moments of unspoken longings and unfulfilled dreams. We tend to forget to see the things that matter the most. Love. Friendship. Family. A person that cares for you, no matter what.
Being forced to start all over again can turn out to be an incredible opportunity if you have a loving person by your side that keeps guiding you through all the highs and lows you might experience. And even if some memories are taken from you forever, there’s new memories to experience. There’s a life to live, a family to raise and people to love. Life goes on and you will always be needed. It might be a new life. It might be different, scary sometimes but if you manage to accept life as it is and focus on what is important to you, it can become a fresh start. You can wipe the slate clean. Tabula rasa. So take the dark horse and ride it, guided by the one you might love again one day.
Then no day will be a waste. Not a single minute will be wasted if it is spent with a loved one. No second will be wasted as long as you remember that you’re not alone.

The End